Do you know what avoidant attachment is?

Attachment is an emotional bond that is formed in the early stages of our lives with the people who care for us.. This bond can significantly influence the way we relate to others in adulthood.

Attachment theory developed by John Bowlby and Mary Dinsmore Ainsworth identifies three types of attachment: secure, ambivalent or resistant, and avoidant. In this article we will focus on avoidant attachment, its types and effects in adult life, as well as ways to overcome it.

What is attachment?

It’s an emotional bond strait that is forged with the people who care for us and give us security. in his book Affective bonds: formation, development and loss, Bowlby points out that attachment behaviors allow us to achieve or maintain proximity with another individual.

In the early stages of our lives we completely depend on the protection of the people around us to survive. In this sense, attachment is formed in an acquired way, as a guarantee or survival insurance, but at the same time it greatly marks the character of the first relationships.

When the adults who care for us play their role well, we are most likely to develop a secure type of attachment, regardless of our temperament. We depend on each other, but this does not give rise to any feelings of anxiety or frustration. On the contrary, When we are neglected, or rejected, we are most likely to form bonds insecure attachment. This is a form of dependence loaded with anguish and ambivalence.

The way in which these unions are forged in the first years of life, It will greatly influence our emotions and how we handle them with others, unless we make a conscious intervention in this sense. Thus, we can say that such links leave a very deep, almost indelible mark.

Therefore, the behaviors that are observed in adulthood respond to the attachment style that each person established in their childhood. In some way, the first relationships of family coexistence already mark a path in the adult’s interpersonal relationships.

attachment theory

John Bowlby, English psychoanalyst, became interested in the topic of attachment and developed a theory about it. From his observations, he was able to establish that all we have a phylogenetic predisposition to develop links. These are directed at the people who provide us with protection and security or, failing that, who should provide it to us.

Later, psychologist Mary Dinsmore Ainsworth identified three types of attachment. These are: secure attachment, ambivalent or resistant attachment, and avoidant attachment.. According to his research, most people develop the first type, but there are also a good number of individuals who fall into the other two.

Secure attachment allows us to build close and spontaneous emotional bonds. The insecure ones (the ambivalent and the avoidant) give rise to strong repressions and difficulties in building bonds of intimacy with others.

Avoidant attachment: definition, types and origin

It is a behavior characterized by emotional distancing and lack of close or intimate contact. Avoidant children avoid proximity to their parents and when they are close to them they limit emotional approach, as a way to protect themselves from rejection.

This attachment develops as a consequence of rejection, indifference and lack of emotional availability of caregivers. If they ignore the child and despise his attempts to obtain emotional contact, protection and support, the child will learn to avoid these types of approaches and will only trust himself to meet his needs.

Types of avoidant attachment

In the book The post-rationalist cognitive model, Vittorio Guidano develops three subcategories and describes how each one is configured. Below, we will detail them, taking into account this author’s approach.

inhibited avoidants

Children with this avoidant attachment subtype They tend to isolate themselves, avoid contact with parents and do not express their internal states. They hide their anguish very well and convey the impression that everything is fine, that they have no urgency or emotional need.

This attachment develops as a consequence of direct parental rejection. when the child asks for help or expresses his problems and needs. However, his caregivers accept him when he does not cause any problems. Rejection is the typical response of these caregivers, especially when the child has a difficulty.

Compulsive caregivers

As their name indicates, they are children who They assume the role of taking care of their parents, of taking care of them with attention and physical care. As Guidano points out: “what characterizes compulsive caregivers is that they take the responsibility of interesting the parents, of stimulating them so that they feel motivated to interact with them.”

In this case, the parents are indifferent. That is why children take the task of using their resources or cognitive skills to impress them and motivate them to interact with them, thus controlling proximity and indifference. The child has to earn attention.

Compulsive pleasers

The central characteristic of people with this avoidant attachment subtype is that They never express what they feel. They are children who, in most cases, agree with their parents and are attentive to what they do to anticipate them. They are constantly seeking to correspond to the expectations of their caregivers.

This attachment emerges as a consequence of parental rejection. However, this disregard is different from that of caregivers of inhibited avoidant children. In the case of compulsives, Parental figures only reject the child when he or she does not behave according to expectations. The child only receives recognition when he conforms to what is expected.

Effects of avoidant attachment and ways to overcome it

The effects of avoidant attachment extend into adulthood. Children who have grown up under these patterns They become adults who find it difficult to express their emotions, but also to feel and identify them. They try to distance themselves emotionally from everything and everyone. They can be indolent towards others and very indifferent to their own feelings.

This situation is reflected in the couple’s world. An article in Current opinion in psychology points out that in romantic relationships, Avoidant people strive to maintain their independence, control and autonomy, since they think that emotional closeness is not desirable or possible.

Likewise, They tend to feel very uncomfortable with proximity, contact, and emotional intimacy.. As a consequence of these sensations and beliefs, they use deactivation or distancing coping strategies in which they suppress their emotions, with the aim of promoting their autonomy.

Although attachment patterns tend to be maintained, it is always possible to moderate and polish them.. Sometimes, an experience of losing one of those beloved figures prompts reflections and changes in this regard. Sometimes it is achieved through psychotherapy. It is also possible to become aware of this and work individually to learn to relate to the world in a more constructive way.

Looking inside

Overcoming avoidant attachment involves restoring the relationship that exists between the person and their interior. In many cases it focuses on recovering a very damaged self-esteem that causes unidentified emotional pain. Only when this relationship heals is it possible for the person to consider the inside of the people around them. Thus, as when one practices one’s own emotions, empathy for others is born.

In that sense, it is very important to change communication patterns. Open them, both for good and bad experiences, so that there can be a controlled expression of emotions, and that others have the opportunity to accept them, validate them and, in some cases, accompany them.

Said like this it sounds very easy, but if learning is difficult, unlearning what has been learned is even more difficult.. Think that the knowledge we acquire in childhood is the basis on which we have been building the rest of the habits that characterize us today. Hence, in many cases the help of a professional is highly recommended.

What do the latest scientific studies say?

In research published in the journal Clinic and Health in 2014, where evaluated the attachment style and psychopathological symptoms in a sample of adolescents who had suffered family abuse, it was found that two out of three had insecure attachment (67.5%) and of these, 37.5% had insecure avoidant attachment.. However, in the population without domestic violence, two out of three had secure attachment.

The results showed that abuse in the family is related to developing an insecure-avoidant attachment. As the authors point out: «domestic abuse would imply a greater risk of difficulties establishing a self-concept and a vision of others that allow us to adequately regulate emotions and establish relationships of trust, thus minimizing vulnerability to suffering psychopathological difficulties.

Conclusion

Avoidant attachment is a type of emotional attachment that forms in childhood and can have lasting effects on life and relationships. Although it can protect people from possible rejection or emotional hurt, it also It can limit your ability to form healthy, satisfying relationships.

There are effective strategies to overcome avoidant attachment, such as therapy and practicing social and emotional skills. Furthermore, it is important to keep in mind that family abuse can be a determining factor in the development of an insecure-avoidant attachment, so It is essential to prevent and address these types of situations to foster healthy and safe relationships from childhood.

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