I really hope you are well.

(Listen to Dig of Incubus as you read)

Before I start, I wanted to tell you one thing and ask you another: I’m living very well without you and is it too late to ask for forgiveness? I hope you understand me, after all, you know my rude way and you know that no matter how hard I try, I can’t apologize.

I’m just like that: rude, impatient, silent, bored, aggressive, boring, independent and I love freely. I hate being trapped or being in a relationship where I feel trapped. I’m not the girl you thought I was and with our separation I could be even more certain. And that’s what I want to talk about.

I intend to be brief and punctual, but don’t interrupt me if I go on too long.

I never talked to you about myself, because I don’t like to be invaded, to know that other people are inside my confusions and that now they know my weak point. It wasn’t a matter of not having you as a friend, it was a way of protecting myself. And I apologize for that. For knowing that you always suffered with doubt and that you tried so hard so that I could feel confident and then talk about life. You are an extremely special friend, you know? It was never you.

It’s not easy to explain, but that’s who I am. Half dead inside.

Sorry for the distance and for seeming not to have cared much for the surprises you made. My heart is kind of cold. Ice cream to be honest. It’s just that I like solitude and I look for it like someone looks for air when they’re drowning. And maybe that’s it. I’m drowning in so much grief.

No, I don’t want to be saved.

Forgive me for starting, for carrying on with something I knew wouldn’t last. I insisted on you out of convenience, out of pleasure, out of attachment, but it wasn’t out of love. I have this tough, proud side, but I want you to know that I’m very fragile inside, easy to break. And I don’t allow them to love me, or for me to love anyone. That’s why I made things so difficult.

But don’t worry, I’m fine like this.

And finally, sorry for not wanting you like you wanted me. For not believing as you did and for making light of your feelings. You can be sure I regret that. I like you a lot, but I like being free even more. And I can’t play with your heart again like I’ve done before. And that was the reason why I didn’t accept you again.

And I have a piece of advice that Caio Fernando Abreu used to say: “Get over it and, if you can’t get over it, get over the habit of talking about it”. Please don’t talk about us anymore, how it all ended and how hard it is to get over. Don’t put me as the villain, as someone who has caused you, for now, irreversible damage. And that’s why I’m writing to you. Just so you know it wasn’t you, let alone me. The problem was in life when he insisted on getting us together, even though he knew it would never work out. I really believe that you are strong and that you will learn to deal with it.

I want you to know that I look great and I hope you are too.

Goodbye! I hope you’re okay. In truth.

Vanessa Pearl