Loneliness in love: you are there, but I don’t feel you

You are by my side, but I don’t feel you. Loneliness in love can be devastating; It is almost like realizing that there is an open window through which the cold enters and, in turn, the passion, the interest, the complicities that previously ignited caresses and smiles fade away. Almost without knowing how, this indifference is met with sudden hostility, reproaches and those glances that, far from being sought, are avoided.

If there is something that, without a doubt, we would like, it is for all the love we profess to someone to be sent back to us with the same intensity. (so much I give, so much I receive). We would love for there to always be a perfect and absolute balance in terms of emotional relationships. To love and be loved in the same way, with the same energy, form and passion. However, each of us does it in our own way, with our own language, with better and worse skills.

Now, few experiences tend to bring as much suffering as feeling the progressive indifference of one’s partner. As striking as it may seem to us, the reason for this is not always in lack of love. Sometimes, this reality is inscribed in that person characterized by an evident emotional inaccessibility, also in alexithymics and in those who simply do not understand that love is something more than physical presence. Authentic love requires action, emotion, connection and reciprocity.

Loneliness in love, a very common reality

The mere fact of having a partner offers no safeguard against loneliness. This fact is demonstrated by the data obtained in the studies on loneliness that are published every year. We know, for example, that loneliness is already an epidemic among the older population; However, in recent years we are discovering how the younger cohort also significantly demonstrates this reality.

Hence it is important to talk about what we understand as “felt loneliness.”. That is, one that appears even though the person has a partner, family or has an extensive social network. As Robert Weiss, the social psychologist and expert in this field, told us, ““Loneliness is what we experience when we feel the lack of something that is necessary to us.”

Likewise, it was this author who established the difference between social and emotional loneliness. The latter is the one that arises above all at the couple level, there where we lack attachment, commitment and those emotional nutrients that make up a happy and healthy bond. Likewise, until not long ago, no special attention was paid to this type of loneliness; However, from a clinical level we know that these situations generate high distress. The implication it has for mental and physical health is enormous.

Loneliness in love has many faces

María Teresa Bazo, sociologist and expert in social well-being and quality of life, points out that “It is very possible that the worst loneliness is that experienced in company” (Bazo, 1989). The truth is that loneliness in love can be felt for years, and even decades, without a remedy for this very serious fact. Now, it is important to first know what factors mediate this fact since they can be as diverse as they are striking.

First of all, we must know that there are people who start a relationship to extinguish their own loneliness, fears and emptiness. This is the case of those men or women who carry traumas or who simply show low self-esteem. In these cases, they will rarely feel happy or fulfilled in that relationship. They will always feel that they are missing ‘something’, the feeling of loneliness is never relieved. On the other hand, There are also those profiles with serious difficulties in sharing, talking about their feelings or emotionally validating the partner. They do not understand the language of affection; well because they don’t know, can’t or don’t want to.Loneliness in love can also appear due to the weight of routine. We let ourselves be carried away by the evolution of day-to-day life, pressures, jobs and occupations, forgetting to attend to and nurture what is most important: the emotional relationship.

Last but not least, there is the most common element: heartbreak.

Effects of emotional distance

When loneliness in love and emotional distance appear, we experience a series of very common psychological realities. Stress arises due to uncertainty, anguish, fear of not being loved and, at times, also hostility.. The fact of not receiving explanations or of being suspended in that limbo where neither the breakup nor the attempt to resolve said situation occurs generates frustration.

Reproaches, arguments and more distancing may appear. All of this affects work and the rest of our relationships. They are undoubtedly very delicate situations.

What should we do when we experience loneliness in our relationship?

If there is something that we should all understand, it is that our own healthy solitude will always be preferable to a solitude erected next to someone. We know that social or physical loneliness is painful, but emotional loneliness is deeper and sibyl because it devalues ​​dignities and self-esteem.

Maintaining this type of relationship where the abyss of emotional coldness and the edge of indifference extends, does not make sense.. Faced with these realities, there are only two options: find the problem and solve it or end the relationship. In these cases, a couples psychologist will be of great help to us to be able to work through the difficulties and thus find the best answer.

Whatever the case, let’s be clear that loneliness in love is more common than we think. And the cost, immense.

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