Depression is not sadness. Please stop telling me to choose happiness

I know you love me. I know you want me to feel better and that you can imagine how much I don’t feel this way. I know depression is complicated, messy and dark. I know it’s hard to know how to help someone who is in agony, but there is one thing that is absolutely certain:

Telling me to “choose happiness” or “focus on positive thoughts” is not, and never will be, good advice. In fact, it is harmful and only makes the situation worse.

Depression just doesn’t work that way. You may not want to automatically produce serotonin or dopamine out of thin air.

You cannot drive bad thoughts out of your mind by simply asking them to leave because positivity makes you think about changing.

No!

SEE TOO:

• 5 simple ways to prevent DEPRESSION

The problem is that depression is an illness. Just as someone with diabetes cannot tell their pancreas to start secreting insulin, they cannot ask their mind to stop being depressed. Because you can’t, not without treatment.

It’s also important to note that “choosing happiness” is bullshit advice because depression is not sadness. When someone is sad, words like this are often said to “cheer up”, since happiness is considered the opposite of sadness.

Depression is also hopelessness. She makes you feel completely alone and finds it difficult to even get out of bed. With you having trouble brushing your teeth or taking a shower. It’s a wave of tears you can’t stop.

Sometimes it’s not just about tears, because you’re so numb and apathetic that the things around you don’t even seem to have any value.

SEE TOO:

• 5 MYTHS ABOUT DEPRESSION THAT SHOULD BE DEPRESSED IMMEDIATELY

You feel exhausted constantly even after sleeping for 10 hours straight. It causes you to eat too much or too little. This affects your social and emotional life.

Everything is a pain. Both physical and emotional.

So, instead of giving advice you find on the internet to a person with depression, encourage them to get treatment. If she doesn’t have the courage to call to make the first appointment, do it for her!

Ask her if she remembered to take her medication and make it very clear that there’s no shame in opening up to you when she needs it most. And always be around when that happens!

Ask her about the results of the treatment and let her know that you love her no matter what. Let her know that what she is going through is real and clear and needs support and treatment.

And also help her to get out of her comfort zone, to try to socialize again, even if it sometimes seems practically impossible. Sometimes the weight of depression is too much and it makes you fragile.

SEE TOO:

• How to love someone who has DEPRESSION

And on those days when it’s too much for her, instead of asking her to “focus on the positives,” say:

“I’m sorry, I can see you’re feeling down. I can’t even imagine what depression is like, but I can see and hear how sick you are. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to make you better at least a little bit.”

So please, for God’s sake, stop telling people with depression that what they need to do is “think more positive thoughts.” It’s not that simple. This also contributes to the stigma for which people do not seek treatment.

After all, if they could find their way out on their own, why would they ask for help?