Gottman’s Four Horsemen

In couple relationships, there are many actors who determine whether it works. or, on the contrary, is doomed to failure. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, has been researching this question for years.

For a relationship to be established as solid, it has to have good foundations., strong pillars to turn to when problems arise, these based on differences. And, obviously, all people are different.

Therefore, the way of resolving differences is going to be the fundamental factor that differentiates a successful couple from one that is not successful. And, as Gottman says, The problem does not lie in the conflicts themselves, since they are common and inevitablebut in the mechanisms that are activated when they arise.

Gottman says that couples who end up separating often become trapped in negative emotions, that lead them to a self-destructive spiral, consisting of the use of harmful and ineffective communication mechanisms to solve or accept the situation they are experiencing.

These mechanisms, Gottman called them the “four horsemen predicting separation.” and they are the ones I detail below.

1. Defense attitude, the first of Gottman’s horsemen

It is an attitude in defense of what has been perceived as an attack. This attitude denies one’s own responsibility in the conflict and, therefore, does not assume its share of learning or change to solve it.

The defensive attitude, in addition, entails an attack in response to what was previously perceived as such by the partner, this can be in the form of reproach, threat, judgments… That is, “Being defensive” normally brings with it non-respectful attitudes towards the other.since he considers that it was the other who started the offensive.

With the well-known phrase “the best defense is an attack”, we begin an entire battle, where the solution to the conflict is far away, since we focus more on “defending ourselves and attacking to defend ourselves” than on assuming responsibility and in the search for solutions.

In this situation, being closed to any debate, we will not listen to reasons. In this way, it will be difficult to have a mature and coherent dialogue. Being defensive only causes problems to go unresolved and worsen.. Gottman, highlights the importance of the responsibility of each member of the couple to take charge of the situation and resolve it in the best possible way.

2. Indifference

Showing indifference is an attitude to avoid conflict. We distance ourselves and disconnect from the arguments of the other and from the other ourselves, as if I were not the problem or, at least, its solution. It is a negative strategy because it distances us from the solution again.since not seeing or assuming the problem does not fix it.

These are attitudes of silence, passive body expression, inexpressiveness, evasion, laconic answers that take refuge in ourselves, positioning ourselves above the problem and the couple, as if the conflict were not with us. I am indifferent when I ignore the problem and the other, as if I don’t care.

Indifference is a form of avoidance, a way of letting life solve the problem and not us. In this aspect, Gottman alluded again to the fact that each member of the couple is responsible for a part of the solution to the conflict. Indifference would be a way of not assuming the problem, and therefore, perpetuating it.

3. Destructive criticism

Criticism is destructive when it becomes a judgment against the person, and not towards their actions. This criticism disqualifies and attacks the otherwithout respect for his person.

It’s a disrespectful way to express disagreement. or complains about something the other person does, judging their actions through what the person being criticized is like. The terms of “if you act like this, you are like this” are confused and used, the emotional judgment, accusation and condemnation that is issued against the criticized person is very destructive.

Gottman, chooses to refer to the incorrect behavior instead of the person. For example: “I find it a little uncomfortable that you always leave your shoes in the middle, could you leave them in the shoe rack? “This way everything is more collected”. In this way we make constructive criticism of the person’s behavior or action and not of the person. Otherwise it could be something like: “Shoes are in the way again, you are messy, you always leave everything in the way, you have no choice, when will you do things right?” So, instead of attacking the person, it is better to refer to the behavior that bothers us.

4. Contempt

These are aggressive attitudes and lack of respect, which are directly expressed against the couple. It involves gestures, words, insults, threats, insults, ridicule and humiliation. that imply an attitude of superiority on the part of the one who despises.

The despised person feels inferiority and cancellation of his personbecause it is as if it were passing over her, to trample and damage the little ego that may remain intact.

These are, according to Gottman, the four attitudes that poison a couple and they can end a relationship forever.

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