Do you give too much in relationships? |

A few months ago I received an e-mail from someone in an (almost) complaining tone: you never heard from me again, I miss your messages. I stopped to reflect on that charge that came precisely from those who got used to me some time ago by taking the initiative to always look for it – but who, in the face of my absence, got upset.

Immediately, I remembered the phrase (of unknown authorship) received from another friend (this, yes, constant and loving presence in my life even though I live in a different country from mine): “I am exactly where I should be. If you can’t find me it’s because you’re not looking in the right place or you’re not really looking. Life is a two-way street.”

It’s at least interesting to realize that some people charge you to receive affection, but are the first to not make an effort to offer it too. They want your attention, your affection, but they don’t leave their comfort zone to give you a caress or attention.

Keep the bonds of affection up to date

“Why don’t you email me anymore?” asks the person who never writes to hear from you. “I miss your calls”, says those who don’t remember calling just to say hello. “People are more and more closed”, complains those who don’t realize that they live inside their own shell, only involved by life itself.

Lack of time is an excuse for those who don’t want to leave their comfort zone. In a world where digital communication and the cell phone prevail, it’s hard not to imagine three minutes left over in a 24-hour day to keep the bonds of affection always up to date.

Any relationship is a two-way street. It does not cover what you yourself are not able to offer. As Gilberto Gil would say: “love is like the rose in the garden, we take care of it, we look at it, we let the sun shine, to grow, to grow!”

avoid frustrations

In this case, then, the maxim “It is given that you receive” makes sense. However, it is important to note that it is also necessary to understand what each person can offer, without creating false expectations that can lead to frustration. Once this is done, feel free and without guilt to keep the people who really make sense in your life close to you.

Of course, nobody is going to write down “I called three times, sent seven emails, sent a Christmas card, remembered the birthday” and demand an equal performance from whoever it is. That nice person who is important in your life keeps forgetting important dates for you but, on the other hand, is also a very loving friend who vibrates with your achievements, spends the night at your bedside if you get sick or shows up with your chocolate unexpected favorite.

A relationship in which one gives a lot and the other a little, has only one result: imbalance.

A relationship in which one gives a lot and the other a little, has only one result: imbalance.

Even if the first is a natural giver, there will come a time when he too will want to be pampered in some way. The imbalance arises when the other does not remember anything to show the affection he feels for you, despite willingly accepting all your demonstrations of friendship or love.

You have to respect your desire to also want to be loved or heard or helped or cherished. Life is a beautiful and intense journey and the right people will show up to celebrate this journey with you in a way that everyone can be happy and satisfied.

Rethink your attitudes

If in a relationship you are feeling drained or tired of donating so much, it’s time to rethink whether it’s worth so much effort to keep it. A person who really wants to maintain a healthy, positive, deep and loving relationship with you will also be willing to show this affection.

After all, who said you always have to donate until you empty and feel this emptiness? This, in fact, is a warning sign, a result of despising oneself in order to always be available to others. You’re not doing your best if you’re forever putting your own needs aside in order to please someone else.

You’re not doing your best if you’re forever putting your own needs aside in order to please someone else.

And a great way to find your balance again is to practice self-love.

Those who live with me know that I love to show my affection and I can easily make it reach wherever the person is. The resources are so many and so delicious: phone calls, colorful cards, surprise gifts sent by post, flowers, books or chocolates bought online, emails. I love and feel great pleasure in doing this.

But it’s been a while since I realized and assumed to myself that I also love the opposite way: being remembered fondly by someone. Not in an exchange made through the same coin but with the intensity with which the most perfect relationship is established: heart to heart.

And I close with more verses from the same song by Gil:

The rose of love will not fall apart, for those who take good care of the rose, for those who know how to cultivate it.

Get to know the book Para que o Amor Happen and understand how certain attitudes influence your love life.