How I overcame the fear of abandonment

Overcoming the fear of abandonment and achieving emotional self-sufficiency is not an easy task. However, it can be achieved as soon as we convince ourselves of something: how valuable we are. About how important, bright and strong we can become without needing to depend on anyone. The moment we are able to give ourselves the love we deserve, everything changes.

There are people who, from a very early age, have had to face one of the hardest experiences: abandonment. However, we are not just referring to the fact of growing up with the absence of reference parents. Sometimes, There is no pain more evident than that of emotional abandonment. Having parents present but eternally absent who at no time provided emotional nourishment or formed the solid foundations of a secure and favorable attachment.

The early experience of abandonment leaves its mark. Just as this continuous imprint of emotional failures does where little by little, the person develops a feeling of shame, helplessness and anguish. The anguish of experiencing a feeling of chronic and continued loss. Of that abandonment that somehow leaves messages or ideas in our mind that we will never be lovedthat loneliness is our only refuge and that no one is trustworthy.

Continued abandonment distorts reality and our thoughts. Now, there is a fact that needs to be understood. Feeling afraid of being abandoned at some point by the people we love is understandable (especially if we have already suffered it before). The pathological thing is anxiety, It is allowing ourselves to be assaulted by obsessive thoughts linked to the permanent idea that we are going to be abandoned again and again.

Leaving these states is possible. Let’s see how.

“Fear is my most faithful companion, it has never tricked me into going with another.”

-Woody Allen-

Fear of abandonment, a primary fear

The fear of abandonment is like a prison. It is a closed and suffocating space that boycotts all our relationships. Now, far from torturing ourselves for experiencing this reality, understanding its foundations can help us handle these situations much better. To begin with, the fear of abandonment is a primary fear.

What does this mean? Basically, as a species, nothing is as important for the human being and its development as the feeling from a very early age that we have reference people to rely on. Parents or figures that give us secure affection, a feeling of security and trust. If this is missing from birth and early childhood, our brain feels an abysmal emptiness. This is when we are most vulnerable to developing certain mood disorders.

For example, in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence An interesting study was published carried out by the Arizona State University Department of Psychology, where something that follows this same line was demonstrated. It could be seen that The fear of abandonment appears especially in people who have experienced the death of one of their parents. It is a primal fear, something we cannot easily let go of.

Read Also: Brothers who act as parents: has this been your case?

However, once we learn to face that original anguish, as soon as we heal that wound, everything changes. In the end, we managed to get out of that prison inhabited only by needs, voids and open wounds to live with greater integrity.

How fear of abandonment manifests

The fear of losing someone usually manifests itself in various ways. The most frequent indicators are usually:

Difficulty trusting others and establishing relationships. Many people with a fear of abandonment avoid establishing close ties with others, because they fear being hurt if the other person leaves or distances themselves. In fact, they only bond when they are completely sure that the other person will be there for them.High sensitivity to criticism. They feel very distressed when someone points out or criticizes some aspect of them, to the point of increasing their insecurities.Be accommodating. People with fear of abandonment would do anything to make others accept them and stay with them. They would even do things that they don’t like, as long as they don’t make others uncomfortable or bother them.Low self-esteem. They have a negative and biased assessment of themselves. They are unable to recognize their strengths and believe that they are not good or capable enough for many things.Pattern of toxic relationships. They also tend to get involved in relationships of dependency and violence.Difficulty establishing commitments with others. The lack of trust in others, combined with the fear of getting hurt, causes them to develop a fear of commitment.Guilt when things don’t work out. When they notice that their relationships are not going well, they assume that they are to blame for all the conflicts and problems.Resort to emotional blackmail. The fear of abandonment also leads them to develop manipulative behaviors, in order to keep the other person by their side. For example, they say phrases like “if you leave me, I don’t know what will become of me.”Attach yourself to others with great ease and speed. In contrast to those who avoid forming close ties with others, there are those who become attached too quickly. Well, they fear loneliness and require the company of another to feel fulfilled.Feeling of panic when you do not receive an immediate response from others. They also often feel high amounts of anxiety when they send a message, or make a call, and do not receive an immediate response. In these cases, they usually think things like: “what if he is upset with me”, “what if he doesn’t love me anymore”, “they don’t care about me anymore”, etc.Sleeping problems. The anxiety experienced usually complicates a good night’s rest. Some even tend to develop nightmares in which other people abandon them.

Read Also: Albino people: beyond physical appearance

Types of fear of abandonment

For its part, it is pertinent to mention that not all people experience the fear of abandonment in the same way. Therefore, different forms of expression of this experience have been classified. These are:

Fear of emotional abandonment. In this case, the person perceives that his emotional needs are not being satisfied. So she feels despised by others and disconnected from her surroundings. These feelings usually do not correspond to reality and there is no reason for her to feel this way. However, the emotional deficiencies that she has carried since childhood lead her to interpret situations in a biased way and against her (for example, believing that they do not love her because they do not answer her calls).Abandonment anxiety in romantic relationships. The person usually develops a strong dependence on their partner, to the point of developing toxic behaviors to keep them by their side. For example, excessive control over the other, pathological jealousy, emotional blackmail and a strong need to please the other.Fear of abandonment in children. It is normal for children to experience fear of abandonment. In fact, so-called separation anxiety usually occurs during the early stages of development. As children begin to understand that loved ones are returning, they overcome these symptoms of fear.

Why does fear of abandonment develop?

The causes of this fear are varied and most of them have their origin during childhood. The most commons are:

Traumatic experience due to abandonment: Trauma typically occurs when the child experiences the loss or absence of a parent or caregiver; either due to the death, abandonment, abuse or negligence of the latter.Borderline personality disorder: People who suffer from this personality disorder often experience an intense fear of abandonment; which leads them to enter into toxic relationships and impulsive behavior. Although, it is pertinent to mention that this condition usually develops in people whose parents were abusive or absent.Separation anxiety disorder: occurs when the child does not overcome separation anxiety, typical of previous stages; or when you develop symptoms that are more exacerbated than normal, so that it interferes with your daily activities and normal functioning.Avoidant personality disorder: It is another personality disorder where the person experiences fear of abandonment and often feels inhibited or inadequate.

How to overcome the fear of abandonment

Traumatically experiencing one or more abandonments makes us think that we are not valuable. Added to low self-esteem is not only the fear that this will happen again, but also anxiety and not knowing how to handle a new relationship.

Read Also: 5 phrases of Toltec wisdom that will inspire you

In the end, we end up creating toxic dynamics where we need the other person excessively, where we lose authenticity in our desire to be loved, to be nourished and validated in our shortcomings.

Love that is obsessively based on need lives off suffering. No one deserves to live in a situation like this and therefore, it is necessary to learn how to do it: overcome the fear of abandonment. Let’s therefore see some strategies to achieve it.

1. Recognize fear as something normal

Accept that fear for what it is: something normal. Something that is innate in human beings but that in your case was intensified by a past experience. Fears are natural but what is not permissible is for them to take control of our lives.

2. Identify the origins of your fear

As we already said, fear of abandonment is related to childhood experiences. cKnowing where all our fear began can help us understand the situation and overcome it. more easily.

Therefore, do a retrospective exercise in which you analyze what your relationship has been like with significant people from your past Were you always afraid of being abandoned? Did you feel loved and important to them? Since when did you start to feel this way? Was there any particular event that triggered it?

3. Work on your self-esteem

To overcome the fear of abandonment we must be 100% responsible for ourselves. No one has to save us, our partners are not obligated to be responsible for us or be our only emotional providers. The love that can truly heal us is self-love. Unconditional love for ourselves.

4. Change your internal dialogue

It is forbidden to undervalue ourselves, it is no longer permissible to leave room for that anguish that brings us thoughts like we are going to be abandoned again. We must close the gap to distrust in our partner, to think that they do not love us, that if they do this or that it is because they are no longer interested in us… A calm mind lives better, a relaxed approach starts from trust, that which build stronger, more meaningful relationships.

5. Work on emotional self-sufficiency

This is a slow path that requires knowing how to observe ourselves and identify needs. Each of these voids must be healed by ourselves. It is a personal responsibility that we should not place on other people’s shoulders. It is ours and ours alone.