Honor your father and mother: meaning in the Family Constellation |

In the view of the family constellation, the place of parents is paramount. “Honor your father and mother” or “honor father and mother” are commonly said phrases that sometimes cause confusion in the way of understanding and applying. Some people, just listening to them, already discard understanding better about the family constellation because they think there is something of a dogma or religion.

Thus, it is important to clarify the real meaning and application of honoring father and mother in the systemic view, as well as understanding the importance of understanding them to allow your life to flow more lightly in all areas. Also, understanding a little of systemic laws and what the family constellation technique consists of can help put your life back in place.

Honor Your Father and Mother: Why This Phrase Is Used

When someone hears this phrase through the family constellation, even if they are not religious, they can remember the 10 Christian commandments. In case you didn’t know, one of them is “Honor Father and Mother”. This is where misinterpretations can begin.

Some assume that it was from the Catholic Bible that one of the best-known sayings on family constellations was taken. The fact is that the family constellation is a work and study of many years, with several groups using several therapeutic techniques until the systemic laws that act in the family systems were reached.

Thus, there is no definite origin for the phrase. The most important thing is the meaning. It is a more philosophical understanding than a religious one. It’s a contemplation of what these two people represent in our lives, as we only exist because they let us.

This is the fundamental understanding: life came through them and therefore deserves to be honored. Even if everything else that came after birth was quite challenging. If there is life, it is possible to resignify and do it differently. And this attitude is to honor them.

Honoring father and mother in the Family Constellation: why?

The effects of not taking or honoring father and mother can be felt in all areas of life. This is due to the systemic laws that drive family systems. There are 3 laws that, if not considered or disrespected, can have negative effects on our lives. Are they:

Law of Belonging: Everyone who is related by blood (except cousins) belongs to our system and cannot be excluded. It also refers to those to whom an existential benefit or loss was generated, which made it possible for life to continue or brought about some death or interruption. The exclusion of one of the belonging members has repercussions on future generations.
Law of order: Whoever arrived first in the system has priority and is big. Whoever comes after is small. It has nothing to do with importance, only with hierarchy and priority. Disrespect for order has effects on our place in our lives. Not taking father and mother is directly related to this law. Recognizing the order and priority of those who come before is what allows you to take what was given and move forward more freely.
Law of balance: acts in couple and social relationships. The movement is one of exchanges, where in the relationship someone gives but also receives from the other in balanced exchanges.

If life flows in all areas it is likely to be in resonance with these laws. On the other hand, problems and conflicts arise constantly when in dissonance with any of them. Therefore, the “honor your father and your mother” becomes fundamental.

Not recognizing the value of what was given to you by them can have some negative effects. The most common ones are:

constant quarrels and conflicts in a couple; not being able to find a partner person to relate to; constant problems with authority figures at work; disharmony and difficulty with children; deficiency and excessive charges with friends, etc.

Thus, being in disharmony with the law of order, which includes taking or honoring parents, makes life heavier and more conflicting in general or in some specific area.

How to Honor Father and Mother in the Family Constellation

If you’ve noticed that you have difficulties taking your parents’ love, this is the first step. After all, problems of all kinds happen and the last place people look for a solution is in their relationship with their parents. Philosophical understanding can help as long as it is internalized.

It is necessary to let go of all the criticisms, demands, complaints, judgments and faults in order to move forward. Perhaps he lacked a lot in terms of affection and welcome, but perhaps that was the maximum they were able to offer him.

Therefore, it is necessary to separate the person who is the father and mother, the man and woman with all the systemic entanglements they bring with them. They came before and already bring a whole story of blind love and invisible loyalties to their ancestors. Perhaps they are also out of order or out of place with their own parents. Realizing this is seeing parents as ordinary people while respecting their place in their existence.

To honor is not to repeat

The most important and where there is a lot of misconception: to honor is not to do the same. Many say that if the person is repeating a destiny he is honoring the parents in a negative way. But there is no way to honor in a negative way.

“Honor your father and mother” is to take love and move on. It’s positive. Even though it’s challenging, it’s light. It’s recognizing the past, perhaps with the weight it had, with the pain and wounds that were in previous generations, and honoring everything that was in the best way you can with the resources you have.

Maybe because for them it was heavy, for you it might be a little lighter, and that’s how you honor it. Rejoicing in his life and going after, as an adult, what he still needs.

Learn more about Family Constellation

Perhaps your life is not flowing in some area and it may be that some of the systemic laws mentioned are being neglected. Or you carry a lot of hurt feelings towards your parents and didn’t know how to move on. The family constellation technique can help bring light to issues that are hidden from you, or get you in touch with your own center and your place in your family system.

Family Constellation Applications

The technique can be applied in groups or individually, in person or online. You take the theme or issue that you perceive to be difficult to solve to the constellator, and you become receptive and focused on the information that will arise in the field. The method is phenomenological, so there is no way to predict what will come up, it is an observation of what works at that moment.

The morphic field works as a collective unconscious where all information is “stored” and anyone who is free of intentions can access it. Ideally, the client should be able to remain neutral and receptive, but this is not always possible due to unconscious resistance. But a good constellator must always be centered and exempt, to even accept the constellate’s resistance. It is important to look for a good professional in whom you feel confidence and empathy.

But be careful: the constellation is just a technique. She doesn’t work miracles, or fix anything for anyone. Deep down, it’s your attitude towards what you perceive and the changes you want to make. If there is already a perception of the problem and an understanding of the systemic laws and, even so, the change does not occur, perhaps it may be more efficient to work on your unconscious resistances and loyalties in a therapeutic process.

Know that your life can always flow for the better and lighter, but the main responsible that will dictate if this will happen is you!