Here’s how to help if you’re in a relationship with someone who struggles with self-esteem and self-esteem.

Being happy starts from the inside out, but therapists say there are some things you can do to help grow a partner with low self-esteem.

In the canon of popular relationship advice, “love yourself or no one else can love you” is dismissed so often that it has reached the point of cliché.

It’s RuPaul’s catchphrase on “Drag Race.”

It’s the advice well-meaning friends give you when you’re full of negative self-talk after being dumped.

Still, just because something is used discriminatingly doesn’t mean it has no value.

In fact, it’s really hard to love another person when you’re dealing with low self-esteem or a lack of self-love.

We often hear how narcissists can sabotage your relationships, but someone with low self-esteem can wreak as much havoc on a relationship as anything else.

People who deny themselves love and love their partner too much can result in a codependent relationship.

This creates an impossible bond for your partner. These are internal changes that only the person themselves can truly make, so recognizing your limits is crucial.

What else can you do if you love someone who doesn’t love himself? Keep scrolling and here’s some good advice:

First, recognize that you cannot fix your partner’s problems.

Feeling good (or bad) about yourself is internal. The seeds of self-loathing are usually planted early in life and are difficult to overcome. It is possible, but it is the one who doubts himself who should work, not his partner.

You can’t fix someone else’s problem, but you can recognize it with love. It’s also critical that you share your own challenges, both separate from theirs and the impact your feelings and behaviors have on you.

Let him know through a series of conversations how his thinking and behavior affects you.

Say something like, “It’s really hard to love you when you don’t see anything positive in yourself” or “I need you to ask for help to change how you feel about yourself because your dependence on me is suffocating me.”

Be a mirror.

Someone with low self-esteem will dwell on an endless list of things that are wrong with them: that person will never get promoted because they are not qualified for their current job; she hates how awkward she feels at parties; she will never live up to the childhood or college expectations she set for herself.

As a partner, you have the unique ability to to point out all that is positive, good and kind in her. As you do this, say how it shapes the way you see her.

Have these positive, trust-building conversations in casual conversations and over time so you can stay consistent with her rather than having a one-time conversation.

What you are doing is modeling for your partner what he needs to learn to do for himself.

Don’t be afraid to criticize or speak up when problems arise in your relationship.

In a relationship, you have to ask for what you need, or sometimes you’ll never get it. Don’t let your fear of ‘disturbing’ your partner’s shaky self-esteem stop you from disclosing any problems you’re having in the relationship.

It’s fine to praise the things he does well and appreciate his good deeds, but it’s vital to the health of the relationship. don’t hide things that aren’t going well.

Don’t like the wet towel on the bed or watching your partner text while driving? Speak up, even if he reacts like you’ve just told him he’s the worst person in the world.

If you take his reaction calmly instead of guilt, it will be good for both of you.

Be a cheerleader when your partner succeeds in life.

People with low self-esteem often have a recurring internal monologue of negative self-talk that diminishes their accomplishments.

When something positive happens to him, he ends up not enjoying the moment. Instead, he will find a way to deny it so that it confirms his poor view. That’s what he knows; that’s what’s comforting.

If your partner is the harshest critic, you can—and should—be the trusted person in the stands, always ready to encourage him or her.

Share how you came to value and cultivate self-love in your life.

Have you ever felt down in the same way your partner is feeling right now? Tell him that!

People who experience self-loathing often feel alone with their feelings, so hearing that someone they care about felt the same way is very comforting.

Consider therapy, maybe for both of you.

Gaining enough self-esteem or self-love to feel loved is often hard work, but getting professional help can help.

Breakthroughs are much less likely to happen in a peer-to-peer relationship than between a person and their therapist. But a constructive way for you to help would be to suggest that your partner see a psychotherapist if you want to build trust.

This is healthy for the relationship because the “helper” is able to remove himself from the role of enabling savior while encouraging his partner to strengthen and grow.

The partner who is confident in this equation can also benefit from therapy—to understand why they chose a partner with low self-esteem and to learn how they can increase their own worth and love as well.

Therapy would potentially help both parties because it could shift the relationship from an empowering parent/child type to an adult-adult one in which both would feel more empowered to express their authentic selves.

SEE TOO:

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