Emotional incest syndrome: what does it consist of?

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There are children who are forced to be the emotional support of their parents, to listen to every problem or need, no matter how intimate and personal it may be. They are abusive dynamics in which children assume a role that does not belong to them.

There are many people who have reached adulthood suddenly discovering that they suffered from emotional incest syndrome. This harmful dynamic has no sexual component. It consists of becoming the caregivers’ obligatory confidant. The father or mother seeks emotional support from their children, attributing to them responsibilities that do not belong to them.

In a healthy scenario, it is always the parents who confer and provide this support to their children and not the other way around. If the adult needs to vent their problems, concerns or discomfort, it is best to do so with the partner. Also with good friends, family or a psychologist, but never with a child.

Thus, The creature that grows up exercising this distorted function ends up adopting guilt as a shadow.. On the one hand, they know they shouldn’t be taking on that role. On the other hand, they are forced to please that unhappy mother, that frustrated father, to listen to them and what is worse, to give them advice.

Almost without knowing how, they end up being their main support, when they hardly receive anything in return. Behind them are some immature adults who are unaware of the psychological cost of what they are doing.

A child will never be able to understand, let alone advise, aspects related to adult life. It is not their responsibility and they do not deserve to shoulder that burden.

Using children as confidants and as emotional support for parents is a form of psychological abuse.

Emotional incest syndrome, children who give up their needs

The range of types of abuse is wide, and not all of them leave a mark on the skin. Psychological abuse is perhaps the most common, the most perverse and the least understood. So much so, that many people do not fully understand the impact that emotional incest syndrome has on a child. There are fathers and mothers who do not hesitate to say that “my son is my best friend.”.

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Assuming this idea is a mistake with profound consequences, although at first they are invisible. Because children need their parents to assume their role and not usurp that of others, although at very specific moments they may adopt positions more typical of a friend.

Globally, the dynamics that establish one type of link and another are very different. However, there are many adults who understand the relationship with a child as symmetrical, in which a series of expectations fall on them that simply due to maturity or resources they will not be able to meet.

We understand emotional incest syndrome as a maladaptive relationship between fathers/mothers and children., in which the former turn to children to satisfy their emotional and relational needs. It should be noted that we are facing a little-researched clinical reality, and that it was described for the first time in the 90s by Dr. Patricia Love, in her book The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life (1991).

“I have you, you are my whole world. “I don’t need anyone else.”

-Example of a comment from a father or mother who practices emotional incest with their child-

How does emotional incest develop?

In emotional incest, the parent does not treat his or her child as a child, but as an equal.. He does not play the role of caregiver, since in this case the needs of the adult are prioritized exclusively. Nothing else.

The father or mother seeks the company of their child when they feel sad or alone. After an argument or problem with their partner, the adult turns to their child to vent.They share with children their worries, fears, problems… Even those as a couple or those that concern their sexual life. (In this type of case, what adults usually do is a modified account of what happens. Normally, they are adults who are little aware of the child’s limitations, but not unconscious). Likewise, they ask for their advice and opinions when it comes to to act in these problematic dimensions. Children are forced, from an early age, to act in a more mature way than their parents. This ends up annihilating his childhood.

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On the other hand, and if these dynamics were not enough, they also ask for another reality. They demand loyalty and the phrases they use can be the following: “Don’t tell mom or dad anything about what we talked about. “This is between you and me because we are good friends.”

At first, the child may feel privileged to see how his or her father or mother establishes such a close relationship with him or her. He gives her a certain sense of maturity. However, little by little, that complicity becomes a burden. They may feel discomfort and discomfort when listening to how adults reveal certain confidences that are not appropriate for their age.

What effects does emotional incest syndrome have in the short and long term?

Emotional incest syndrome leaves psychological consequences in the child. Those that he will carry into adulthood. In fact, Anadolu University developed a scale to identify this condition. The study published in 2021 offers concrete clues to identify its effects.

Effects on children

Feelings of discomfort towards oneself. Children do not feel comfortable playing this role and develop feelings of guilt and self-rejection.They feel responsible for the emotional state of the parents.Children envy the relationship that their classmates have with their parents. They suffer from not having the protection and support of mature parents.They develop anxious behaviors and sleep problems. In addition, it is easy to identify very marked mood swings in them. They have problems building solid friendships.They are very perfectionists and self-demanding.They develop low self-esteem by assuming that their needs are not important.

Effects in adulthood

Average, They have problems becoming independent from their parents. Despite reaching adulthood, it is common for them to remain linked to that parent who uses them as a confidant.They become adults oriented to please others.They have problems building solid and satisfying relationships.They put the needs of others before their own.They can develop everything from depression, eating disorders (ED), to drug or alcohol addiction behaviors.

Emotional incest occurs especially when the relationship has broken down and one of the adults uses their child as their daily support.

Emotional incest syndrome is a form of child abuse. The problem is that it is difficult to detect it and, generally, it is done in adulthood.

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How is this problem treated?

The most important thing in these cases is to become aware that one has been a victim of emotional incest. Thus, and as striking as it may seem to us, not all people are aware of it. One reaches adulthood with many problems, but that depression, or that difficulty in achieving happy relationships, is rarely related to the bond built with one’s parents.

Isn’t it supposed, after all, that nothing is as important as having a good trust and parent-child relationship? The truth is that yes, but everything has a limit, and The limit is that the adult cannot talk about everything with his child, nor should he burden him with responsibilities that do not correspond to him..

In these cases, psychological therapy will be necessary. Also reformulate that father/mother-child bond if it is present and continues with the same dynamic. We are facing a type of trauma that needs to be healed, also enabling the person in healthier relational habits, strengthening self-esteem and identity.