How to manage expectations and stick to what matters

Managing expectations means knowing how to adjust our goals and beliefs to invest in happiness. It is not a simple craft. After all, we tend to expect too much from others, from ourselves, and even from life itself. This very common tendency often leads us towards suffering, because as they say, good is less good when we only expect the best.

The psychologist Jean Piaget pointed out that young children often have problems differentiating what happens in their internal world from what happens outside. At 6 or 7 years old, we all go through a time marked by “magical thinking” and the classic idea that what we want will happen.

The curious thing is that some people reach adulthood by reinforcing the foundations of that scheme. This makes them believe that the world must conform to their vision, their desires and their expectations. What Piaget defined as magical reasoning in his day, today we call the “law of attraction” and he sells millions of books around the world.

Now, we must be clear: life is not always what we want, people (sometimes) are not what we expect, and sometimes we even set completely impossible goals for ourselves. The antidote to disappointment is to cultivate higher expectations. We explain how to achieve it.

Keys to managing expectations and not being disappointed in the attempt

An expectation is the firm belief that something will happen just as one expects. This view applies equally to events and people. That is, human beings build expectations about their own future and also about their relationship with others. Does this mean that these psychological constructs are negative or counterproductive? Absolutely.

All of us need a certain security when thinking about the future. Holding hope that certain events will happen as we expect gives us security, calm and well-being.. The same thing happens with our emotional ties. We take for granted that our partner, family and friends will support us in any need because there is a social bond based on trust.

The same thing happens in our decision-making processes. Research work, such as those carried out at the University of Trento, highlights how expectations mediate much of what we decide on a daily basis. Knowing how to adjust them, be realistic and remove any trace of “magical thinking” from them will be practical and enriching.

Let’s see how to achieve it.

1. Deactivate certain ideas from your mind

Albert Ellis, creator of rational emotive therapy (RET), focused on how irrational ideas mediate our discomfort. A good part of these mental biases stem from unrealistic expectations that boycott any attempt to be happy.

So, It is necessary to become aware of those thought patterns that only serve to bring us frustration constant. They are the following:

Life has to be fair. Everyone must like me. The people I appreciate must always act as I expect. Those around me must always agree with me. I have to achieve everything I set my mind to. People have to Always understand myself. I must do everything well. If I try hard enough, what I want will happen. When I get what I want I will be happy. People can change if I ask them to.

2. Expecting things that are out of your control is the prelude to disappointment

To manage expectations, you must focus on what only you can control. If you expect to win the lottery, you are using magical thinking. If you wait for a promotion without fighting for it and working for it, you are also applying magical thinking.

The same thing happens when you wait for certain people to behave the way you want. None of these events depend on you, therefore, you must adjust that vision.

A realistic expectation is one that you set yourself, knowing that you have the appropriate resources to make it a reality. And even so, sometimes, what you fight for does not always happen, but the probability of success will always be greater than if you depend on luck or third parties.

3. Stick to what really matters, be realistic and prudent

Christen Dalsgaard was a 19th century Danish painter who created a truly beautiful work titled Surely He Will Come? (1879). In it there is a lady in the threshold of a door looking with some anxiety to one side, as if waiting for the arrival of her loved one. That composition is the vivid representation of expectations: almost taking for granted that something will happen.

To manage expectations, it is necessary to be realistic and prudent. For example, it is not good to have high expectations of a movie that you have not seen just because you like the director. Nor do we bet our entire lives on one person. Sometimes, we can be disappointed.

The girl in Dalsgaard’s painting may have had high expectations in her mind about someone who in the end did not appear. Let’s be cautious, let’s cultivate a positive and hopeful attitude, but with a small nuance of realism and prudence.

4. Reduce expectations a little to let yourself be surprised

Life can bring us wonderful things, but sometimes by maintaining high expectations the impact is sometimes diluted. We may have expected, for example, that our partner would give us a trip to Paris and in the end, the gift would be nothing more than a weekend getaway to the beach. But what does it matter if we are together?

Reducing expectations to stick to what really matters requires becoming aware of where we place our gaze. It’s good to always put it in the stars, at the top of our heads. However, life happens right under our noses. Right in front.

Reducing expectations is not belittling ourselves, it is adjusting to that more accurate and realistic level in which we allow ourselves to be surprised by what destiny brings us.

You might be interested…