I don’t know how to live alone, what’s wrong with me?

I get home as late as I can. I try to talk on the phone or video call as much as possible and thus be able to fill the hours. I do long series marathons, I go out shopping frequently. The truth is that I don’t know how to live alone; I try to do whatever it takes to not feel the silence.so as not to face my thoughts and that unwanted loneliness that hugs me and suffocates me.

As striking as it may seem to us, This reflection is not something isolated nor is it a specific comment.. There are many people who come to therapy with these thoughts, undoubtedly describing harsh realities. All of this shows us that we still don’t talk enough about loneliness and what it means for mental health.

It is true that, for many, being alone is something gratifying and enriching. However, There are those who see loneliness as an uncomfortable enemy, an entity that despairs and that they try to avoid at all costs.. To achieve this, there is no hesitation even in starting relationships just to relieve that almost desperate emptiness.

Being unable to be alone generates anxiety, tedium, boredom, desperation and even fear in this profile. It is a reaction of the body and mind to that state that it interprets as isolation and even abandonment. These realities can be very problematic. We analyze it.

I don’t know how to live alone, what’s wrong with me?

Loneliness has many faces and some are present as a true social emergency. It is enough to name, for example, many of our elderly, facing their daily lives in complete isolation. We also have young people, men and women, who suffer from this epidemic, which often has a direct impact on physical and psychological health.

Thus, studies such as those carried out by the University of Valencia and published by the journal Acta Biomedica tell us precisely about how The perception of loneliness can increase the risk of depression, anxiety, stressas well as cardiovascular conditions, hypertension and obesity.

Now, within this very large sector of the population afflicted by a loneliness that diminishes, sickens and psychologically exhausts, We also find a very specific personality profile: the one who repeats over and over again “I don’t know how to live alone”. What is behind this perception?

Eremophobia, the phobia of loneliness

Eremophobia is a very specific type of phobia that is obviously related to anxiety processes. These are situations in which A person ends up developing a disproportionate fear of seeing himself alone. There are different degrees, from the most tolerable to the most pathological.

We can find those who avoid and prolong the moment of getting home. After work, a multitude of activities are organized: gym, courses, workshops, meet-ups with friends, visits to family… The idea is to arrive home as late as possible and that that arrival involves little more than eating something quick and going to bed.

Other people, however, do show more problematic situations, so much so that They do not hesitate to start clearly dependent and toxic relationships in order to avoid loneliness.. Something like this leads them towards harmful relationships in which abuse can even appear. However, (and as striking as it may seem) the tolerance for these situations is high because if there is something they want to avoid at all costs, it is loneliness.

I don’t know how to live alone, fear of social and emotional independence

Anyone who repeats “I don’t know how to live alone” over and over again may also show a clear problem with both social and emotional independence. What does this mean? There are those who, for example, cannot fully adapt to this independence from the family unit. The moment one leaves home for work reasons or simply because the opportunity to emancipate oneself arrives, anxiety suddenly arises.

Family support is no longer available, that daily interaction in which parents facilitate day-to-day life in every possible way. This absence and the emptiness of seeing themselves in a space alone with themselves, in many cases causes stress and suffering. Shame when admitting it also increases the negative emotional burden.

On the other hand, we can also talk about those who are not capable of giving shape to that emotional independence in which they feel good and even fulfilled with their own company. Being your own refuge where you can resolve doubts, shelter concerns and plan your own life is not something that defines many people. There are many people who walk around the world with serious emotional deficiencies.

Many of them come often mediated by a past defined by disordered attachment, the one in which one suffers deficiencies on the part of the parents and one grows up with unmet needs. The latter acts as an explanatory factor for this fear of loneliness.

How can I face my anxiety about living alone?

The anguish due to loneliness and that constant verbalization of those who repeat themselves “I don’t know how to live alone, the house is collapsing on me and I don’t know what to do” In many cases it means having to go to psychological therapy. It is necessary to know what is behind that concern, that fear that manifests itself in anxiety disorders or in starting harmful and painful relationships.

Likewise, it is also advisable to keep the following ideas in mind:

The fear of being alone or living alone shows a lack of self-appreciation. We can also be our best company. This does not mean that we should reduce interaction with friends and family. Having moments alone at home can be rewarding; To discover it, there is nothing better than planning enriching activities with yourself.Writing, cooking, performing artistic tasks connects us with ourselves and is rewarding. Let’s avoid interaction through messaging or social networks, as well as those hours dedicated to series or movies. Let’s try to make contact with our inner being through interesting and creative activities. Likewise, let’s keep in mind an idea: being alone with ourselves is always more advisable than sharing a home, life and projects with someone who hurts us.

Living alone can be an opportunity for exceptional growth. However, this solitude must always be enriching, always combined with contacts, outings and experiences in our community to avoid social isolation.

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