Psychology of forgiveness: detachment from resentment to allow us to move forward

The psychology of forgiveness is also a form of detachment. It refers to an entire act of courage through which people put aside that gnawing resentment of which we are captives to accept what happened and allow ourselves to move forward. It is also a restructuring of the “I”, a psychological path where we repair damage and negative emotions to find inner peace little by little and day by day.

Every time we search for literature regarding the psychology of forgiveness, we find mostly works and documents related to personal growth, the study of morality and even the world of religion or spirituality. Now, are there scientific studies on what forgiveness is, how to carry it out and what it means for our physical and emotional balance to be able to take that step?

The answer, obviously, is “yes”. In fact The “American Psychological Association” has multiple works and research on what it is to forgive and what it is not.and how our societies and this world so full of conflicts throughout history have not always been able to advance in this sense: a dimension that in turn is key to our mental well-being.

In fact, and it is important to remember this, many of us may have some thorn in our side, a pending account with some event from our past that undermines our current happiness, that reduces the potential of our ability to build a much more satisfactory present. We all, in some way, hold our small share of resentment towards something or someone that needs to begin to heal…

Forgive to avoid personal “wear and tear”

The best way to delve into this area of ​​psychology is to differentiate what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness, first of all, does not mean telling ourselves that what happened at a given moment was okay if it was not. Nor does it mean “accepting” or reconciling with the person who hurt us; even less force us to feel closeness or pity towards her.

The psychology of forgiveness, in reality, offers us the appropriate strategies so that we are able to take the following steps:

Assume that things happened that specific way. Nothing that happened at that specific moment in our past can be changed. Therefore, we must stop speculating, losing energy, spirit and health by imagining how things could have been if we had acted differently, if we had done this instead of the next thing.

The psychology of forgiveness tells us in turn that we are not obliged to understand or accept the values ​​or thoughts of the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is not offering mercy or seeking justifications for what we suffer. We must never give up our dignity.

It is more about facilitating the grieving of resentmentof removing layers of anger, intensity of despair and that blockage that prevents us from breathing… To do this, it is necessary that we stop hating the person who hurt us.

On the other hand, there is an important aspect that we tend to forget. Forgiveness is the cornerstone of any relationship, whether as a couple, friendship, etc Let’s remember that not everyone sees things the same way we do; In fact, there are as many perceptions, approaches and opinions as there are days throughout the year.

Sometimes, we assume certain actions as affronts or acts of contempt when what is behind it is a simple disagreement or misunderstanding. Thus, and in order to stop seeing betrayals where there are none, we must be able to expand our sense of understanding and our capacity for forgiveness.

The psychology of forgiveness, key to health

Dr. Bob Enright, from the University of Wisconsin, is one of the most famous experts in the study of the psychology of forgiveness. After more than three decades analyzing cases, carrying out studies and writing books on the subject, he has concluded with something that may perhaps catch our attention. Not everyone succeeds, not all of us are capable of taking the step to offer forgiveness. The reason for this lies in the belief that forgiving is a form of weakness.

It’s a mistake. One of the best ideas that the psychology of forgiveness gives us is that doing so, taking the step, in addition to allowing us to move forward more freely in our present, gives us the opportunity to integrate new values ​​and strategies into our being to deal with any source. of stress and anxiety. Because Forgiving and recycling resentments into freedoms is an act of courage and strength.

In addition, Dr. Enright reminds us that there are many reasons that justify taking the step towards forgiveness. The best of all is that we will gain health. There are many studies that demonstrate the close relationship between forgiveness and the reduction of anxiety, depression and other disorders that completely reduce our quality of life. ANDForgiveness provides vital benefits for mental and physical well-being, summarized below (Luskin, 2003):
A reduction in:

Depression.Anger.Stress.Cardiovascular disease.Pain.

Increases and improvements in:

Hope.Compassion.Self-confidence.Immune response.

Forgiveness gives us a powerful path to reduce our suffering and bring greater dignity and harmony to our lives ” writes Shapiro (2020).

Let us therefore put into practice some of the following strategies to facilitate the path of forgiveness:

Forgiving is not forgetting, it is learning to think better, understanding that we are not obliged to facilitate reconciliation., but to accept what happened without feeling “weak” for taking that step. Forgiveness is freeing ourselves from many burdens that we do not deserve to carry for life.Hating takes away our energy, spirit and hope.. We must therefore learn to forgive to survive, to live with greater dignity. Therapeutic writing and journaling can help us.We must understand in turn that time by itself does not help. Letting the days, months and years pass will not make us stop hating or forget what happened. Let’s not leave for tomorrow the discomfort we feel today.Forgiveness is a process. This is something we must also understand. We may never be able to completely forgive the other person, but we can unload a good part of all that resentment so we can “breathe” a little better…

Forgiveness Skills

Forgiveness is not one skill but several, including acceptance, changing perspectives, emotional regulation, compassion, and radical responsibility. Finding the right balance helps you forgive not only those against whom you have grievances, but also the discomforts we face daily. It can lead you to be more compassionate and fulfilled, and feel like your life is complete.

1. Acceptance

Acceptance is not about defeat or resignation; It’s about accepting what has happened. After all, while change is inevitable, suffering is the result of our resistance to it. Acceptance changes the balance. Your view of what is happening is altered. You “separate the pain that is inevitable from the suffering that is optional” (Shapiro, 2020).

2. Emotional regulation

Emotional regulation helps you control your emotions and avoid “hijacking” your amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for initiating your fight or flight reaction.

3. Changing perspectives

Changing your perspective can help you step back and observe your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. Stop being a slave to your selfish narrative. Being aware of the sensation is very different from experiencing it and can provide you with the psychological distance needed to move forward.

4. Empathy and compassion

Empathy and compassion help you feel what another is experiencing and can be incredibly helpful on the path to forgiveness. While empathy is powerful in understanding the pain of others, compassion encourages you to take the necessary steps to reduce that suffering.

5. Radical responsibility

Radical responsibility requires being responsible for yourself, owning your actions, feelings, thoughts and behavior. Instead of reacting with fear, running away, or denying what is happening, you should take steps to avoid recurring harmful behaviors.

To conclude, as we see, the field of forgiveness psychology is very broad and has a very close relationship with the area of ​​health and well-being. It is a discipline that offers us fabulous strategies to apply in any area of ​​our life, our work and daily relationships. Forgiving is therefore one of the best capacities and virtues to develop as human beings.