Gossip mania? Talking about others says more about you than about them.

Gossip is that typical situation that everyone has gone through, but almost nobody admits if they are on the active side – that is, who actually does or participates in the gossip.

You know the trick: a few people gather around the coffee machine at work, one starts talking poorly about someone who isn’t there, and everyone jumps into conversation. Or long-time friends meet up every now and then and there’s always a moment to badmouth someone they all know but isn’t in the gang and obviously isn’t there.

Because it is something so familiar to everyone, it gives the impression that it is normal and even healthy and sociable to comment on other people’s lives and speak a little badly about others, right? Well then: it’s not normal at all.

Gossip: False attachments and lack of empathy

Clinical psychologist Kelly Tavares explains that “there is a false sense of bond created between people who gossip, since they speak softly and keep a kind of ‘secret’ between them; but, deep down, there is an enormous collective insecurity, because who can guarantee that tomorrow one of them will not be the victim of gossip?” The specialist, who provides business consultancy, says that this extends to relationships in general: “Gossipers have more difficulty building lasting friendships, as they tend to be distrustful.”

And this even spills over into the career, you know! For personal development therapist Gabriela Sayago, “when a person is involved in the act of gossiping, it increases the difficulty in having empathy and in seeking efficient forms of communication, in addition to damaging their image as a professional, bringing out an immature character. ”

But why do some people gossip?

There is no standard reason, but the experts have a common point, which Kelly summarizes: “Usually, those who speak ill of another person are trying to repress something bad they feel about themselves. Seeing flaws in someone and talking about them can give the illusion that the flaws themselves disappear.”

“It’s as if speaking ill of that life that seems perfect – and it’s not, nobody actually has the perfect life – takes away the weight of not achieving that perfection”, says Gabriela.

Simply put, in Kelly’s words: “Gossiping says more about who is talking than about the person ‘talked about’. Most of the time, those who are the subject don’t even know what’s going on and won’t care about it. It is the gossips who need to seek help with their insecurities.”

Is it gossip whenever someone is talked about?

Not necessarily. Gossip is related to badmouthing. “If the comment is positive, based on admiration or inspiration, it’s just a comment. Or if it is just an opinion without judgments, emphasizing a way of thinking, it is not reprehensible either”, opines Gabriela.

A very simple way to check whether what you’re doing is gossiping or not is to ask yourself if you would say the same thing to the person’s face and consider whether they would be outraged with you. If the answers are “yes” and “no”, rest assured: you are not gossiping.

How to avoid getting caught up in gossip

The first step to avoiding getting involved in gossip situations is to literally walk away. Arriving in the kitchen at work and there’s a buzz going on about someone? Don’t join the conversation; get your things and get out of there.

If it is not possible to go out or the occasion is different – ​​the one with friends that we mentioned at the beginning – you can try to divert the subject. Talk about a trip, a TV show, a movie, a book, a supermarket offer, anything that changes the conversation. Propose debates on concepts, ideas, events; make the environment lighter.

It may be that none of this works out and people insist on gossip. Then you have two options: really get away from it, even if it has consequences – being excluded from a “coterie” at work, for example –, or dialogue, questioning why that group insists on spending so much energy diminishing others. You don’t have to give a Sermon on the Mount, just signal that you’re not feeling comfortable. If it’s superficial relationships, they won’t like it and it’s possible they’ll move away from you. But if they are really your friends, they will be open to reflection. It’s worth taking a risk!