I am grateful for the way the Lord can handle when I have doubts.

Because I’ll be honest… the truth is, most days I feel like a complete failure. I do everything I shouldn’t do, and I don’t even do 10% of the things I should do. I don’t talk to you all the time; usually when things are getting really difficult is when you listen to me the most.

However, something I don’t like to admit, something that lurks beneath all the typical struggles Christians tend to face on a day-to-day basis, is the fact that I sometimes have doubts.

I have a lot of them, on my worst days.

Even on my good days, they insist on showing up. I wonder if you are listening to me. If I’m being insane, by trusting someone I can’t see, who I can’t always focus on or adequately explain what I’m feeling. I wonder if when I pray, if it really makes a difference – or if my voice just disappears into the atmosphere, joining an endless chorus of background noise and desperate screams waiting for something to happen.

SEE TOO:

When you feel alone, talk to God

And when I feel that way, when I finally admit to myself that I have questions that don’t always have answers, and that I’m not sure how I feel about them, guilt hits me like a train. Wave after wave of overwhelming statements appear: “You must never doubt Him, look at all He has already done for you!”, “You were raised in the church, you shouldn’t even have to ask yourself”, “Look at him, look at her, they are deeply connected to God and have no doubt about it!”

Read Also: 12 signs of an abusive relationship. RUN while there's still time!

And then I take a breath and tuck them into the back of my mind, until next time. I feel guilty. But I forget that, at least momentarily. I repeat. And to be honest, it’s tiring.

And then I remember Who I’m talking about.

From you, who’s been big enough to get me through some of the most insurmountable situations I’ve ever faced. Who created universes and set the world in motion, who spoke and things came to be. Who never walked away from me, no matter how far I ran.

And if I can recognize these things, if I can step back and realize that YOU are capable and have done such great things, then how can I not think that the Lord could help me when I have doubts? To listen to me as I vent my frustrations, confusion, and even questions about everything I’ve believed in? Haven’t you done even crazier things, bolder things than that?

The Lord knows I have a curious mind and an anxious heart. You know I act before I even plan. Only the Lord knows that I am always trying to find all possible solutions for any situation I face. The Lord created me. The Lord knows me.

So all this: my doubts, my fears, my confusions, are no surprise to you. I know the Lord was honestly waiting for this.

So I know it’s okay if I tell you exactly what’s on my mind. The Lord is not embarrassed. Nor ever offended. The Lord will not shame me for not always understanding or questioning things. The Lord is big enough to handle that, and it’s okay to let you take the brunt of my stuff for a while.

Read Also: the-bed-seems-exaggerated-without-it-I fell in love

Because I often worry, right?! However, I can’t take it all. I can’t always pretend that I’m confident about moving forward on this journey, when in fact I have doubts about the last three things I’ve done. I can’t keep smiling until my face hurts on Sunday mornings pretending I’m on the same level as everyone else, because I know I’m not.

However, knowing that the Lord already knows all this and still loves me is one of the most comforting things in the world.

So I’m probably going to yell stuff and I’m going to ask you dozens of questions. I’m going to be angry, I’m going to get hurt, I’m going to be completely and utterly broken in a way that I can’t do with anyone else.

And I thank you for knowing how to deal with it, even when I know I can’t.