How to argue without getting carried away by emotions or losing your cool?

Saying what they think or feel is a skill that some people, due to impulsiveness, carelessness or lack of knowledge, do not have sufficiently trained. In fact, We have all lost our temper at some point in the middle of an argument, burying with them the message we wanted to convey.

Now, maintaining control in certain situations is an art. It is not an easy task but it is not impossible either, in fact psychologists who are experts in communication and conflict management – from the branch of social psychology – have dedicated years of study and research to identifying what resources could help us in this task.

Argue without losing your cool: what do scientific studies tell us about it?

Nelda Sheldon and Shoron Burton (2014) explain that The interpretation of the situation is the factor that most influences when it comes to maintaining control. That is to say, rather than the situation itself being the one that upsets us and makes us lose our cool, it is our construction of what is happening that makes the difference. For example, when we understand that a personal attack has occurred in an argument, the task of staying calm becomes more complicated.

For this reason, different scientific research has focused on understanding the role of self-esteem in the way people argue. And so, It has been observed that those who have low self-esteem and a worse self-concept tend to lose their temper more easily (Karagözoğlu, kahve, Koç & Adamişoğlu, 2008).

Relating it to what we have pointed out before, in this internal context it will be easier for the discussions to be experienced as a personal attack on your ego, which is already weak at base. This is how on numerous occasions we can find ourselves with a disproportionate response to a small note or criticism.

As a summary, other studies conclude that it will be easier to remain calm in an argument if we improve in some of the factors that we have listed and that predispose us to it. Let’s think that Personality, coping habits and learning largely determine the way we face discussions. (López-Torrecillas, Martín, de la Fuente, & Godoy, 2014).

In this way, taking into account what the studies explain on this topic, we will explain a series of practical strategies to avoid losing your cool in a discussion.

The past, the past is

Dr. Mark Beyebach (2010), a psychologist who is an expert in brief therapy and solution-focused therapy, explains that Bringing past situations into the present increases the likelihood that people will take the discussion as a personal attack.. Anger and helplessness appear because the past cannot be changed.

Thus, these negative feelings blind us and make us even forget the reason for an argument. In turn, they give rise to a feeling of wasted time which, out of frustration, increases our anger.

Self-observation and self-knowledge: your best allies

Knowing your weaknesses and strengths will also help you not lose your cool in an argument.. If you pay attention to the evolution of the exchange and not just your position, it will be easier for you to know when it is best to make a concession, focus attention on the other party’s arguments, or walk away.

On the other hand, arguing with people in front of you is not the same as arguing in private, nor is it the same to argue at the end of the day when we are tired as to do it during the weekend or at a time when we are calm. Choosing one or another moment to settle or start an argument is also social intelligence.

Anticipation helps us maintain control

If you are going to face a debate, an open discussion, prepare it. Organize your presentation and identify the arguments that can best support it., as well as the order in which you are going to present them. It’s about having a script that can rescue you at any given moment.

On the other hand, If it is a discussion that you can foresee, you better have the speech prepared, your defense arguments and clear ideas. Find out about your possibilities, the strength of your arguments and, if possible, anticipate the other party’s response.

Three practical strategies to avoid losing your cool in an argument

Avoid raising your voice and speaking quickly. Keep in mind that your physiological constants will tend to follow the speed you give to your speech.Maintain body language that is peaceful and non-aggressive. Watch the way you move and the gestures you make, if you are aggressive (even if it is not your intention) you will generate a defensive response in the other person. If you begin to feel that your nerves are taking over, you can try to bring the debate to a head. on secondary issues while you regain confidence. It’s about starting the time out technique and avoid making mistakes that directly invalidate you as an interlocutor.

Finally, remember that the effects of the strategies we have listed will come with time and training. You can start with an exercise in self-observation and self-criticism that allows you to know what you can do better when participating in a discussion.

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