How to talk to your addicted partner

Addictions involve a little-known background: communication. Talking to an addict can take a lot of effort. On many occasions, those who are addicted can become aggressive if they do not get what they want, or they can lie compulsively to achieve their goals. Therefore, it is essential to have patience and know how to deal with someone who suffers from some kind of addiction.

Just as there are different addictions, there are also different ways of being. Therefore, communication will vary depending on each person and the type of addiction. However, this problem becomes even greater when the addict is your partner, since sadness, anger and chaos will be a constant. What can we do in these cases?

He is sick and needs help

If you are in this case, the first thing you should do is not judge your partner harshly. Although it may be complicated for you, remember that an addiction is a disease and when we judge the addict, they sink deeper into that problem. It is not that we are weak or cowards and that is why we accept it, but that we seek to give him the stability that allows him to combat his loneliness and addiction. Although, above all you must ensure your safety and that of your children.

Speak when the person is in a position to do so

A very common mistake is trying to talk to an addicted person when they are intoxicated. Unfortunately, during this stage your partner cannot understand what you say, you will be a prisoner of your feelings and the next day he will have forgotten the argument. Cases of violence usually occur at this moment due to the loss of control of the two people. Ideally, you should wait until your partner is conscious to talk, and also try to have someone nearby to control him if he becomes violent.

Establishing a cordial and calm atmosphere will be important to have a deep conversation about the problem. Providing a calm and stress-free environment will help our couple feel calmer. Offering our support and help will be a key point for you to know that you are not alone. Likewise, we can also offer you the possibility of going to a professional.

Keep the conversation simple

When he is calm, you can start the conversation with something similar to “I need to talk, please listen to me without interrupting.” Don’t worry if it sounds like a command, in reality, this phrase will help you attract his attention. Next, explain the situation in a simple way: “last night you arrived late, drunk, you woke up the children and scared them.” From this moment you can express your feelings: fears for your children, for you as a couple, etc.

It is advisable to express myself calmly, without alterations or raising my voice. The addicted person can respond unpredictably to hostile environments, so It will be important to speak sincerely, directly but tactfully..

Tell the truth

Don’t lie or say things you won’t follow through on, like you’ll leave the house. It is better that you talk to him or her about the concern that you and your children have for him or her and his or her health. If you have made the decision to break up with this relationship, you should explain when you will do so and if there is any possibility of reconciliation later.

Lying with threats that will never be fulfilled is just one more way to prolong the situation. Your partner will be aware that this is a manipulation technique that you never carry out, so Before speaking it is advisable to know that what we will say will be true.

Don’t fall into the game of promises

It is very common for addicts to promise what their partner wants to hear. However, you must stand firm and not allow his promises to engulf you. Believing him and giving him new opportunities will make you addicted to a partner who at the moment cannot give you a quality relationship.

What you should NOT do if your partner is an addict

In addition to knowing how to talk to an addict, It is important to recognize the best way to act when faced with this problem. This way, you can encourage and motivate the search for professional help, as well as prevent counterproductive mistakes.

The most frequent failures reported by partners of addicts are:

Control all the behaviors of the addicted person. Although it may seem like a useful decision, it is important that the addict does not feel pressured. Especially in the most premature phases of a rehabilitation process. Furthermore, control can generate a change of roles in which the couple no longer presents a horizontal dynamic, which ends up deteriorating the relationship even more.Prohibit consumption. The regulation of consumption is the responsibility of the detoxification center team and the person with addiction themselves. Prohibiting consumption can lead to lies, hiding information and lack of communication between the couple.Minimize the problem. An alternative that many couples take, to avoid the uncertainty of addiction, is to minimize the problem or not give it the importance it really has. We could say that it would be the polar opposite of control or prohibition, and it can also lead to negative consequences.

Talking to an addict: complicated task

It will never be easy to talk to your partner if he or she is an addict. You will be scared, hurt and disappointed by the whole situation, but by starting a conversation you will help him take the first step. Remember that you can help him get ahead, but you will never be able to decide for him. Encouraging him to ask for professional help is the best solution in these cases.

In this case, it is advisable to educate yourself about the addiction. Well, the more you learn, the more you will understand the condition and the better you will be able to help. In addition, investigate the different professional interventions that can help them overcome the problem.

For example, Becoña and Cortés (2008) point out the effectiveness of behavioral family and couples therapies in this type of situations. This type of therapies, as Marcos Sierra and Garrido Fernández (2009) highlight, “consists of training in communication skills and increasing the rate of positive reinforcement in family relationshipsbeing used in patients who are married or who live with non-drug-using partners.”.

Therefore, asking for professional help can be the beginning of change. In this way, your relationship will be improved and, little by little, you will be able to enjoy each other fully and without conflicts.

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