Contained Anger – Is there a problem with not expressing anger?

“Should we express anger? Or should we hide it? Repress it? Will there be any problems if we hide it in the long run?”

I recently posted a video on our YouTube Channel on dealing with Anger. And Rodolfo Veronese asked me a question that made me think. In my own words, the question was:

– “Should we express anger? Or should we hide it? Repress it? Will there be any problems if we hide it in the long run?”

About emotions and sensations

To begin with, it is very important to know what anger is. What is anger for you? Or rather, how do you know you’re angry… when you’re angry?

Stop for a moment and think.

When I ask what anger is like for you, I am implying that anger is different for everyone. For me, I know I’m angry when I notice the furrow in my brow, when I strain various muscles in my face and forehead, clench my fists like I’m going to punch a fist, feel my heart beat faster, and breathing becomes faster and shallower. .

Probably for you it’s a little different. Anyway, you and I named it all anger.

Now, let’s imagine as if we were a scientist looking at this collection of phenomena: all these separate sensations that together we call anger.

Separately, none of these bodily sensations necessarily indicate a state of anger. I can contract the muscles in my forehead because I’m in doubt, I can clench my fists in an exercise or as a sign of victory, like someone celebrating something.

By looking at each sensation by itself, as under a microscope, we see that all these sensations are transitory, temporary, impermanent. But, if we want, we can keep these sensations longer. And this is where the question of the cause of anger arises.

The causes of anger

Since the beginning of psychology, all approaches, without exception, have had an axiom: all psychological phenomena have a cause, that is, they can be explained.

Anger has a cause. Anger doesn’t come out of nowhere.

Again, we observe that the cause of our being angry one day is different from the cause of our being angry another day, and likewise the cause of my being angry may be different from the cause of yours.

In general, I think we are not wrong in saying that the main cause of anger is something we do not want to happen. We have a wish, a will, and what we had not wanted or planned happens. This is not always obvious.

You leave by car and soon realize that there is kilometric traffic. You feel angry. Between the perception of traffic and anger perhaps not even a second has passed. And, therefore, there is no awareness that anger arises from the wish that there would be no traffic.

Here, too, it’s good to stop for a moment and think: when you felt or feel angry… what was going on? What was there that you didn’t want there to be?

What can you control?

In the movie Click, Adam Sandler is given a remote control that allows him to alter reality. It is a comedy with very funny scenes and that metaphorically helps us understand the idea of ​​control.

A remote control allows us to make some modifications to a television. Change channels, volume, color. If we’re watching with someone else, the person in control will control what is seen (hopefully no fights).

In life, on the contrary, most of the time we do not have a great deal of control over events. We cannot control the color of the sky, the temperature, whether it rains or shines. Likewise, many social events are not under our control either, such as traffic, the macroeconomy, what a politician we vote for, etc.

The issue is that we want to control. And consequently, a good deal of anger is meaningless. After all, we can be as angry as we want because it’s 35°, but that’s not going to change the temperature. We can be angry because someone said something stupid on TV or next to us and that is not under our control either.

In fact, even bodily sensations are often not under our control like the rhythm of our heartbeat or blushing.

Looking at it that way, it might seem bleak. In fact, I think it’s comforting to look at things from this angle because we become clear about what is under our control and what is most important: our behavior.

Also Read – What You Can and Can’t Control

emotions and behavior

An example, let’s say someone offended me. From the offense, I may experience unpleasant bodily sensations. Depending on the moment, sad or angry. If I observe the sensations in detail, I will notice changes here and there in my body.

I know that these sensations are fleeting, but I have to remember that between the stimulus and the response, as Victor Frankl warns us, there is a space of freedom. Do I answer offense with offense? Or do I respond with silence? Or play and break the tense climate?

From Skinner’s behavioral psychology, we learn that emotions are not the cause of behavior. Learn more here – emotions are not the cause of behavior

Knowing this distinction helps us to have more freedom to act in ways that are beneficial to ourselves and others. Because if someone offends me I hit him, I will have more problems.

the expression of anger

In the heat of the moment, all this may seem too theoretical or too utopian. Repressing or repressing anger, pretending that it doesn’t exist, is not a good strategy because the tendency is, paradoxically, to make it remain.

I explain: when we want not to think about something, we end up having to think in order not to think. And that leads to more thinking. One of the strategies we have is to allow ourselves to feel emotions, observe the sensations and let them pass along with the thoughts that fuel anger. If we keep remembering the offense, we will remain offended and likely to be sad or angry.

In other words, denying that there is a feeling, an emotion, a sensation is of no use. In this sense, it is necessary to be honest with yourself and observe what is happening, however, always knowing that we can act without having a negative emotion as a basis.

By becoming aware of an emotion that is present now, we have alternatives for its expression that are more suitable, from listening to a song in which we scream or dancing, jumping, punching a pillow – because, in the end, anger is just a bodily sensation. It becomes negative if it brings us negative consequences. The difference between punching someone and playing guitar.

Questions, suggestions, comments, please write below.

Related