Deactivation strategies in avoidant attachment: what are they and what function do they serve?

By entering into a relationship we hope to create emotional intimacy, frequent contact and build a future project together. But if all these goals are distressing, Should we sabotage the relationship and stop its progress? This paradoxical situation occurs in people with avoidant attachment and the steps to the detriment of the bond are called deactivation strategies.

Living with someone like this means facing their disconcerting behaviors: one day he shows love and enthusiasm and the other day he shows coldness and distance; She says she doesn’t want a commitment, but moves forward. She seems to be happy in the relationship and, from one moment to the next, she clings to any detail to end it. So what’s up? We tell you.

What do deactivation strategies look like?

According to a work published in PLOS ONEdeactivation strategies They are tactics or maneuvers that the person implements to stop that natural impulse to bond. The normal course of an emotional relationship involves learning to be interdependent with the other, seeking comfort and consolation in them and creating an increasingly greater emotional approach.

Since these situations generate great anguish, fear or displeasure, they try to appease themselves by different means such as the following:

Getting involved in relationships with people who are not available: for example, married or living at a distance.Consider minimal details of the other person as a defect: This is how they make romantic or emotional feelings lose intensity.Avoid opening up emotionally with the other person: They do not share emotions and are not vulnerable, since in this way they feel independent.Flirting with others while in a relationship: or they still think about their previous partners. Again, this is a way to sabotage the bond and not let that emotional closeness grow with the current partner.Avoid conversations that involve feelings: They evade them or try to stay on a more superficial level, they avoid conflicts and withdraw when they appear, as an article in Frontiers in Psychology.Refuse to make a commitment directly and clearly: Even if your actions are in line with progress in the relationship, the refusal to make a commitment ensures a loophole of freedom to which you can turn when your fears arise.Put distance: It happens just when there is greater emotional closeness and a relationship feels more comfortable or involved. This distance can be physical (stopping seeing the person or not responding to their messages) or psychological (being colder and more distant in their communication).

Why do deactivation strategies arise in avoidant attachment?

The basis of these strange behaviors is found in the attachment style. This is defined as the bond established between the baby or infant and his or her primary caregivers during the first years of life. Based on how adults respond to the child’s needs, he learns to create an image of himself, others, and the world.

Those who develop an avoidant attachment do so because their caregivers did not respond to their demands. Perhaps they let the child cry instead of comforting him or even acting hostile and irritated by his crying. Later, it is likely that instead of welcoming his emotions (of fear, anger, or sadness), they called him weak, belittled his feelings, or scolded him for expressing himself.

The conclusion that this child reaches is that he will not receive help, support or understanding from others when he needs it and that it is not safe to feel or express it. Definitely, understands that it is not reliable to bond with others or expect something from them, because he received rejection in this regard. He thus becomes a hyper-independent person and incapable of showing himself vulnerable to another human being.

Address Avoidant Attachment to Heal Relationships

A relationship with a person with avoidant or avoidant attachment devastates self-esteem and mental health, especially if you have an anxious attachment. Insecurity, uncertainty and feelings of rejection will be present and your needs for communication or physical or emotional closeness may not be met appropriately. It is also difficult to meet your partner’s needs.

On the contrary, If you are the person with avoidant attachment, you may experience dissatisfaction in your relationships.. And, despite the fear, anguish or displeasure that a deep connection with another may cause you, perhaps you do want to achieve it. This contradiction prevents creating or sustaining a solid relationship and generates certain suffering and isolation.

To reverse this trend, it is important to understand what you apply deactivation strategies and why you do it. Accepting your fear of connecting with others is the first step to overcoming it. It is very positive to seek professional support, work on communication, trust and interdependence. Moving towards a secure attachment is possible.

You might be interested…