Do you know what contingent self-esteem is?

Until not long ago, science understood self-esteem in two ways. Whoever had it high saw themselves capable of achieving whatever they set out to do. The person who had it low had all the chances to suffer and develop some psychological disorder. However, currently, We know that self-esteem fluctuates and that, sometimes, having high self-esteem is not enough to be happy.

There are those who, for example, have an excellent perception of themselves in the workplace and, on the contrary, feel a great deal of insecurity regarding their physical image. We all walk that tightrope when it comes to the psychological construct of self-esteem. There are always areas that shake and spaces where we find good moorings.

At the same time, we cannot ignore an undeniable fact. The beliefs we build about ourselves are contingent and always depend on what surrounds us.. Family, friends, teachers and even social networks shape, day by day, the way we see ourselves and the potential we believe we have. Understanding this is essential to take into account which messages we should give value to and which ones to ignore.

Our relationships and the way we are treated affects our self-esteem.

Your contingent self-esteem conditions your life

How would you say your self-esteem is right now? Do you feel competent and efficient enough to achieve your dreams and the goals you set for yourself? What perception do you have of yourself in the area of ​​social relationships? Do you accept your body or would you feel better with a different appearance? Reviewing these dimensions from time to time can give us an idea of ​​where we are.

On the other hand, this data may surprise us. One of the figures who first gave us a vision of self-esteem that was as realistic as it was practical, was William James. In his journal The Principles of Psychology he explained that this dimension, far from being stable, fluctuates in response to different circumstances, contexts and events.

Contingent self-esteem defines how we see ourselves based on what our relationships are like or how society influences us. And let’s take into account a fact. It is not easy to define what phenomena undermine the foundations of our self-esteem. Because each person is affected in a particular way by some experiences and not others.

When you are good in one area and everything else fails

We all, to a greater or lesser extent, have contingent self-esteem because we depend on what surrounds us to have a more or less healthy image of ourselves. People make judgments at every moment, we compare ourselves and draw conclusions about how we see ourselves, but also about how we believe others see us.

William James already explained to us that human beings make their value judgments in a multitude of different areas and domains. This can cause us to feel competent in one dimension and fallible in another.. It is possible that someone bases their self-esteem on their intellectual competencies and academic successes. However, in the social and emotional area you may feel completely fallible and this may affect your well-being.

The University of Michigan indicates something else in a study. Contingent self-esteem means that we are always trying to validate our abilities and qualities. We need people and society to make us visible, reinforce us and value who we are. Only in this way do we acquire presence and develop a good self-image. The problem is that this does not always happen…

The contingency of family and social networks

Contingent self-esteem makes us always live on guard. There comes a point when we realize that certain relationships and situations can violate our strengths and identity. We bond with each other hoping that they will not harm us and that act as validating agents of our self-concept and self-image.

It is common to reach adulthood and realize how our family has contributed to consolidating many of our insecurities. This means that, as far as possible, we try to look for other contingencies, that is, other people who nourish us, who make us feel safe and non-fallible.

On the other hand, it is impossible not to talk about how social networks and the digital world shape and challenge the self-esteem of young people. We could say that they are the main contingency factor in this 19th century. The likes and followers not only give us status, but they reveal to us how much we are worth to others. This can be devastating.

Although the way others treat us will always affect our self-esteem, we can develop strengths so that these effects do not invalidate us completely.

More true self-esteem and fewer contingencies

Contingent self-esteem will always be present in us in one way or another. We are, after all, social beings, and we depend on how others treat us or see us. Sometimes, the simple fact of losing a job can significantly affect self-esteem, as can being betrayed by a friend or partner.

There will always be turning points that will affect this psychological construct, to a greater or lesser degree. Can we completely free ourselves from that external dependence? The answer is no, not at all. But we can develop a true, stronger and more resilient self-esteem that is not so dependent on how people treat us or the social events themselves.

These would be some dimensions that we should develop:

Self-respect

Remember that you are a person who deserves to be cared for, valued and respected. You must provide these dimensions first, it is a supply that should not be missing in your daily life. Pay attention to yourself, prioritize yourself.

Self-approval

Everything you are and how you are is fine. Approves your way of being, your needs, your skills, your strengths and even your physical image. There may be aspects of yourself that you don’t like, and that is permissible, but far from rejecting them, accept them because they allow you to be you.

Resilience

Adversity exists, you are fallible, you will make mistakes and there will be days when everything goes wrong. However, your self-esteem will become stronger if you accept these inclemencies, adapting or facilitating a change, that is the key. Develop your resilience and you will gain satisfaction.

You are you, others are others

Why always want to be like others to feel accepted? The world is full of the same people, so sometimes accepting our uniqueness makes us unique and more empowered. Let’s stop focusing on what we lack to value the person we are.

To conclude, these dimensions will allow us to strengthen the muscle of self-esteem so that it does not weaken too easily. This is a daily work in which we must commit ourselves. Our well-being depends on it.

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