Living with a partner with BPD

There is a certain complexity in living with a partner with BPD. Not only because of the diagnosis itself, but because if we take into account that emotional management is still a pending task for most people, for those who have this personality disorder it is usually more complex, due to the intensity with which that emotions are experienced.

In this context, these types of relationships tend to be chaotic from the beginning. However, they can also be the cornerstones that help identify dysfunctional behaviors and to build more conscious relationships.

Let’s not forget that A couple can be a powerful mirror to grow, learn and mature. both emotionally and psychologically.

The ambivalence of borderline personality disorder

A person with borderline personality disorder presents as main characteristics emotional instability, impulsivity and problems relating on an interpersonal level. To this we must add the feeling of emptiness, self-destructive behaviors and in many cases, the loss of one’s own identity. An unflattering outlook for maintaining a reliable and healthy relationship as a couple.

However, Once the disorder is taken into account and accepted, it is possible to bring order to that chaotic life through the different existing therapies, such as iconic therapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Furthermore, it is important for the couple without BPD to Consider several aspects of how to be with a person with BPD. They are the following:

Reflect on the reasons why you fell in love of a person with BPD and be responsible for your decision. Additionally, you should keep in mind that this disorder is something that your partner has, but that it does not define him or her. Keep in mind that the The life of a person with BPD in the non-remission phase is governed by an ambivalence between black-white and love-hate. However, we should not lose hope, since the symptoms can be minimized until the remission phase as the person learns guidelines for this.

Effects of BPD on relationships

Research suggests that the attachment style of people with BPD can commonly create difficulties in relationships. Some problems include:

Fear of abandonment: This can lead to them becoming overly attached in an attempt to prevent their partner from leaving, or they may choose to leave first.Difficulty connecting: Communication and connection are challenged by changing views of their identity and place in the world. This can lead to difficulties connecting with your partner.Humor changes: People with BPD experience instability and reactivity in their mood and tend to see things as good or bad. Hostile actions, verbal attacks and physical attacks may occur.Distrust: People with BPD tend to distrust and suspect others. This may cause them to question their romantic partner’s intentions and distrust their behaviors.

One study compared couples’ relationships in which one partner had BPD with relationships in which neither partner had BPD. They discovered that the partner who had BPD had a more negative perception of the relationship than their partner, demonstrating that BPD symptoms affect happiness and trust in romantic relationships.

Balance in relationships with a person with BPD

People with BPD often live immersed in emotional tsunamis from which it is usually difficult to get out if they do not acquire certain skills to maintain balance.

So, living in a balanced way with this diagnosis is possible, despite the fact that a lot of personal effort is necessary to correct dysfunctional behaviors.

Every relationship is made up of 50% commitment from both members. Therefore, both people affected by BPD and those not affected must learn tools to help the relationship evolve.

Guidelines for the partner of a person with BPD

To live with a person with BPD you have to remain calm and serenity, provide affection and be patient. Besides, It is very important not to react in a passive-aggressive way, both verbally and non-verbally, since this avoids the defensive reaction of the TLP.

For its part, the partner of a person with BPD is recommended to take the following into consideration:

Understanding borderline personality: Understanding this personality disorder will allow the couple to apply the appropriate guidelines to improve coexistence and their own well-being. To do this, it is important that the psychologist offers clear information and resources necessary for the cohabitant to understand the diagnosis.Self-care: As in other mental conditions, the couple runs the risk of making the other’s well-being subordinate to their own. In this sense, the vulnerability of the diagnosed person causes the other to put their own vulnerability in the background. However, this attitude only makes the situation worse. Therefore, it is vital that partners of people with BPD emphasize their self-care, only then will they be able to truly support their partner.Cultivate individual spaces: The vulnerability, emotional needs and identity emptiness of the person with BPD makes them intensely attached to others. Therefore, the loved one is perceived as an extension of oneself and it is difficult to accept that they have their own entity. So, when you attend to your own responsibilities, needs, or interests, it can be perceived as aggression or as the beginning of abandonment. That being said, it is important that you constantly negotiate and nurture your individual spaces.Practice clear communication: he BPD can cause people to jump to conclusions and misinterpret the meanings of others. Communicating clearly and expressing your fears with each other can help.Set limits: People with BPD try to get others to do for them what they should do for themselves. Faced with these attempts at manipulation, it is necessary to know what the limits are and communicate them in the most relaxed and clear way possible.Support BPD treatment: Although there is no definitive cure for borderline personality disorder, therapy can help control the symptoms of this disorder.

Likewise, other aspects that must be taken into account are the 3 C rules: culpability, change and communication. They are the following:

Do not feel guilty by your partner’s behaviors with the diagnosis. Each of you must learn to take responsibility for her actions and ask a professional for help to make the relationship work.
You can not change to your partner with BPD. It is difficult to help a person with BPD, since only those affected by the diagnosis should want to get out of their constant fluctuation. Do not force your partner to want to change, nor do you want to always protect them from their suffering, as this will make their situation even worse. Instead of demanding, you can suggest.Don’t be afraid of communicate your partner with BPD for erroneous behavior. You must learn to set limits so that she is aware of what needs to change.

An important aspect when living with a partner with BPD is to be objective and consistent. People with this personality disorder have irrational thoughts and behaviors that they can correct over time.

However, it is essential that the person who does not have BPD keep in mind that You should NOT justify all relationship problems with the fact that your partner has that diagnosis.

Can a person with BPD have a successful relationship after therapy?

Yes. In fact, some BPD when acquiring emotional management and impulsivity skills can be good partners, since They have learned fundamental requirements to relate in a stable way, both with themselves and with other people.

A couple is just two different people looking in the same direction.. That said, it requires a lot of effort, understanding, and awareness on the part of both the person with BPD and their partner.

Thus, If both are committed, they can have a healthy and coherent relationship.in which the extremes have ceased to exist to maintain the relationship at an intermediate point.

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