I deserve better than that: thank you for letting me down

I thank you. For letting me down so many times, for leaving me alone when I needed it and acting as if nothing had happened. Thank you for the chance you gave me to be able to walk away without future regrets.

You know, I tried harder than I could, I tried more times than it is possible to count, I dedicated myself with a greater intensity than what can be considered healthy, I tried again and again… it was my problem and it frustrated me trying to please you, because nothing seemed to be enough. I insistently hoped that you would recognize that I wanted very much, that I tried hard, and that all that effort had value. I waited for a loving message, I waited for a call, I waited for your appreciation – which ended up never coming.

I thank you for giving me the opportunity to see in your eyes the lie of all your stories. I thank you for confirming that, even if I had at some point said that it was worth being by your side, I was wrong to think that you were worth it.

Turns out I gave you all the signs and showed you several times that love is not enough. I wanted to warn you that my home in your arms may not last forever if you don’t know how to hug me back, but you didn’t let me. You had every reason to listen to me and understand me, but you preferred to isolate yourself and hold on to the idea that I was already too attached to you to leave.

I was disappointed, I was disappointed. It hurt. Have you ever felt in your soul the pain of a disappointment? It hurts so much that it makes you want to rub, rip, erase what the other has done, as if, in a magic trick, it was possible to simply forget what happened behind. But reality is not like that, and the disappointment is there, sucking all our strength, and when you think you have no more energy or strength, it is precisely the moment when the transition occurs and you become a greater human being. , stronger and more complete.

And that turned out to be exactly what happened, with the disappointment I learned that there is always a way forward, and there is no reason to be afraid to take it, nor any reason to think about going back. At the moment when I was alone, I had no other option but to look at myself, and I ended up realizing that in fact I was not enough… I am more than I ever thought, in fact, much more than you deserved it Thank you for letting me down. The best part of being very disappointed with someone is that you discover that happiness is not in what the other offers you, it lives inside you.

You wouldn’t believe the intensity of joy and happiness I felt when I finally understood that the value I hoped to receive from you, after all, was with me this whole time. I should never have put you in a place that was really mine and mine alone.

Susana Martins