Couples who met virtually talk about their happy endings

Perhaps most readers have never heard of footing🇧🇷 but that’s how it was flirted in the 1950s. The girls paraded up and down avenues and squares, showing off their slender bodies marked by thin waists, until the suitor sent signs of interest, such as a wink. The shyest ones didn’t risk holding hands on the first date, at least until they were settled in comfortable armchairs in the dark of the cinema.

Over the past six decades, the affair has undergone several changes, mainly due to the emergence of contraceptive pill, in 1960, and its consequent sexual revolution. Subsequently, the discussion on the subject gained more space after the main icon of feminist movements, the French writer Simone de Beauvoirquestion the taboo of virginity. In the 1980s, this process suffered a setback with the appearance of AIDS, a disease then surrounded by numerous prejudices, which curbed the libido.

With the entry into the virtual era, in the 1990s, the first relationship websites🇧🇷 They established a new behavioral wave, with its own vocabulary, in which the verb “stay”, for example, it defined the character of more ephemeral relationships.

Read more: 7 attitudes that make a couple’s relationship work

The invention of Tinderin 2012, and other similar applications such as ok cupid, caused even more of a stir in the way couples relate to each other. And it will increase with the arrival of Dating, from Facebook, coming soon. Today, Tinder already has more than 50 million users, with a fifth of them in Brazil.

American researchers who have been studying the subject for a few decades have confirmed what everyone imagined: the internet is changing the nature of dating again🇧🇷 Couples who meet online tend to establish more lasting, stable and sincere relationships🇧🇷 In addition, in virtual contacts, people seem more open to finding partners who would probably not be part of their usual circles, giving greater diversity to relationships.

HONESTY

With the countless possibilities of encounters in this virtual arithmetic, some uncertainties arise in the search for a romantic partner, mainly in relation to honesty. “Is the guy stringing me along? Is he seeing someone else through the same app? Is he sincere about his personal life?”

Ornella Grillo, businesswoman, 24, confesses that she famously googled the name of Gabriel Oriani, 28, a research analyst, when she met him on Tinder two years ago. She accessed photos and information about him on Instagram and Facebook to try to find out more about the boy before moving on with the conversations. “I fucked everything up,” she says. From the photos and posts, she concluded, it was someone connected to the family. Even so, Ornella decided to leave the address of the restaurant where she would meet Gabriel for the first time with her father.

According to her, they drank wine and did not go beyond the initial kisses. Ornella felt confidence in him. “He was very quiet,” she says. It worked so well that today her father, separated from Ornella’s mother since she was little, flirts on Tinder.

Contrary to what one might hastily conclude, couples who match – the period in which they introduce themselves and exchange messages before making eye contact in person – are usually sincere, as revealed by research recently released by American communication professors Jeffrey Hancock, from the Stanford Universityand Dave Markowitz of University of Oregon🇧🇷

According to scholars, only 7% of dating site participants engage in lies🇧🇷 And most of the fibs – like “I’m on my way”, when the person isn’t even ready to go out yet, or “you’re cute”, when it’s not exactly what the netizen thinks about the guy – are considered harmless.

To arrive at these results on peer honesty, the teachers collected more than 3,000 messages sent by 200 people during the match. They concluded that, in general, white lies are polite, to mislead the suitor when it comes to engaging in a conversation or leaving it.

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Virtual flirting has become so commonplace in the United States that a third of marriages in American society come from these encounters. In Brazil, the trend is no different. One of the reasons for the success of these applications is that it has become much simpler and more practical to find someone on the computer, which can even be done in pajamas and slippers.

Starting to date in a ballad requires time and disposition. This was not in the plans of Andrea Gouveia, businesswoman, 44, when, two years ago, she met her current husband, Everaldo Reys, 44. “I lacked the energy and patience to get ready to go out. Besides, I had no one to leave the children with”, she says, referring to her children Rafael, now 14, and Luisa, 10.

At the time, Andrea, separated for six months, opted for Tinder to venture into a romance. Owner of a children’s clothing brand, the businesswoman left straight from a clothing fair to see Everaldo for the first time, who was also coming from work. “We agreed to have a beer at a bar and we talked for four hours straight. It rolled superbly. It felt like we had known each other for a long time,” she says. It only took six months for them to move in together.

STABILITY

Scholars Josue Ortega, from the University of Essex, in England, and Philipp Hergovich, from the University of Vienna, in Austria, bring curious data about dating sites. The research points to some evidence that couples who meet online are less likely to break up than those who go the traditional ways🇧🇷 That is, dating sites can lead to a stable relationship.

Sandra Thomazinho da Cunha, 54 years old, dentist, fully agrees with this thesis. She has been with the American John Rogus, 64, for 15 years. She had never used any dating app until her psychologist, after two years of separation, gave a little push for Sandra to browse relationship sites.

The therapist made a list of tips. She said that the first date should always be in a public place and suggested that they not schedule a lunch because, if the suitor was boring, it was more difficult to get rid of him. She also recalled that apparently unnecessary details, such as virtually meeting the guy’s friends and family, help identify a possible charlatan.

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At the time, the most used app was Par Perfeito. It was John who took the first step, calling Sandra in the chat. The conversation lasted a few days, and the dentist noticed that John’s file said he was from the Northeast. At the first call, strangeness came. She recalls with a laugh: “I was startled when he spoke. It felt like I was talking to Henry Sobel (the American rabbi with a strong accent, although he had lived in São Paulo for years)”.

Curiosity was undone in a mall cafe. John was referring to the Northeast region of the United States, where he was born – he is from the state of Pennsylvania. Already on the first outings, he met Sandra’s daughter, Flávia, then 5 years old. “It was election day and I left Flávia on John’s lap to go vote. She felt sick and threw up on his white shirt,” he recalls. It was the first proof of love for the girl. John fell in love right away, fully assuming paternity. Since that day, Flávia, now 20 years old, has called him father.

DIVERSITY

For Ailton Amélio da Silva, doctor in psychology and professor at the Institute of Psychology at USP, who has been studying love relationships for decades, dating sites and apps caused a real revolution in relationships. “In our history, there was no such ease of access to available people. Increased diversity. In that sense, it’s wonderful to be able to boost the chances of locating someone you wouldn’t meet in real life”, he says.

But, in the face of so many facilities, the teacher warns of the fact that not all people present themselves truthfully in the applications, which can be dangerous. Another important issue for matches to happen, according to him, is knowing how to put yourself in conversations right from the start so that the encounters are not disappointing.

Read more: Orbiting: a way to end the relationship and stay close

Tatit Brandão, art educator and bisexual, was married for ten years to the father of her daughter, Nana, 15. Last year, two months after the end of a relationship with a woman, she decided to enter the apps to distract herself. One of the first candidates disappointed her. “She talked for two hours straight, leaving no room for me, and at the end of the monologue she even wanted to kiss me,” she says.

But Tatit was not discouraged. Some time later, she became interested in the report on the app by Laura Bariffaldi, a 37-year-old psychoanalyst, in which she described her personality and preferences. “I felt like we had a lot of affinities,” she says. They chatted for three weeks until they scheduled a cinema to meet on a late Sunday. They went to watch the film As Duas Irenes, by Fabio Meira. Ironically, each one identified with one of the protagonists, one more shy and the other more extroverted. They spent ten hours together not to be separated anymore. Tatit and Laura formed a new family, which includes Tatit’s daughter, Nana, and the cats Serafin and Zé.

Like Tatit, after the end of a long relationship, in 2014, Lorena Baroni Bósio, art editor at CLAUDIA magazine, 27 years old, decided to type on Tinder. Lorena, who walks with difficulty due to a genetic deficiency known as familial ataxia (loss of control of voluntary muscle movements, which, in her case, affects her legs), decided to present herself on the app exactly as she is.

For those interested in her, she sent a video of her participation in a campaign for the International Day of the Disabled. “My condition never interfered with my relationships, but at that moment I felt a little insecure,” she says. Lucas Moreira, 28 years old, product designer, saw the video, showed it to his friends and made an appointment.

“My difficulty walking was never the focus of our relationship. So much so that he even forgets about it and, sometimes, walks ahead”, she says, laughing. After a few months of dating, Lorena met Lucas’s family and fell in love with her. “His mother is amazing. I felt very welcomed by all of them.” Three years together, and Lorena’s dream of getting married will come true, in yet another demonstration that couples who meet virtually can have a very happy life. The union with Lucas is scheduled for next October. Tim-tim for the bride and groom!

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