English School of Etiquette tells you what’s cool and what’s not on Whatsapp and Messenger (in 10 steps)

Escaping chat apps is almost impossible these days. Everyone works, does business, organizes life and also laughs a lot through Whatsapp groups, Messenger and social networks.

However, there are some annoying or ill-mannered habits, to say the least, in life in a virtual society. Concerned with better understanding the behavior of users and what is or is not considered good in digital communication, the Messenger application has carried out extensive global research.

To comment on the results and point out solutions to some impasses that we face daily in our electronic conversations, the London-based school of etiquette Debrett’s (with 250 years of tradition) has prepared a guide with 10 essential topics for good networking.

O awesome.com comments on these 10 commandments of chat etiquette and shows solutions for slightly more complicated cases: politely leaving a boring or useless group, for example.

If you’re chatting with long-time friends who have stories and jokes in common, it’s inevitable to make ironic comments to “lighten up” the conversation. In groups where there are people who are not very intimate, you need to be careful with this feature of humor, as not everyone understands the irony in the way you might want to convey it. To avoid misunderstandings, always try to write in a neutral and clear way.

The Messenger poll showed that 31% of Americans ask for clarification after a misinterpreted joke. The British, by contrast, overlook and ignore the joke.

Get straight to the point and clearly, especially if you don’t know the person you’re talking to very well and don’t intend to annoy them. “Good afternoon Carlos, I would like to know if we can arrange the meeting for Tuesday morning.” That’s it: in a simple, direct and polite sentence, everything that needs to be said is said.

On the other hand, being too concise and responding with just one word or using emojis shows a lack of interest in the conversation. If Carlos just answers “yes” or sends a thumbs-up emoji, he is being vague. The right answer is: “We can, on Tuesday at 11 am in my office”. Issue resolved and no one wasted time.

For more complex matters involving two or more people, Debrett’s school of etiquette suggests audio or video conferencing.

You know when it appears on the screen that we have 23 new messages in a group and we run to see what’s the hot topic of the moment? Well, of the 23 messages, 19 were from a single person, including a shower of emojis, gifs and stickers.

It’s boring, frustrating, makes people waste time and makes it difficult to understand the conversation, especially if there are a lot of people involved and an issue to be resolved.

About 37% of Messenger survey respondents consider multimessaging a serious lack of etiquette, especially if the chatterbox sends more than 10 messages at once.

Forwarding messages, audio and images from third parties is a serious offense, like a red card, unless the person who originally sent the message gives permission. “Claudinha, what a beautiful photo of Fernanda’s graduation! Can I share with my church group?”. If Claudinha does not give permission, case closed.

Half of Messenger’s global survey respondents also agree that sharing someone else’s messages without permission is grossly lacking in etiquette.

In group conversations, asking intimate questions of a member is another indiscreet without size. “So, Jô, how was the meeting with Nelson’s brother yesterday? Is he all that?” It is not necessary to comment on the lack of notion of who sends such a message in the group.

Did they invite you to the cousins’ group, the kids’ school, the condo, the yoga class? Say a polite “hello” to everyone as you enter and observe first. What subjects do those people like to talk about? Are they serious or funny? Do you usually speak the strictly necessary or do you love a good small talk with exchanges of memes and gifs? This way, you will perceive the style of the group before “arriving arriving”.

First of all, know who is in the group. Have you ever thought about making a joke about “that disheveled girl who goes to pick up her son from school every day” and then discovering that the disheveled it is in the group? In any situation, resisting gossip is a golden rule.

Another caution in group conversations is not to address someone with individual topics. Write what might be relevant to most people in the group. Instead of “Carmen, do you want to see the Joker tomorrow?”, the correct one is: “Guys, who wants to see the Joker tomorrow at the 8 pm session?” If you just want to go out with Carmen, just text her.

42% of people interviewed by the survey prefer to chat in groups of up to 6 people.

Most survey respondents find it frustrating not to get a response in chat, especially in group conversations. And it’s really annoying, it feels like we’re talking to the walls. Even answering “I don’t know” to a question when you really don’t know is considered polite by etiquette masters.

When you’re the one who has no answer, don’t take it personally. It could be that everyone is busy or having more serious problems than your question about how to make the best condensed milk pudding. If it is an important matter, please come back to it within 24 hours.

Most matters can wait, and if it really is a matter of life or death and you haven’t been given a damn, it’s time to look for a group of more supportive friends.

Responding quickly to a question is polite, but not everyone has the time to respond to all virtual requests at the same time: messages on Whatsapp and Messenger, directs on Instagram, appointments on Facebook, emails…

If the message isn’t urgent, it’s not a serious fault to respond within a few hours, say etiquette experts at Debrett’s. App push notifications, which allow us to see messages without the person who sent us knowing that we saw them, are a good strategy to filter out what is less or more important.

To those who asked and got no answer, the same rule described above: wait a day to ask again. Insisting on getting an answer puts the other person on the defensive and adds to the questioner’s reputation for being boring.

ghosting is an expression in English that comes from the word “ghost”, often used by those who frequent dating apps. You know how it is, you didn’t think that person was, like, wonderful, even more so when he came with some strange conversations… And the easiest way to solve the issue is to play a ghost and disappear forever without an answer.

Disappearing is impolite. Etiquette teachers suggest that you end the conversation with a short, polite explanation. However, this does not seem to be a very popular rule: 47% of the people interviewed already said they had been victims of ghosting and 39% admitted having transformed themselves into Gasparzinho to avoid an uninteresting conversation.

“Good morning group!!!” Who has never been annoyed by the waterfalls of animated gifs with images of glittering stars, red roses or cute kittens every morning? And the cousin who is going to get married and sends photos of absolutely all the details the decoration of the party, the dress, the clothes of the bridesmaids, the sweets, the buffet dishes? Meanwhile, your phone’s storage capacity (and your patience) running low…

This type of behavior, very popular in family groups, is hard to avoid, but you can politely take a break from the conversation by sending a friendly message just before you leave. “Dear ones, I’m really busy with my thesis defense, I need a lot of concentration and I’m going to spend time away from virtual conversations. See you soon! Love you!”. If you don’t have the courage to leave, silencing the conversation may be the solution.

If you don’t have a thesis to defend, invent a book you’re going to write, an intensive course in Zen meditation, or a sailing trip somewhere on the planet where there’s no Wi-Fi signal. If someone needs to say something really urgent or interesting, they’ll know how to find you. In case someone is offended by your temporary (or eternal) absence, patience. Your peace is more important.

It’s normal to say goodbye to the owners of the house at the end of the party, isn’t it? It should be like that in virtual conversations. Almost half of the people aged 45 to 64 interviewed by Messenger say they say goodbye to the communication apps. But only 1/3 of 18-24 year olds think it’s important to be careful.

British experts recommend ending a conversation in some succinct and gentle way. “OK, thank you very much, see you soon” or simply “see you later”. Only use emojis with those closest to you — the kiss is a classic to end a conversation.

Were our virtual etiquette tips helpful? Is there something that people do in WhatsApp groups or networks that you find annoying or rude? Tell everything in the comments!