“He’s a very good boy.” The psychological consequences of receiving these phrases during childhood

Sometimes, certain expressions used continuously by adults, with no apparent negative charge, can leave a mark on children and create harmful patterns that negatively affect them both in their childhood and in their adult life.

Adults have to discard phrases like “you are a very good child” or “you have to be a good child” and perhaps one of the most pernicious phrases that a child can receive in childhood is “you are very Well”. Today I bring the example of one of my patients, Víctor, whom this message received for years prevented him from expressing his opinions freely.

How “positive” labels mark us

Highlighting the good behavior of children with phrases such as “He’s very good, he doesn’t make noise” or “He’s the best in the class, he always does what I ask”, gives special value to the concept that adults have that ” the good child” is the one who obeys and does not bother.

These comments, as is the case today, They are not made with malicious intent or with a desire to manipulate, but they do come from a lack of knowledge about child psychology and sensitivity. For this reason, I have considered it necessary to write this article so that families pay attention to the messages they send to their children.

The danger of the “he’s a very good boy” message is that, in addition to being an arbitrarily imposed moral judgment, reinforces a unique way of being accepted by adults: behave as they want or, what is the same, obey their orders, rules, impositions, etc., without question.

Feeling valued and loved is a great reinforcer that It shapes the behavior of children throughout their childhood, Therefore, the little ones assume with this type of phrases constantly received, that they must behave well (that is, as adults want) to gain the attention of their parents, relatives or teachers.

The darkest side of this tagline is that the child, little by little, learns to unconsciously repress other attitudes that he, from his childish mind, interprets that they may not be well received by the elders. In order not to stop being “a good boy”, he will prefer to sit still rather than play something that can make noise and disturb, he will repress his opinions —if they go against what the elders think— or he will avoid making big scandals because that is not good children do.

And, in this way, he himself becomes his greatest judge. When he is an adult, he will no longer need anyone to tell him how to behave, because he will have internalized being good, silent and obedient. In addition, society will be in charge of continuing to reinforce the message that the good thing is not to protest and not to go beyond the norm.

The dangers of being “the good kid”

To exemplify this article, we can analyze the story of Víctor, a boy who went to therapy after having a revealing vision of an enormously limiting pattern in his life. In our first session, he explained to me that, every time I disagreed with someone and wanted to express it, I felt a huge lump in my throat and he had to make an enormous effort to be able to swallow and speak.

He had noticed that this was happening, not only with his boss, but also with his partner, with his friends and with his family. She felt very physically that, when her emotions struggled to express themselves, her throat blocked them and forced them to remain hidden.

At the beginning of a therapy, I always like to know the history of the person to know how to approach the work. One of the questions I always ask is “How did your parents see you? What did they say about you when you were little?

In this case, Víctor was very clear: “Everyone said he was a very good boy.” I asked him what it meant to be a good boy and he replied that his family and teachers always spoke highly of him for how well behaved he was. He was not a noisy or rowdy child, he was always willing to help and never had a bad face when the older ones asked him for something. As we have seen, the summary of being a good boy is to be submissive, quiet and obedient.

Little Víctor was a boy with a calm character and there is nothing wrong with this. However, by favoring only the moments in which the adults considered that he was behaving well and repressing the occasions in which the child protested or went against the elders, this trait of his personality was promoted above all else. .

already adult, Víctor was not capable of expressing his opinions, nor of complaining when he did not like something, nor to defend himself if they attacked him or tried to take advantage of him. He had assumed that the only valid personality trait of him was to appear, at all times, calm and collected. If any other aspect wanted to express itself, he was immediately suppressed.

How to break free of the good boy label

After 40 years of “good boy” programming, Victor began to understand the toxicity implicit in this message. Although the older ones of him did not have bad intentions when praising him, the effect that it produced on him was to prevent him from experiencing and developing other aspects of his personality.

In therapy, we work to reprogram the message of “be a good boy” and change it to “you can be yourself”.

Victor’s general character was calm and collected, but he began to allow himself to express some opinion different from others. He found that not only was nothing happening, but he felt very good about himself when he did it.

The more he practiced it, the easier it became for him to speak and the more connected he became with his own emotions and opinions. The lump in his throat was disappearing and her emotions began to flow. He no longer had to play the role of the good boy to please anyone, he could be as he wanted, at all times.