I’m done, what now? How to get over the end of a relationship –

According to Greek mythology, at the beginning of time humans were complete beings with two heads, four arms and four legs. However, because they thought they were developed beings, they decided to go up to the heavens and fight against the gods, wanting to take their places. After losing the battle, Zeus punished them by splitting them in half, condemning humanity to look for its soulmate for all eternity. Who has never found themselves in this mythological search for the “ideal partner”, someone to rely on in difficult times and feel loved? The moment of finding who you are looking for can be wonderful, but dealing with losses and breakups along the way is not an easy thing. After all, how to overcome end of a relationship?

When do you know that a relationship is over?

Often, in a relationship, it’s hard to know when to leave. After all, you invested time and feelings and inserted that person into different parts of your life. Giving up on it is not easy. “A relationship is built 50/50. One of the signs that indicate the wear and tear of a relationship is when our eyes are on something else, for example, when the person is working too hard. I’ve seen cases of a patient who was a doctor, working one shift after another and almost never showing up at home. Hey you doesn’t look at the relationship. If you look at her, you realize how far the other is and how things are not going well”, says the psychologist Fabiane de Fariaspecialist in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Another sign may be that interests have become incompatible. “It’s common for lovers, right at the beginning of the relationship, to say, for example: ‘we both think alike’, ‘we have so much in common’, ‘it’s amazing how we match’ etc. Throughout the relationship, it is common for situations to change, for routine to change, or for people themselves to direct some interests elsewhere. This is not bad for the couple. When, however, these interests begin to become incompatible, the first signs of wear and tear are observed”, clarifies the psychologist Maria Rafar. Dialogue (or lack thereof) can also be an indicator that the relationship is not going so well. “Another sign is excessive irritability. When the relationship is worn out, there is no possibility of dialogue. One wants to talk, the other doesn’t accept it, or even listens, but the conversation doesn’t get anywhere” concludes the psychoanalyst, hypnologist and holistic therapist Kelida Marques.

But does that necessarily mean it’s the end of everything? Sometimes no. Fabiane explains that when these wear and tear appear, both parts of the relationship must be willing to try again, because what one doesn’t want, two don’t do.

– (Yulia Reznikov/Getty Images)

I’m done, now what?

Anyone who believes that breaking up with someone is easier than breaking up with you is wrong. Knowing what will happen and that you will hurt a person’s feelings can end up causing guilt, loneliness and even insecurity about the decision (relapses usually come from there). “Before any termination is good assess whether the reason that is leading you to an end point is irreversible. One tip is to make a list of what you like and a list of what you don’t like. What you like OK, and what you don’t like ask yourself: Is there any way to improve? If yes, put: How? What am I going to do? How much time will I dedicate to this? If there’s no way to improve and it bothers you or hurts you, it’s not worth it. And if the reason for the breakup is not worth it, write it on a large piece of paper and make it visible: I ENDED FOR X REASON. The writing will remind you of the pain, the discomfort that will make your fear or insecurity disappear”, advises Kélida. It is important not to forget the reason for the breakup, not to leave it in the subconscious.

But it’s not because you don’t feel more comfortable in a relationship that you shouldn’t be considerate of the other’s feelings and make the end an honest and careful moment. It is important to be honest about your feelings, you talk about the qualities in the other and then the reason behind the breakup. The famous phrases: “You are too much for me”, “You deserve someone better than me”, are clichés that do not work. “If you say someone is wonderful or wonderful, why are you breaking up and not trying to match? Those phrases definitely don’t work anymore. Another thing not to do is break up by phone, message, post-it, social media. It’s impolite. Make an appointment and speak openly”, advises Kélida.

And what passed, passed! “If you’re done, don’t go back to the subject. Remember that you tried, made ONE list of positives and negatives and put in the effort in that moment. Then you ask me: Kélida, the human being improves, should I not give it a chance? Look, friend, I’ve never seen a river run backwards but straight ahead: that’s life. It goes on, so if there is a return, never go back to past issues”, concludes the psychoanalyst.

abusive relationships

Breaking out of a vicious circle like a toxic relationship, from recognizing to ending the situation, it is not easy at all. “Sometimes, a person’s standard of self-esteem is so low that they submit to abusive treatment thinking they ‘deserve it’ because, in a way, they provoked it. In the case of abused women (although in smaller numbers, there are also abused men), their self-image is often precarious and lowered. She imagines that she receives little because she deserves little… It is also common for an abused woman to be afraid of being alone and of not being able to ‘find’ anyone else”, warns Maria Rafart.

“This woman begins to perceive abuse when she takes the blame she carries for her partner’s behavior away from herself. She looks to the side and notices how much she was manipulated to make her feel like she was a participant in the forms of violence she was subjected to. In the case of abused men, the behavior I see most frequently in my office is that of the toxic and controlling woman, who wants to know all the directions, in real life or on social media, of the man who is with her”.

Often, according to experts, a critical episode of violence, physical or verbal, can trigger the decision to end the relationship, starting the process of planning and executing this decision. For this, the therapy is a great ally. “The abused person’s ego is deteriorated by the successive humiliations, and he believes that he has a certain guilt for everything that happened, either for the facts themselves, or for the time it took to make the decision to break up. Managing this guilt is an important role of therapy.”

Having emotional support, such as friends and family, is also essential for the abused person not to return to old patterns or give in to the abuser’s manipulation, which is common after the breakup. “The abuser desires power. And his power is weakened when the abused leaves. He needs it to feed himself, and will try various seduction maneuvers to get back together. A safety net may not be enough for this round, but it can help a lot”, he concludes. Mary Rafart.

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When it’s the other who doesn’t want the relationship anymore…

Chocolates, romantic movies and scarves are indeed a beautiful combination to get over one term. Understanding and dealing with the fact that you’ve been broken up can be a painful and extremely vulnerable process that requires a lot of self-respect. In cases of betrayal, the psychologist Fabiane Curvo de Faria says that it is important to analyze the relationship: “Overcoming is looking at the relationship and seeing that the entry of a third party was just to point out that the relationship was bad. For a third to enter the middle, there has to be a space between the couple”. Not that cheating is justifiable or that analyzing the relationship lessens the anger, but it helps.

Fabiane also talks about how the breakup, when one of the parties still has feelings for the other, demands great emotional maturity. “It is a loss and there is no way to demand much from us. We will cry, there will be sad days, that moment of revolt. It’s like mourning, when we lose someone it’s as if they had died in our lives, they will no longer be in our day-to-day, in the relationship. Then there will be a period of revolt until acceptance and understanding that the relationship was not good or would have no future, which arrives precisely at that moment of accepting the end”.

Avoiding the person’s social media and the places they used to go during the process can also help. “I am in favor of what the eyes do not see, the heart does not feel. I believe that while you are not prepared, you should avoid it. Depending on how it ended, it’s not a mature attitude for you to block, but hiding, muting the profile, is a polite way to avoid the person. Going to restaurants or places where there are many affective memories can awaken nostalgia triggers, making it difficult to overcome.

The key to getting over a breakup is respect your time and your emotions. It’s ok if one day you want to stay in your room and don’t want to see anyone, it’s ok if you want to cry or feel angry, it’s your moment and you must do whatever is to cure your pain. “You have to accept, suffer and live that moment to also send it out later”, says the psychologist. The time considered healthy to experience the loss of the relationship, according to Fabiane, is three months.

Our emotional time is different from the physical

There is no magic potion to get over someone, forget about shared moments and feelings and leave everything behind. The strategy of demanding to get into a new relationship because it’s been “a long time” since you were last with someone can also become frustrating. “One thing that in therapy or talking to professionals you understand is that our emotional time is different from ours physical time. It is necessary to give time for the emotional to heal because you will not forget the person so easily or stop suffering for them and that does not make you weak.” Despite the pressure there may be to move on soon, you need to respect yourself and not force yourself into anything. “We talk a lot about anxiety nowadays and the anxiety is exactly that, wanting to resolve things quickly, being prepared soon and our emotions don’t work that way. If you try to do things too fast, you might even end up getting sick in another way, emotionally”, concludes Fabiane.

Danni Suzuki: ‘s July cover star (Fernanda Araujo/Disclosure)

This special is part of the July 2021 issue of ,
which features Danni Suzuki on its cover.
Click here to check out the other specials.