How to deal with someone who is defensive

It has happened to all of us. We know someone we can’t get close to, no matter how hard we try: It is as if there were a wall that prevented us from communicating. We try all the tricks we know, we become more attentive and detailed, and we display our personal charm, but nothing works; The person maintains an elusive attitude and we do not know how to talk to him.

A practical option is to simply avoid the person, but sometimes this is not possible because we need to share information. Perhaps we are even so sociable that we cannot resign ourselves to not being able to engage in friendly relations with someone we are close to.

But if nothing works, How to talk to someone defensively? Defensiveness is a barrier to socialization that is not easy to overcome, but with cunning and perseverance we can turn someone from defensive to receptive.

The invisible barrier

It probably doesn’t take much effort to think of someone who is always on the defensive. It could be a co-worker, someone everyone avoids because he always responds aggressively and is uncooperative. Or perhaps a family member, a person who, although you love him very much, you know never accepts a contradiction and who gets angry easily.

Although we all have moments when we adopt a defensive attitude, they are temporary episodes. Bad news, a breakup, a bad day at work, are situations that frustrate us and sometimes make us not want to talk to anyone. But after a break we return to normal and our relationships continue their course. It is different when a person remains in that state all the time, and defensiveness becomes their way of being.

When the attitude is maintained all the time is when we feel that there is an invisible barrier. No matter how much we try to connect with the person, we continue to perceive that defensive posture. We don’t understand the situation, because we think it should be easier to establish a pleasant dialogue. Finally, we give up, and choose to avoid that defensive person so as not to upset them or get one ourselves.

Empathy, key to healthy relationships

This principle is the basis for communication in general. Even with the most approachable people, empathy is necessary to understand the other’s point of view. With a person who is always on the defensive, we must try harder to put this principle into practice.

When receiving defensive responses, our body can react by adopting a similar attitude; we must avoid this. If there is no real threat, there is no need for us to take a defensive posture. Instead, we must put ourselves in the other person’s frame of reference, be empathetic.

It may be difficult in the moment, particularly because we don’t understand why the other person has become defensive. We may think that we have been kind and that it is not fair to be responded to with anger, disdain and monosyllables, and we are probably right, but that is not the point of empathy.

We don’t need to understand the other person’s reasons; It is only enough for us to accept their emotions and understand them.

Rest assured that No one (or at least almost no one) assumes a defensive attitude of their own volition. There are one or more reasons why people fall into that attitude, even if that person is not aware of them. But, at least in principle, it is not necessary to know those reasons. Maybe over time you can discover them, but initially focus more on understanding the other person’s feelings.

Reflect emotions, and be an example of how to regulate them

Once you understand the other person’s emotions, you are in a position to reflect them. If the person assumes a defensive attitude it is because they perceive a threat. Maybe you don’t see that threat anywhere, but you know what it feels like to be afraid, angry, frustrated, etc. Don’t tell the person that you understand them, rather show them with your own attitude.

If your coworker seems tense, show him with your attitude that you know tension and stress. If your family member seems dissatisfied, show them that you have also experienced dissatisfaction. You don’t have to understand his reasons, just show him that you can feel the same way.

When the person verifies that you are truly capable of understanding their emotions, you open a very important door. You become an emotional relief, you inspire confidence and create connections. You can’t imagine how good the other person will feel when they find someone with true empathy.

Most importantly, you will open a channel of communication. Once the other person recognizes their own emotions in you, you will gain credibility, and you will have the opportunity to show them how to regulate them. Instead of simply telling him what’s wrong and what he should do (probably everyone has done this and it’s only reinforced his defensiveness), you can show that negative emotions don’t have to alienate us from others.

You can teach by example how to accept frustration, stress and other negative emotions. You don’t have to process your own feelings like a spiritual guru; It is enough for you to demonstrate humane, sensitive management adapted to your environment. You can also convey calm, and demonstrate with your emotions that there is no threat and there is no need to be defensive.

Assertive communication, the moment of truth

Up to this point we have maintained communication on an emotional level. From empathy and identification, a solid foundation has been built to move to a more verbal and rational level. Now we can express in words what we feel and establish frank communication.

But we must not forget that we are dealing with a person with a tendency towards defensiveness. Even though we have gained his trust, he still maintains his frame of reference, so, If we are not careful, we can reactivate your alerts and become a threat. That is why we have to communicate assertively.

This consists of gaining precision when expressing ourselves, making it more difficult for misunderstandings to occur.. When we communicate assertively we not only think about what we want to say, but we put ourselves in the other’s shoes to make sure they understand us.

It’s about choosing the right words (although that is very important), but also about expressing emotional understanding. If we are empathetic, we can be less reactive, more reflective, and we can understand the other’s attitude in a broader context. The other doesn’t really want to hurt us, just defend himself. We can talk to you thinking about your well-being, not from a position of judgment, but from understanding.

Change ourselves so that others can do the same

Surely you have thought many times that someone who is defensive is necessarily a bitter person, and not a fearful person. However, now you may be able to see it in a kinder and more understanding way.

This change in mentality is already a great achievement, and a way to approach people with a constant defensive attitude. If we avoid judging and try to understand and empathize, We can create spaces for safe communication, and convince our peers that it is not necessary to maintain the invisible barrier all the time.

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