Mourning the death of a family member: why can’t I do it?

Can’t you mourn the death of a family member? The first and most important thing is not to blame yourself for it.. In reality, the grieving process is a quite delicate and particular experience. Not all people go through it in the same way. Many times, this absence of tears and emotional relief is due to the denial phase, your inability to accept what happened.

In these cases, in psychology we usually talk about an emotional block. It is an experience in which a person cannot express and let go of the suffering within them. However, The fact that it is not manifested does not mean that there is no pain, because the feelings are there, entrenched and silent. Next, we suggest you delve deeper into this topic.

Why can’t I mourn the death of a family member?

There are people who come to psychological therapy with an almost disturbing concern: “a loved one died and I can’t cry”. Added to this difficulty is social judgment. When someone loses a family member and does not show a single tear, it is wrongly assumed that there was no authentic affection. This idea is wrong and needs to be clarified.

It will relieve you to understand that everyone has their own times and their own way of handling grief. There is nothing pathological in not being able to give way to emotional relief in the first days. Most likely, after a few weeks, any unimportant situation will trigger you to cry. However, we define what causes explain this reality.

1. You have not yet assimilated the loss (denial)

We will start by pointing out that crying is important for human beings. As noted in a work published by CNS Spectrums, failure to do so results in psychosocial imbalance: less empathy, social support and connection with others.

Therefore, it is true that facilitating it allows you to better navigate your own grief, but, sometimes, it is common to stay trapped in denial. As a StatPearls article indicates, this It involves denying the experience of all feelings.

In this way, if you cannot cry, it is possible that, although you have recognized someone’s death, you still resist facing the emotional experience that their loss entails.

Your mind has not yet been able to process the death of your loved one and that lack of acceptance blocks your emotions.. In fact, what you are probably feeling is anger, confusion, anguish and anger. You are so overwhelmed that it is impossible for you to integrate what has happened. You just need to give yourself a little more time and be compassionate with yourself.

2. You are focused on secondary factors and stressors

Not being able to mourn the death of a family member is also due to everything that happens after that absence. The world changes you and everything comes crashing down on you. In the days and weeks after the loss there are many things to resolve and plan.. Not only do you have to organize the funeral, it is also common to have to attend to family members, address legal issues, etc.

This means that, for a time, you are trapped in stressful obligations that fill your mind, preventing you from getting in touch with your emotions.. What’s more, you may even focus on staying busy to avoid the pain and not face reality. Sometimes you just need to stop in order to let the emotions flow.

We all have a general idea about what duels are. However, when it touches you firsthand, nothing is as you expected and you feel lost, overwhelmed by emotions and not knowing how to react. Each experience is unique, but the most important thing is to have the support of your loved ones and give yourself time.

3. You are avoiding grief

We talked to you at the beginning about denial, but it is also decisive to delve deeper into avoidance. In an article in the Journal of clinical psychology, they show how In the face of sudden and traumatic losses, many people develop avoidant behaviors. This consists of wanting to disconnect from pain, avoiding it at all costs. We describe how it manifests itself:

You try not to see or touch their belongings. You avoid remembering your loved one at all costs. You don’t want to talk about the person you have lost. You try to distract yourself so as not to think about what happened. When they ask you how you are, you say “fine.” You focus on caring for others, forgetting about yourself.

4. You are not a person used to emotional relief

Culture and educational factors condition you in many ways. You may have grown up in an environment dominated by narratives like “strong people don’t cry.” Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and accustomed to containment for fear of external criticism leaves consequences. One of them is to block the much-needed emotional relief.

Consequently, the fact that you cannot mourn the death of a family member is also explained by this factor. Such an impediment will translate into suffering and even psychosomatic symptoms, such as headaches, stomach and muscle discomfort, among others. However, if you let go of those resistances, we assure you that you will feel much better.

5. Medical factors and the inability to cry

Research published by the Journal of Affective Disorders highlights information that will interest you. Often, Antidepressants can cause emotional dullness as a side effect. In fact, this study details that of a sample of 669 patients, 46% suffered from this characteristic, which was correlated with the inability to cry.

Therefore, if you are receiving treatment with antidepressants, it is possible that your lack of crying is due to that.

How to deal with this experience

As we have pointed out, crying and giving way to emotional relief will make it easier for you to deal better with the loss. You must give yourself time and apply the resources that we now describe. Likewise, as indicated in an article in Behavioral Sciences, For neuroscience, grief is one of the 7 primary emotions that must be understood to move forward.. We explain how to do it:

Be grateful for the good times lived with that figure: Place your mind on the happy moments and not so much on their last days. Allow your memory to keep the most magical and special experiences lived together as true treasures. Those that will always stay in your heart.Lean on the people you love: No one can replace the one you have lost. But in order to better process that pain and absence, it is advisable to lean on your social environment. Avoid isolating yourself, you don’t want to go through this difficult experience alone. Having the closeness of friends and family is a great balm.No hurry: The grieving process does not have a predetermined duration. Therefore, be compassionate with yourself and do not want that suffering to dissipate quickly. It takes time to adapt to that emptiness and accept what you have experienced. Also, to process all the feelings that you have blocked.Find ways of emotional expression: look and touch the objects of that person that you have lost and allow the tears to come. Don’t hesitate to write her a letter to tell her how you feel and how much you love her. In the same way, artistic practices or music help that necessary emotional relief flow.Remember that the phases of grief are not fixed: The five stages defined by Kübler-Ross are not normative and tend to be different for each person. What’s more, an article in the journal Frontiers in Psychology echoed that the Internet and Google have made users assume that grief follows linear phases, when this is not always the case.Allow yourself to feel: It is important to recognize, make space for and accept all emotions that arise, such as sadness, anger, guilt, anguish or denial. He understands that facing loss is a natural process that every human being goes through at some point. Connecting with what you feel will allow you, little by little, to vent and cry.

The importance of psychological support in grief

Last but not least, we want to remind you that you can request specialized help if you need it. If it is impossible for you to mourn the death of a family member, the psychologist will provide you with therapeutic tools to better manage your emotions.. In addition, it will validate what you feel and offer you techniques to deal with pain, emptiness, anxiety, among other sensations.

The correct approach will prevent grief from leading to depression, offering you a safe space to heal little by little. The absence of someone you love is difficult to bear, but you will learn to live again without it hurting excessively. You will regain control of your reality, integrating that loss. You just have to give yourself time and remember to always have someone close.

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