My partner puts his family first: what can I do?

“My partner puts his family first, no matter the circumstance or the problem we must solve, each decision first goes through the filter of its parents. There have been three of us in this relationship for a long time and I no longer know what to do.” Regardless of how curious it may seem to us, this circumstance occurs quite frequently and is not only the source of problems, but also of numerous breakups.

We often say that when we formalize a relationship with someone and start a life together, we commit to that person; Not with her family. However, to assume this is sometimes to err on the side of innocence. Each of us brings behind us a legacy of family figures. that, without needing to be present, determine us.

That is to say, sometimes it is not necessary for our partner’s parents or siblings to be at home. Sometimes, they are perceived and made visible in their comments, reasoning and in those invisible mandates that continue to determine them. The weight of the family may be more or less present in each one, but Being able to distance ourselves from those threads is synonymous with maturity and well-being.

When this does not happen, when someone puts even their own family before their partner or children, large gaps open in coexistence. We analyze it.

My partner puts his family first: strategies to deal with this situation

We would love to have a crystal ball to be able to foresee the future. Because When we start a relationship with someone we don’t always intuit or perceive certain things. What’s more, what usually happens is that even seeing some aspects, we add a golden filter called idealization. Thus, if our partner is very familiar, it is something that we usually view favorably at first.

Now, over time, this familiarity with your loved ones may show excessive attachment. It is very possible that, at some point, we will discover, overwhelmed, that for our partner, their parents always come first. It is true that sometimes we can understand very specific reactions, But when that trend becomes constant, the alarm light goes on.

What can we do in these circumstances? We analyze it.

1. Assertive communication: my needs your priorities

When my partner puts his family first, the last thing I should do is stay silent. Remaining silent while we wait for changes is neither subtle nor advisable. You must use assertive and empathetic communication.

Explain the situation calmly and clearly. Always try to give concrete examples explaining how you have felt about those reactions or behaviors. Avoid making accusations. It’s just about exposing reality.Encourage an empathetic dialogue to make clear what you need and what you expect from the other person (I hope for your support, I want you to be with me when I need you, I want to be a priority and not something secondary in your life…).It is very possible that our partner is not even aware of his behavior. For him or her, putting family first is something habitual, something he or she has always done. It is necessary to show him with this behavior that he is damaging the relationship.

2. You feel guilty for not spending more time with your loved ones

One of the reasons my partner puts his family first is because he feels guilty for not spending more time with them. When a person is excessively attached to their parents, it is very difficult to tear off that “emotional umbilical cord” from one day to the next. You need to understand that not because you have your own life, not because you have a partner and because you prioritize the latter, you love your parents less.

It is recommended that you do an exercise of introspection and maturation in this aspect. We must remember that the quality of a relationship depends in many cases on the ability of its members to establish healthy relationships.

Studies such as those carried out at the University of Cambridge, for example, tell us that having friends and having family support is good emotional and psychological support. Nevertheless, These social networks are secondary, while the bond between the couple is the priority.

3. Maintaining privacy is respect: sharing details with family is prohibited

Something that usually happens with high frequency is sharing private events with third parties; in this case, with our partner’s family. Conversations, problems, discussions, short- and long-term projects… Many of those things that you share intimately with your loved one end up reaching their parents and siblings.

Almost without knowing how, figures that have nothing to do with your relationship end up giving their opinion and even deciding for your partner. For him or her it may be something habitual because he or she has always done it. Let’s be clear, we cannot tolerate this type of situation.

When my partner puts his family first, it is common for intimate and private events to end up being aired. and this is a red barrier that we will not be able to allow and that we will put in advance notice.

4. Avoid resentment: set limits and expose changes

When we have as a partner someone who maintains very close ties with their family, It is common to feel like a foreigner in your own home.. It’s like being a foreign element that doesn’t find its place. These situations are not healthy and the last thing they will bring us is happiness.

In the event that the couple puts their family first in every circumstance We must avoid resentment or hatred towards our in-laws. Doing so means making the situation even worse.

Instead, let’s apply a constructive vision, one with which we try to reeducate the couple in what it means to have a relationship, in maintaining an authentic commitment. For it, We will set limits and propose changes:

We respect that family (both the other party’s and our own) is relevant. However, we will always be a priority for each other. Being a priority is knowing how to love.Problems are solved between us. It is prohibited to involve third parties. Family visits are agreed upon and delimited. It is not permissible for them to show up unannounced or for us to always be available for them.Any needs, desires or concerns are shared with the partner first.

5. When my partner puts his family first, he will be forced to choose sooner or later what he wants.

At some point, you will have to do it. We know that it is not good to force a loved one to choose between us and their family, but there are circumstances that are not permissible.. If we are going through a bad time, we will not welcome the fact that the person we have chosen as a life partner prefers to spend the day with her parents.

Nor is it understandable that they put the needs and desires of the parents before those of the couple themselves every day and every moment. You will have to choose because, even if you want to, no one can live in two emotional bands.

The lack of maturity in emotional matters hurts. AND Excessive attachment to parents in adulthood causes bonds doomed to suffering and failure.

To conclude, we emphasize the importance of assertive communication, empathy and establishing balanced limits to overcome this situation. And, if they have difficulty doing this, a therapy process can help them communicate better and establish boundaries.

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