Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t, what can we do?

Do forbidden loves exist? In reality, the term “forbidden” perhaps arouses more intrigue and desire than anything else in the relational sphere. We could perhaps say that what does exist are loves that are not recommended. Because Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t is something many of us have done at some point. and in fact we know what consequences it brings.

We could give a thousand examples of these situations. One of them is to set our sights on our best friend’s partner.. Also falling in love with the spouse of a brother or sister. As it can also be, starting to think excessively about that co-worker, when we have had a stable partner for years.

Human beings fall in love frequently and this is not something we can always control. It just happens. However, these crushes or these affections that arise in day-to-day dealings can sometimes bring us more suffering than happiness, more chaos than harmony. Because indeed, nothing is forbidden in love but there are lines that perhaps should not be crossed.

Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t, why does it happen?

Love wants what it wants and the rest doesn’t matter. This was written by Emily Dickinson in 1862, undoubtedly a great understander of what undesirable or perhaps impossible loves were already in her time. The definition of it could not be more accurate, because When we talk about falling in love, logic, sense, or culture do not govern there.. Affection and above all emotion rule.

Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t happens through the usual mechanism: neurochemistry. We know that in this chemical universe orchestrated by multiple brain regions, there is little that is romantic and a lot that is irrational. However, this is how attraction, desire, obsession and the need for closeness manifest. We are, after all, purely emotional creatures and this is the mechanics that drives us.

Now, in the area of ​​these unadvisable loves there is an interesting element. Ruth Feldman is a professor of neuroscience at Yale University and one of the leading experts in the field of relational and attachment. In a study, she explained to us that in many cases Love is governed by dopamine and the nucleus accumbens reward system.

Dopamine sometimes makes people “forbidden” or not recommended, seem more attractive to us because there is a risk component, an element that generates a greater sense of reward and emotional intensity. Everything is more complex, dangerous, but intense at the same time and these situations are more rewarding and even addictive for the brain.

¿What should we do in these circumstances?

Look in perspective, go beyond attraction

Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t usually have consequences. Loves that are not recommended are recommended for some specific reason. Either because we set our sights on people who can harm us or perhaps because jumping into that relationship can affect third parties.

In these circumstances, it is worth going a little beyond what we feel to look in perspective:

What cost can this relationship have? Am I able to accept/handle the consequences?For example, I may have a partner but nevertheless, I am falling in love with my boss at work. Is this a step worth taking?

All of these are aspects that must be considered objectively.

Is it love or is it desire?

Adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine… Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t usually bring with it this type of neurochemistry that basically orchestrates desire, attraction and even obsession. Because let’s admit it, There are situations that become almost addictive. The brain cannot stop thinking about that person because it establishes the same mechanism as in an addictive process.

Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t can sooner or later bring more suffering than happiness. Therefore, We should assess whether what we feel is mere desire or if, on the contrary, that attraction is real and authentic love.. There will be cases in which it is worth taking the risk and facing everything that may come when deciding to move forward with that relationship. In other cases, a step back can allow us to emerge whole.

Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t: non-correspondence

Sometimes, we love to the core, we fall hopelessly and tragically in love with someone who, simply, does not love us and will never love us. What to do in these situations?

In many of these cases we fall once again into those situations in which we drift from the neurochemical universe. The more inaccessible a person is, the more their value and our obsession increases.

We must process these experiences as states of anxiety that must be managed. Focusing our lives on other interests, new goals and meeting people who bring us other perspectives and horizons is always positive.

And if the risk is worth it? From unconsciousness to conscious love

Falling in love with someone we shouldn’t is something that happens frequently. Howeverthere are situations in which the risk, the consequences and everything that can happen will be worth it. How to know? In reality, there is no instruction manual that tells us when it is worth taking risks and when it is better to take a step back.

On average, we can see it in something that transcends the feeling itself. We must attend to the commitment, the alliance, the harmony, the maturity, the trust between both… There are relationships that, even though they are impossible at the beginning, end up being conscious loves that take the risk, overcome it and establish a happy and lasting bond.

Love is an adventure not exempt from difficulties in which sometimes you fail and on certain occasions, you succeed. Let’s carefully assess when it is worth avoiding the line of caution…

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