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When Isadora*, 31 years old, a personal stylist from Ribeirão Preto (SP), was in her final year at school, she always saddened with comments from a friend. “Not only her but also her family did bad jokes about my appearance. As I have dark skin, her mother loved to point me out saying: ‘Look at my daughter’s maid!’.”
Today the case would be denounced in a police station like racism🇧🇷 But at the time, Isadora was a girl and just complained. “My friend said I was exaggeratedtoo sensitive or just plain annoying,” she recalls.
“We grew up and she continued with the criticism. Had need to take mine weaknesses“, account. “I kept repeating that nobody liked me, that I didn’t know how my boyfriend, who was so nice, could put up with me. I went happy to find her and came back badly.”
For the therapist Akim Rohula Neto, from Curitiba, author of the book Drop Therapy (Art & Lyrics), try diminish the other is a common attitude in calls toxic relationships, be they between friends, relatives or loving partners. If one tends to despise the other or not happy with that person’s achievements, of course this will be harmful.
In addition to ridicule and disdain, there may be lies🇧🇷 offenses and manipulations🇧🇷 In more acute situations, disrespect is amplified and reaches the Physical violence🇧🇷 Therefore, the interviewed specialists agree in admitting “degrees of toxicity🇧🇷
Read more: These reports will help you identify if you are in an abusive relationship.
You abusive relationships and those involving people with severe disorders would be at the extreme of very turbulent practices. In the middle of the spectrum are the relationships that, if workedtend to become more harmonious.
“Think: ‘I don’t like who I am when I’m with that person’ indicates that the relationship is toxic to some degree”, warns psychologist Joana Singer, from São Paulo.
There are couples formed by aggressors and assaulted in a dynamic in which the roles alternate. In cases like this, psychoanalyst João Felipe Domiciano, from São Paulo, considers living together as biotoxic🇧🇷 “I’ve seen patients with marriages like this,” he says.
“More often, however, one part is active on offense and the other in passivity, always suffering oppressive actions. The second is the one that comes to the office.”
the person who feels hurt questions must be asked: “Why did I decide to continue in this relationship that is bad for me? What am I looking for here? Is it possible to anchor the exchange on more harmonious bases? I can improve the relationship reducing contact or is separation the only way out?
DIFFICULT ANALYSIS
Before we classify a relation as toxicremember that any interaction between two people is complex🇧🇷 none will be balanced all the time nor will it always involve human beings sensible🇧🇷
“The important thing is to resort to the call emotional stock”, recommends Rohula Neto. “Observe whether it is positive to think about your partner. If you are affectionate, you feel good in your presence. When that causes tension, there is a problem. could be something one-off or more rooted🇧🇷
Domitian agrees. For him, the presence of Suffering signals that the process is toxic. But there are also issues of individualism and intolerance. Domitian defends the need for a self analysis to investigate whether the relationship carries abusive characteristics or if you are the one who does not accept when the other does not meet your expectations.
“Today, society has lost the notion of how to live without being based on violence”, points out. “It is as if it were no longer possible to find differences that build🇧🇷 The ideal would be to learn to deal with them better.”
It’s not always easy to determine whether it’s worth talking about the person’s attitudes or whether it’s a case of seeing that you should be more understanding. That can be a trap also. Someone who has been hurt by their partner’s attitudes may end blaming yourself by crises, as if I were entirely responsible for the way things have worked out.
It was necessary to feel disrespected many times so that Julia Metzker, a stylist from Minas Gerais, 24, would realize that her relationship was not good for her. “Without working and without studying, the guy did not support me professionally and stayed bothered with my achievements, from graduation to jobs and opportunities,” she says.
Read more: 7 attitudes that make a couple’s relationship work
“Anything that meant recognition or growth offended”, reports. “I believed that he was a calm and evolved person, while I was the nervous and crazy one of the couple”, recalls Julia, who remained in the relationship for six years.
When family and friends no longer disguised their objections her partner, she began to notice the aspects that bothered in his behavior and began to charge changes🇧🇷 “But that only increased the wearbecause he would not put himself in my place and victimized himself saying I didn’t care about him. I finished, and it was the best thing I ever did. After that, my life went on.”
take for yourself the responsibility of caring for peace together does not solve. Blaming the other for all the bad things, neither. “It is necessary to evaluate not the roles of villain and good guy, but the dynamics”, says Rohula Neto.
“The abuser probably acts this way because have already been abused, but your pains cannot justify your attitudes.” The abused person, he recalls, must understand what kind of interaction he has in the pair and how he feeds the negative behavior of the partner. That way, you won’t repeat the process with someone else. the beginning of changereinforces Rohula Neto, it is for self-evaluation🇧🇷
In Singer’s view, toxicity independent who is the culprit or the victim. “If living together is bad for you, it harms your ability to feel pleasure and to show what is best and it is undermining your health, you need to reflect on yourself🇧🇷 And not pointing out the mistakes of others.” The focus is on you.
To outsiders, it may seem incomprehensible that the person has been suffering and enduring disrespect for years. Relationships involve affections🇧🇷 In addition to love, there may be emotional or even material dependence, among other possibilities.
“There are components of human relationships that we cannot fully describe🇧🇷 Due to a series of conscious and unconscious factors, one remains in that painful situation”, ponders Domitiano. So it’s better than the word fault stay away.
more productive is to evaluate the route that took you there and what is possible to do to grow up🇧🇷 It helps to know that breaking up is not always necessary. For experts, the toxicity can transform into something healthy.
FROM HERE YOU DON’T PASS
The first measure is established Limits🇧🇷 “You have to find the right point for the other person and for yourself, make agreements and, most importantly, see if the person cares about it,” says Rio de Janeiro psychiatrist Ana Beatriz Barbosa Silva, author of bestsellers such as Dangerous Minds and Hearts Uncontrolled (Fontanar).
“Has to be honest with yourself and analyze whether the other manifests regret honestoperates changes real attitude and demonstrate sensitivity to your feelings.”
Known for talking about psychopathy, Silva emphasizes the importance of remorse🇧🇷 “In a simplified way, the psychopath is the one who never regrets his actions. If there is remorse, there is treatment ”, he summarizes.
But our society, according to the psychiatrist, strongly encourages indifference that some people, even if they are not genuinely psychopaths, end up showing brain changes characteristic of this disorder. In these cases, does not exist hope for behavior change.
However, if it seems possible turn the tables, make it clear how far you can participate in it. “It’s like, ‘I love you, but I don’t love what you’re doing,’” Singer explains.
“In the case of children who do not respect parents, for example, it is essential to offer them security and support, but also to say ‘I don’t like this’ or ‘I don’t accept that’. This only happens when parents are very clear about what they accept or do not tolerate.”
The same goes for all the other relationships. And, in all of them, change goes through self knowledge🇧🇷 You identify the actions that hurt you and will not longer allow them to repeat🇧🇷 What “jokes” do you no longer want to put up with? If the other is somehow committed to the health of the relationship, the tendency is that, with the limitsthe frequency of offensive comments and aggression decline🇧🇷
Read more: Operation: End the relationship
INSIDE THE POSSIBLE
Decrease contact is usually an interesting alternative in some types of relationships. “A good relationship is one thing; the other, the proximity”, recalls Rohula Neto. “Sometimes one feels guilty for promoting distance, as if that meant you don’t love the other, but it’s important to work on this issue”, he advises.
“Who has toxic parents, for example, often have a healthier relationship when they reduce visits and make shorter phone calls.” It was the way out found by Rio de Janeiro make-up artist Letícia*, 27, who started to see her mother less to make the meetings minimally pleasant🇧🇷
“She was always very criticism with me, and that had everything to do with the problems, like depression and eating disorder, that I developed”, he says. Letícia says that her mother never supports their choices, such as their profession, and the two fight for a variety of reasons.
“She has the difficulties her and I don’t think it’s one toxic person🇧🇷 No doubt, though, our relationship is. Today, realizing that being with her awakens in me bad feelingsI manage to walk away a little without feeling guilty.”
Isadora, the personal stylist at the beginning of the report, made a similar choice when living with her friend. Despite the problems, she still enjoys pleasant moments with the class in common. “I no longer go out alone with her, but in a group.”
It also helps to question whether, in that relationship, certain topics should be avoided🇧🇷 “For example, if the son has been stressed for 30 years with the same comment from his parents, why insist on that conversation? If your mother is the type who condemns you when you bring her something new, why rush to talk about a job promotion?”, asks Domitiano.
“Either you don’t tell or you talk without giving too many details. You can also do an exercise to abstract the criticism🇧🇷 According to the psychoanalyst, however, if the other is abusive and neither conversations nor limits have resulted in an indication of changes, it is necessary to decide whether it is really worth it. continue in the relationship🇧🇷
Perhaps, within everyone who faces toxic coexistence, there is the hope that the other “wakes up” – and the coexistence becomes very close, happy and healthy. But it is essential to operate with an eye on the reality of that pair. AND seek improvements within what is possible.
*Names changed at the request of the interviewees
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