How to help a person with borderline personality disorder

Few clinical conditions are as complex and exhausting as borderline personality disorder (BPD). Now, beyond the treatments, beyond biogenics or psychogenics, there is that psychosocial scenario of the patient himself, where his personal and family environment does not know what to do, what not to do or how to help a loved one who demands care. Hence the question of this article: how to help a person with borderline personality disorder?

Often, when we talk about mental illnesses or any type of psychological disorder, we limit ourselves to listing the characteristics and addressing their origins and triggers, forgetting a key aspect. We leave aside the personal and relational universe of that person: whether we like it or not, she is lost, suffocated and cornered in the bars of her own mind.

The intrinsic difficulty of personality disorders

Any psychology expert knows that Nothing is as challenging and complicated to evaluate and treat as personality disorders.. There is a great deal of symptomatic overlap, many false positives (people who receive a bad diagnosis) and although diagnostic manuals such as the DSM-V help to clarify some traits, the immense psychopathological labyrinth that this condition presents is often overlooked.

That’s why it’s so complicated to know how to help a person with borderline personality disorder. Families who have a person diagnosed with this disorder know that not everything their loved one does or suffers appears in the books.

Most of the time they are the target and the direct victims of each instability, paranoid ideas, existential voids and their dichotomous thoughts are those who are closest. It is necessary, therefore, that we keep more in mind the family environment of people with psychological disorders.

General characteristics of people with borderline personality disorder

The University of Ohio, in the United States, carried out a study to define the main characteristics of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). One aspect that is always evident is maladjusted behavior.

However, the instability in their interpersonal relationships, self-image and affectivity are undoubtedly the most striking elements. There are, without a doubt, other evidence that add greater complexity to this condition:

Their mood swings are extreme. They can go from idealizing their loved ones to devaluing and humiliating them. They exhibit impulsive and irrational behaviors. They have chronic feelings of emptiness and a feeling of abandonment. They have paranoid ideas or temporary dissociative symptoms. They often lead to behaviors of self-harm and suicidal tendencies. They use abundant defense mechanisms, such as denial or projection, which makes it even more difficult to become aware of their illness and their ability to take responsibility for themselves.

Main causes of BPD

As a study carried out at the University of Heidelberg, in Germany, reveals, this condition has neurobiological correlates. That is, there are certain imbalances in the brain amygdala area, as well as low activity in the inhibition of prefrontal areas and excessive activity in the mirror neuron system.

Another cause that has been found for this disorder is the presence of a traumatic event in the patient’s life. Abuses, environmental disasters, wars and other horrors are agents that can trigger BPD.

On the other hand, the influence of psychosocial factors should not be underestimated either. In a society where individualism, superficiality in relationships and loneliness are encouraged, neurodivergent people have an extra obstacle to overcome. Problems of integration, emotional regulation or abusive education must be considered when making the diagnosis.

How to help a person with borderline personality disorder

It should be noted that, As with many other psychological conditions, borderline personality disorder does not have a “magic cure.”. There is no infallible therapy that deactivates the roller coaster of your mood swings, your extremes, your fears and emptiness.

What we have at our disposal are different types of treatments where we can achieve something essential: recover emotional stability and improve the quality of our relationships. This is the first step in knowing how to help a person with borderline personality disorder.

There is an essential aspect that we cannot leave aside: family support is basic in those cases where there is a mental illness. We must offer adequate coping strategies to the personal environment so that they learn to live with and help their loved one.

People close to the patient with borderline personality disorder often feel guilty. They carry endless doubts, they take responsibility for relapses, for self-harm, for not having sensed this or that, for not having chosen the right words at a certain moment… If we are family or friends, it is essential that we first take these 5 into account. aspects.

1. We should not blame ourselves for our family member’s illness

It seems like common sense, but experiencing this situation very often leads to feelings of guilt. Therefore, it is necessary to internalize 3 very simple phrases:

We have not caused the disorder. We cannot cure it. We cannot control it.

2. The importance of understanding borderline disorder

When helping a person with borderline personality disorder, we must understand that nothing is as important as understanding what is happening and why my family member acts this way.It is essential that we know all the symptoms and characteristics.

As we noted at the beginning, this disease is an amalgamation of psychopathologies that are as complex as they are devastating. Sometimes, along with the disorder itself, other conditions may appear: depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, eating disorders or substance abuse.

Likewise, and although borderline personality disorder is treatable, it is common for these patients to avoid and skip any help. It is essential, therefore, that we encourage them to adhere to therapies and pharmacological treatments.

3. Learn to communicate with your family member

People with borderline personality disorder may say cruel and irrational things. They fear being abandoned and left out, hence they explode into fits of rage and verbal abuse.

Specialists indicate that it is like having “auditory dyslexia”. They hear the words out of order, from the inside out, from the side and without context. When they are verbally aggressive we will tell them that it is not a good time to talk, that they are important to us and that in order to help them it is better to communicate when they are relaxed.

When they are calm, We will pay more attention to their emotions than to their words to validate them, to reconcile affections and provide help. It doesn’t matter if what they say doesn’t make sense or is irrational. We must make them feel heard and supported.

4. Establish healthy boundaries with the person with borderline personality disorder

One of the most effective ways to help a loved one with borderline personality disorder is to get them to gain control over their behavior. For it, We will make you comply with limits where you can regulate yourself and where, above all, you understand that you must continue with your treatment.

We will establish what is and is not permissible. We will affectionately indicate what is not permissible to the person with borderline personality disorder: “We love you and we want this to work. To achieve this you must understand that if you talk to us this way or do these things you harm yourself and us. We cannot accept it. I ask you to make this change for yourself and for us.”

5. Get involved in the treatment

Many of the therapies, logically, directly involve the family or the closest loved ones. Part of working on communication and setting consistent limits involves participating in treatment and learning self-regulation strategies.

Furthermore, the wear and tear of caring and helping another person to regulate themselves also ends up causing problems for family members. You may also need treatment.

What NOT to do with the person with borderline personality disorder

On the other hand, and although it is sometimes difficult, it is also necessary to repress certain behaviors that are confused with setting limits. In reality, these actions only create a gap between the patient and the family member, preventing progress in treatment:

Threaten him or give him ultimatums. Tolerate the abusive behavior. Allow him to stop treatment.We cannot ignore his threats of suicide.

To Help Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, First Take Care of Yourself

You are important too. You are not only the person who supports the person suffering from BPD, but also someone worthy of receiving help, respect, and having a life of their own. Therefore, do not forget to follow these tips:

We should not isolate ourselves and reduce our entire life around the person with borderline personality disorder.We will not neglect our health. We can go to support groups with other family members in the same situation. We will learn techniques to manage stress.

To conclude, achieving that therapeutic alliance between the patient, his family and the professionals who are treating the person is not something simple, but it does not make it impossible. Helping a person with borderline personality disorder It is a daily challenge, a road full of potholes, but ultimately rewarding when we manage to neutralize impulsivity and sow in them a decision-making that is more rational than emotional.

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