Does your son fight all the time with his father?

He’s 15 years old and he can’t have a civil conversation with his father. The atmosphere at home is so tense that they make me the carrier pigeon when we need to say something important to each other. I’m afraid they’ll get caught. What can I do to avoid this? (Question submitted by reader)

Culturally, the father represents authority in the family. That alone is enough for teenagers between the ages of 12 and 15 to dedicate a special effort to fighting it. From one moment to the next, he becomes a being who does everything wrong, worthy only of looks of contempt. Despite this bombardment, the truth is that, at this stage, the father figure gains an importance equivalent to that of the mother during childhood.

In the traditional family model, while she is concerned with present conditions (if the child ate, who his friends are), the father focuses on the future, questioning whether the youngster is prepared to face challenges.
In childhood, identity is based on the perception of one’s own body and the connection with the family – ask the child who he is, and the answer will be: “I am the son of so-and-so”. From adolescence, the child ceases to see himself as an extension of the parents. He realizes that his ideas, feelings and attitudes are unique and individual. Also his body changes very quickly. So, suddenly, the two main references he had about himself are no longer enough to define who he is. The famous identity crisis comes, accompanied by a hormonal revolution that brings unknown sensations and favors the increase of aggressiveness. Then begins an effort to assert this newfound individuality—which usually involves a measure of parental opposition.

If the father is able to give up the position of command to adopt that of advisor, it can be the beginning of a very beautiful relationship. It turns out that for a large number of men, it seems inconceivable to have their authority questioned. In response, some teens submit, but others start acting up. Again, it is up to the adult to work around conflicts. He is the one who has (or should have) the necessary maturity to understand the situation and take the first step towards dialogue. Opening the heart is the way out to rekindle a relationship that is very important for the development of the young person.

The mother also has a role in this change: showing her husband the points in which he is being intransigent and convincing his son that no one there has a vocation to be a monster. When none of that works and a climate of indifference sets in, family therapy is needed. The breakup of the affection relationship can hardly be reversed without specialized help. And the damage is incalculable for the teenager, who is deprived of healthy interaction with the most important model for building a full adult life.

Source: Miguel Ângelo Perosa, clinical psychologist, professor of psychology of adolescence at Puc-Sp and author of the book Discovering Yourself: The Passage to Adolescence (expected to be republished this year).