“I know exactly what you want”, a reflective text about parents who usually decide everything for their children

At 10 am, in the middle of class time, I received a message from my son’s class leader in the parent group: “We have an event on Saturday. Which of the children wants to participate?” A wave of notifications came: “We are going!”, “And so are we!” I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. The teacher is right there, with the class of 25 students in front of her. Why not ask 10 year olds who would like to go to the school event and then simply confirm with their parents? But no, most teachers prefer to talk to the parents first, and all because it is believed that we can not only guess, but also know for sure the wishes of our children, who, by the way, have no idea of ​​the plans of adults.

I had to write: “Please ask Serginho. If he agrees, he can include him in the list”. Later, I received in response: “Serginho said he needs to think”. At home, during a conversation with my son, we discovered that the event would not be that interesting, as it was more like a kindergarten party, and we came to the conclusion that it would not be worth spending our time on it. I’m far from being a perfect mother. But I don’t understand why you need to ask parents about what their children want, when teachers tend to have direct contact with students.

I always remember a joke: “The children were playing on the playground. Then the mother of one of the boys called him from the window to go home. He called out asking, ‘Mommy, do I have to go because I’m cold or tired?’ So the woman replied, ‘Because you’re hungry!’” It’s actually a pretty sad joke. I have met many parents claiming that they know best what their children want and what their needs are. Yes, adults are usually people with more life experience. However, in my opinion, it does not hurt to show interest in the child’s opinion and ask what he himself wants and why. In my opinion, making decisions for your child is not even a sign of overprotection, but a deliberate choice not to see the child as an individual with his own will.

A friend of mine once wrote to me: “Geni, my boy has been writing some stories in his free time for many years, could you read them? I think it would be useful for him to know the opinion of a professional”. The “boy” in question was in his 20s and, let’s face it, he was far from a child. So I asked if it was just her who wanted to know my opinion or her son too. I got a doubtful reply: “Well, maybe, I don’t know, I didn’t actually ask him, but chances are he wants to hear from you too, because all writers need feedback from readers.” It only remained for me to say that I would read his writings with the greatest pleasure if he spoke directly to me. And she was neither the first nor the last to do so. Many parents often ask this kind of favor for their adult and supposedly independent children, believing that they need to improve, practice, learn to work with texts and get the opinion of someone experienced in the field. I am always willing to evaluate and help, as long as “the little boy” takes the courage to write to me. To date, only one has contacted me.

One day, at the request of another friend of mine, I held a meeting with teenagers in her career guidance course. My eyes were drawn to an expression full of indifference from a girl of about 15 years old. When I questioned her about her plans for the future, she said: “I intend to graduate in Business Administration, and then work at City Hall, where my mother works. She says I’m going to have a nice retirement.”

Needless to say how appalled I was. What could be weirder than guiding a 15-year-old girl to focus on retirement?! Have you ever stopped to imagine what it would be like to spend the rest of your life thinking only about the money you will earn after you retire? I would sincerely like to know what drives parents to give these at least questionable advice. Even so, I insisted and came back with the question: “And what would you want to be if you didn’t have to depend on your mother’s opinion?” And she replied, excited: “I wanted to be a veterinarian, I love animals, I like to play with pets and take care of them, from time to time, I work as a volunteer at a shelter”. I had the impression that, from her mother’s point of view, the veterinarian is a professional who has a precarious life compared to a municipal employee. Unfortunately, the real pros and cons of the profession were not taken into account, probably not even discussed with the teenager. Incidentally, the fact that I met the girl at a career guidance course gave me hope. Perhaps her mother was suspicious of the decision she had imposed on her daughter. However, according to my friend who called me to give the lecture, one in two undergraduate students ends up studying according to their parents’ instructions and living the way adults chose according to their vision of a “good life” and vocation. .

When I was 23 years old and still a young and inexperienced mother, a pediatrician told me: “Your daughter is not part of you nor does she belong to you, she is an independent person, and your job is to raise her and let her build your own life”. Angry tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t agree! But now I see it. From my point of view, motherhood and fatherhood are, above all, an uninterrupted work of self-development. They are a constant balance between “do what you want” and “I know exactly what you need”, between love and firmness. And the older and more experienced I get, the more I am convinced that, most of the time, the lack of independence of young people is denounced by those parents who do not usually ask their children what they really want, what they think, or what are the your dreams.