“Love is a social construction; each culture lives it in a way”

“I’m not against sending flowers, people, that’s not it”, warns Regina Navarro Lins69 years old, to the audience, in São Paulo, during a lecture about his New Ways of Loving – Nothing Will Be Like Before: Great Transformations in Love Relationships (Planet, 44.90 reais). “May those who like these things continue to like them. We just can no longer close our eyes to the suffering that comes from idealization in romanticism and to the ways of relating that arise.”

For the psychoanalyst from Rio de Janeiro – accustomed to polemicizing in her column, on the UOL website –, who advises the program Love and sexfrom Globo, and maintains an office in Rio, the alternatives modern are not limited to the variety of partners. “There are also those that I call off-the-chart loves, which are lasting relationships, but lived in new patterns.” And there is more and more room for unions unorthodox🇧🇷 When asked if anyone there had the experience of polyamorya woman takes the microphone and introduces her husband and girlfriend – hers.

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CLAUDIA: Why is romantic love in crisis?

Regina Navarro: love is one social construction🇧🇷 each culture lives it in a way. The kind romantic Its basic characteristics are based on idealization, attributing to the other characteristics that he does not have and ending up feeling resentful when the partner shows himself to be who he is. He preaches that two will become one – as if we can have all our needs met by someone – and that those who love have no desire for anyone else. What I criticize are these ideals. THE monogamy has been questioned by many couples. Today there is a search for individuality🇧🇷 Everyone wants to discover their possibilities in life. This clashes with romantic love, which is leaving the scene, giving way to new ways of loving, such as the open relations🇧🇷

Are feelings more disposable or, on the contrary, do you love yourself better?

People are loving🇧🇷 Can’t guarantee better, but probably yes. experience a relationship polyamorous or another out of the ordinary does not mean loving less. This idea comes from conservatives, who do not admit changes. Despite all the dissatisfaction at home, they cling to the values traditional of marriage because the unknown generates insecurity🇧🇷 The fear of the new is the only way they know; they are used to acting like this. To live well, you must have courage🇧🇷 It is fundamental to question the beliefs and values ​​learned. Only then can we get rid of moralism and of prejudices🇧🇷

How is questioning gender roles changing traditional unions?

5 thousand years ago, there was a ideal masculinein force🇧🇷 success and powerit is a feminine, that would be the opposite. A woman needs to be silly, incompetent and submissive. It is clear that we are heading towards the end of the genre. Girl’s toy and boy’s toy are disappearing, which changes the affective relationships, because everyone becomes freer to be who they are. When a person is obliged to correspond to what is expected of the feminine or masculine, he mutilates himself. The reduction of these borders reflects even in bed. In macho culture, men are more concerned with proving their masculinity than giving or getting pleasure. He goes forward, backwards, ejaculates and thinks it was great. Already she received education to give pleasure. Many pretend orgasm🇧🇷 The mismatch is total.

In the book, you say that, from five years ago, you started to receive couples in which only one wants to open the relationship.

I consider this the biggest marital challenge. Experts love to say that husbands cheat because of this and wives because of that, but most people who have extramarital affairs do so for one reason only: vary it’s good. As a society becomes less prejudiced, more people start to have the courage to dareof trying things news🇧🇷 Before, the man cheated and the woman accepted, saying that it was a man thing. Now, many cheat and don’t even tell their best friend. I’ve heard many husbands say: “Look, I love my wife and I want to be with her all my life, but I can’t imagine myself having sex with her for the next 40 years”. It is still difficult to discuss the monogamy🇧🇷 Even academic research becomes contaminated by the old ideal. I think it’s totally possible love someone and eventually have extramarital affairs🇧🇷

Can monogamous couples be happy? In your opinion, will this traditional model continue to exist?

I think so. I know very few who like each other and are very horny for each other. However, we cannot discuss affective contemporaneity based on exceptions. Ninety percent of married people are living poorly. Some unions are “you can take it,” and most are just really bad. I also believe that, in some cases, when someone goes on to be with other people, they become horny for their partner again, sometimes even more than before. The lust doesn’t end because of that husband or that woman, but because of this model of marriage, which provides a lot of rules and laws🇧🇷

Do you think that over time more people will think like that?

Certainly. If, in the 1950s and 1960s, a person claimed that in the future girls would no longer marry virgins, everyone would think that was crazy. And if they said the divorce would it be common? Many schools did not accept children of separated parents. O outrage of yesterday is the normality of today.

You’ve been writing about gray divorce…

Yup. In the old days, people of 50, 60 years old didn’t get separated. with medicine for erection and the hormone replacement, men and women are more active. And they separate. They look for courses, things to do, they want to enjoy life, sex. The world changed.

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