“I am a bad mother.” Sincere report about what many mothers tend to keep silent

The question that many women often ask themselves after the birth of a child is: “Am I a good mother?” Sometimes we raise our voices for children, other times we don’t pay enough attention to them, or else we make some mistakes when educating them. All of this can make us feel guilty and make us doubt whether we are really successful in motherhood.

We, from awesome.clubwe decided to find out where this constant feeling of doubt comes from and understand whether this fear is valid.

The mindset of “being a good mother” emerges in many women during childhood. The girls experience this role playing with dolls and, from time to time, they are told that they are “born mothers”. During conflicts with our parents, many believe that they will be better and behave differently. And when we envision ourselves as mothers, we tend to wish we were an ideal role model. However, even equipped with life experience, we are completely unprepared for everything that could go wrong.

Many times the feeling of guilt starts when we give birth. Since ancient Egypt, people have been looking for ways to make a complicated birth safe for mother and baby. Even so, there are still those who believe that the decision for a cesarean section is hasty.

My friend’s mother-in-law, an apparently well-mannered lady, upon learning that her daughter-in-law had a cesarean section, pursed her lips and criticized: “Helena, how can you be so selfish? Couldn’t you try harder for the sake of the child?” And the husband immediately added: “Really, dear, did it hurt to try?” At that moment, Helena immediately felt like a bad mother. In fact, a cesarean section is an operation that is performed for medical reasons, and recovery, with a baby in your arms, is far from easy.

Artificial breastfeeding is another cause for concern. Ardent adherents of “exclusively natural nutrition” are often not ready to take into account any subjective circumstances. There are guesses on all sides when natural breastfeeding is not achieved, as well as that of Helena’s mother-in-law: “You didn’t try hard enough”. But each case is unique, and we need to be guided by our own condition and the needs of our children, not by the conclusions of others.

Sleeping together, using a pacifier and diapers instead of potty training tend to be the topics that people like to express their opinions on, in an often insistent and aggressive way. There are those who condemn a young mother for the actions mentioned, which it can make you feel guilty for not being able to follow imposed social standards.

But everyone has a different life, and there is nothing wrong with an exhausted mother, who finds herself without the support of loved ones, sleeping with her baby or giving him a pacifier so that he does not cry. And maybe everyone agrees on one thing: no one will benefit, least of all the child, if the mother goes into a depressive state because she cannot cope with all these pressures.

Children also develop differently. I hated the notebook my mother-in-law carried. She carefully documented my husband’s childhood: at what age he started to stand up, when he crawled, sat up and took his first steps. But our son does not fit this expectation and the feeling of doing something wrong grew inside me every day.

It was an orthopedic doctor, to whom I took my son for a consultation, who reassured me. She said: “How can you be so naive? Do you have a healthy child and are stressed about your mother-in-law’s notes? Put all that aside and live quietly.” After that, I managed to take a deep breath and realize that it wasn’t worth my sanity.

Often, our own mothers and grandmothers seem to recount with satisfaction how perfectly they raised us, even though they had to work, stand in line, wash diapers by hand, and, all of that, without complaining. And today we have a dishwasher, washing machine and auxiliary at home, and even then we don’t have enough time for our children.

Many mothers often blame themselves for being lonely or scared, for the dirty floor, for dinner not being prepared in time, for unwashed hair and for the fact that the child has colic, to the point of exhaustion, all because life doesn’t fit some ideal pattern imposed by other people. But life is indeed unpredictable, and much of it does not depend on us alone. For example, your partner might just as well share the household chores, after all, everyone gets tired after a work shift.

And what about the books? In an effort to improve, we studied many volumes on motherhood, development and child psychology. This is helpful reading, but it can sometimes be harmful. We read about mistakes and their consequences, and as a result, behind any of our actions, we see future psychological trauma for the child. many mothers sit down overly responsible for their children’s future, as many psychologists tend to attribute children’s failures in adult life to parental mistakes.

The school is not left out either. At parent-teacher meetings, complexes are actively cultivated in us. Many times we leave there feeling that every “good mother” should teach her children from morning to night and take time off to be active in the parent committee. Teachers’ claims can hit mothers completely unexpectedly.

Once, the teacher scolded my son for wearing jeans to school, even though I sent him a text explaining that he had accidentally ripped his uniform pants just before leaving the house, and that his other pants were being washed. Even after my justification, she commented: “So you need three uniforms”. By her logic, I’m a terrible mother because my son doesn’t have three school pants.

Getting out of all these neurotic traps is not so easy. It helped me, for example, to realize that most of my anxieties are not related to my son, but to the evaluation of my actions by others: mother-in-law, acquaintances, teachers and even comments on social networks. For them, I never “try hard enough”.

And there really is the expression “good enough mother”. The term was coined by British pediatrician and psychologist Donald Winnicott. He even wrote a book called Conversando Com Os Pais, in which he talks about how not to fall into parental neurosis. The author’s main idea is that children don’t need perfect mothers, but reliable ones, the kind who care about them, listen to them and give them the right to make mistakes. Both for themselves and for the child.

The reality is that we must admit that a calm and confident mother is much more useful to a child than a stressed mother who aspires to perfection. Let’s believe our children more when they say, “You are the best mother in the world”.

And you, what do you do when not everything works perfectly in maternity? Tell us in the comments section.