Everything you need to know before moving in together

Have you been spending more time at your boyfriend’s house than your own? Are you intimate enough to talk about everything? Practically every day of the week you go to bed together and don’t see the point in sleeping apart anymore?

If the answers to all the questions above are “yes”, maybe you’ve already stopped to ask yourself if it’s not time for you to “gather your things definitively” and start living together in the same home!

Currently, not a few couples make this decision to move in together before or even without performing a traditional wedding ceremony.

Célia Lima psychotherapist, specialist Personare highlights that the wedding itself – the act of signing papers and having a ceremony (whether religious or not) – is just the crowning of what has already been established. “Living together is already the marriage itself: everything is already being shared, starting with the space, going through the division of tasks and ending with the expenses”, she comments.

What happens is that many couples feel more emotionally secure if they don’t call “living together” “marriage”, as psychotherapist Célia explains. “If the experience is not good, they can separate without carrying the burden of a formal separation”, she explains.

On the other hand, continues Célia, many call this coexistence a “test”. “They think ‘let’s see if it works!’ That way, if they realize that living together is a pleasant situation, they formalize the union”, explains the professional.

When is the right time to move in together?

Of course, it is practically impossible to answer this question as each couple has their particularities. But, in general, Célia Lima believes that from the moment the “houses mix”, men and women, perhaps, can start talking about living together.

“That is, when both spend more time at each other’s house than at their own house; when they see no point in sleeping alone; when they find themselves planning to buy a piece of furniture that will accommodate both of their things; planning a trip for months from now; when they realize that together they will save more than living in separate houses… maybe this is the time to talk about living together”, exemplifies the psychotherapist.

Is it wrong to live together before marriage?

This is a common question among many couples as marriage, regardless of religion, is a very traditional act.

However, without taking into account the religious issue – which, of course, must always be respected and agreed between the couple –, nothing is “wrong” when both parties are in agreement.

“We can understand ‘living together’ as a ‘pre-marriage’. But, in fact, going through this phase is no guarantee that the relationship will last after the formal marriage. It is a period in which it is possible to establish the difference between forming a real affective partnership and ‘playing house’”, comments psychotherapist Célia.

“If the couple is mature enough to face the challenge of building a relationship, marriage will just be a natural consequence. But if it’s just an empty experiment, a game, children’s problems and disagreements will appear in a short time”, highlights the professional.

The financial side of living together

Talita Aguado, 29, a pedagogue, says that she and her boyfriend decided to move in together also to cut costs. “We both used to live alone, in the same city. We were always together, in one apartment or the other. So we came to the conclusion that the most sensible thing was for us to definitely live together,” she says.

Today, Talita says they share all the expenses. “We even make a spreadsheet in Excel. We make a forecast of expenses before the start of the month, and we deposit what is left in savings”, he explains. In Talita’s opinion, this is a good tip for couples who intend to live together.

Fernanda Prado, 27, a journalist, says that, while living with her parents, she was not so aware of how important it was to control her spending well. “Today, living with my boyfriend, I learned what it means to save… I don’t spend it on any nonsense, after all, we have to buy food for the house, water and electricity bills to pay, etc.”, she comments.

Fernanda reports that she and her boyfriend also share all the expenses. “If, for one reason or another, we are a little tighter that month, we try to save money. We stop going out for a weekend or two and then things ‘get back on track’ again. I think the secret is to have a good dialogue with your partner, then everything tends to work out,” she says.

What to consider when deciding to live together?

Célia Lima emphasizes that love is just a part of the set of things to consider when the couple decides to live together. “You have to be very realistic about the organization of the house, division of tasks, division of expenses. Talking a lot about what the couple understands by sharing their lives is essential to avoid unnecessary frustrations”, she comments.

“Who likes to cook more? Who wakes up early to make breakfast? Is it every man for himself? Are we going to have a pet or not? Much should be discussed, but everyday life reveals what needs to be adjusted… The fact is that the couple ‘learns’ from living together”, highlights psychotherapist Célia.

It is a fact that a lot changes in the life of a woman and a man from the moment they decide to live together. “If this couple was still living with their parents before they made that decision, they’re going to have to learn how to manage the home. Shopping, cooking, washing their own clothes, paying the house bills, sharing expenses, are some new situations they will come across”, recalls Célia Lima.

“If one or both of them already live alone and, therefore, already know what these responsibilities mean, they will have to prepare themselves to make concessions, to adjust their way of living to the way of living of their partner”, highlights the professional.

Legal implications of living together

Lawyer Marcelo Souza explains that, currently, two people who live together can set up a stable union. “And the Civil Code states that such behavior configures the partial community property regime. Therefore, if properly proven, everything that the couple acquired while residing together will have to be shared fifty-fifty”, he highlights.

6 important tips to follow when living together with your partner

1. Pay attention to the financial issue

Célia Lima highlights that every union needs agreements, it’s like a contract. “So it’s very practical and necessary that one of the first issues to consider is the couple’s financial situation,” she says.

“Are they both professionally stable? If they are not, it is important to have a reservation that guarantees the payment of rent and all the expenses of the house for a few months – three or four, for example. Financial problems are a trigger that can trigger a crisis in a couple still in formation”, highlights the psychotherapist.

2. Establish rules of coexistence

Célia Lima emphasizes that trying to establish rules of coexistence is quite healthy, because everything that is discussed beforehand avoids misunderstandings.

“But more important than that: there must be a willingness to comply with the agreements – which range from hanging the wet towel to taking turns with household chores. This also involves making agreements about inviting friends to visit the house, respecting each other’s individuality and visiting family members”, explains psychotherapist Célia.

3. Always be open to dialogue

Yes, it is very interesting to establish rules of coexistence, but, of course, this does not mean that agreements cannot change as needs arise. Precisely for this reason, in any relationship, dialogue is fundamental, as Célia Lima emphasizes.

4. Organize your things and donate/sell what you have the most

Coming from different houses (apartments), you are likely to have, in your new home, repeated things.

You won’t need, for example, two beds. (But if you have a guest room to put one of them in, great!) Maybe they don’t need two huge wardrobes… They probably won’t need two fridges, two stoves, not even two cheese graters, two full sets of knives. …

Anyway, it’s time to sit down and talk about what will or won’t stay in the new house! Repeated objects/furniture/items can be sold or given away.

5. Do things together

Dividing day-to-day tasks is fundamental, but it is also important that men and women do not forget to set aside a little time to do something together, indoors. How about preparing a lunch or dinner together, for example?

6. Don’t forget about romanticism

Leaving aside all the rules of coexistence, it is essential that a man and a woman never forget the good reasons that probably led them to live together. After all, love and affection for the partner cannot be forgotten!

How about preparing a romantic dinner to welcome your love home after work?! Or, simply, buy a wine for you to drink together and relax on Friday night?! Simple attitudes like these can make a difference and strengthen the union even more!