Loving without idealizing: 5 keys to achieve it

It seems that loving without idealizing is simple, but there are people who have never achieved it. Perhaps without being fully aware, they have an unrealistic and exaggerated image of those people with whom they share their lives. And it is not so much about the individual himself, or whether he has truly exceptional qualities, but about the way that each of us has to bond.

It is undeniable that the process of falling in love (especially in its initial stages) encourages this idealization. The torrent of neurotransmitters that floods the brain makes us ignore the failures and defects of the other and intensely enjoy their virtues and their company.

However, in any healthy relationship there comes a time when we have to lift that veil and observe reality. Otherwise, we can suffer and harm others.

Why don’t we know how to love without idealizing?

Idealization is not a natural and intrinsic process of love, they are two very different feelings, but ones that we usually experience together due to cultural patterns and internal processes. The myths of romantic love They lead us to think that relationships are based on uncontrolled intensity, emotional dependence and sacrifice. In addition, certain characteristics can work against us.

For example, idealization is very common in people who have rigid and dichotomous thinking, who see situations as “all or nothing”. There are those I really like and are perfect, and there are those I hate and are detestable; grays are not contemplated. Thus, each situation must be interpreted towards one of the two extremes and, in the case of the couple, it can give rise to a harmful ambivalence or an unrealistic idealization.

On the other hand, those who suffer from low self-esteem are more likely to develop this exacerbated image of his partner. In these cases, it is common for couples to be chosen with completely opposite characteristics and that reflect what the person admires and feels they lack in themselves. Thus, she is “dazzled” by these qualities and overlooks any human failure of the other.

Furthermore, generally these people choose or they fall in love with narcissistic individuals, who in turn have an inflated image of themselves and rarely admit their mistakes. Therefore, this attitude enhances idealization.

Loving without idealizing is possible

When we idealize others we can end up suffering enormously.because it is possible that we accept and tolerate unacceptable behaviors, that we sacrifice ourselves in the name of love and that we close ourselves off from seeing a reality that, perhaps, needs to be worked on.

In addition, we probably also harm the other person, since we are not allowing ourselves to see (and, therefore, love them) as they are. So what can we do to learn to love without idealizing?

1. Identify the pattern and make a decision

The initial step is to become aware that, perhaps, you are idealizing your partner. This is not easy to perceive, since we have been made to believe that this is what love consists of. However, even if you can detect this pattern in yourself (since idealization generally occurs with multiple partners), you will still have to make the decision to change it.

And stopping idealizing someone is not easy. In the first moment, It can hurt to lose that unreal and perfect image that we had of each other. and open your eyes to your flaws. This new style of love and bonding may feel lacking at first (because it is less intense and attached) but it is much healthier. Therefore, start by making the decision to change.

2. Open yourself to see and hear reality

To love without idealizing we need to open our eyes, our ears, but above all our mind. For this, we can start with listen to the opinions that our closest people have about our partner and the relationship. If we are open, they will be able to offer us valuable information that we may have refused to see.

But, on the other hand, It is essential that we begin to base ourselves on the facts. How does your partner act? How does he or she speak? How does he or she behave today?

It is important not to fall into longing for a past that is no longer there (for example, the beginning of the relationship) or to cling to the potential that we believe we see in the other and that has not yet been developed. We have to observe what it really brings us in the present.

3. Make your thinking more flexible

In order to accept the evidence that you will find doing the previous exercise, you need to adopt flexible thinking. Being able to contemplate defects or areas of improvement in the other It doesn’t mean you stop loving him. or that the relationship has to end.

Remember that it is not all or nothing. A mistake does not make a person undesirable and nobody is perfect. The objective is to see and accept the other as they really are, and not as a magnified projection of what we want to see.

4. Work on your self-esteem

As we have mentioned, your level of self-esteem is closely related to the image you have of others and your way of relating to them. To stop idealizing, it is necessary that you begin to see the qualities, virtues and achievements in yourself and know how to recognize that, although different from those of the other, they are equally valuable.

In the same way, you can take what you idealize in your partner as an inspiration (to start working it in you) and not as a miracle that is out of reach of your hands.

No human being is perfect, and by putting others on a pedestal we place ourselves in a sad position of inferiority.

5. Reconstruct your speech about love

Lastly, you may need to review your beliefs about love and transform them into a more realistic and adaptive version. Do you think that love can do everything, endures everything and is worth everything? Do you think that there is only one correct person and that it is your obligation to tolerate any of their behaviors because of who they are? Do you think that there is no place in a relationship for constructive criticism towards the couple?

In these cases, try reconstruct your speech about love taking healthy and real references. A relationship is the union of two people who know each other deeply, accept each other, and help each other improve and grow. By idealizing the other, these objectives cannot be met.

To love without idealizing is to truly love

Idealization can be carried out (unconsciously) with anyone, not just your partner. That father you admire, that friend you consider so successful or that coworker so charismatic… they all have flaws and virtues, just like you.

When you recognize this truth, You allow yourself to love its real version, and you open yourself to loving and recognizing yourself too.. Remember that behind idealization hides a feeling of internal lack, start working there.

You might be interested…