Cognitive dissonance in narcissistic abuse: understand its importance

Most of us know someone who is in or has been in an abusive relationship. In this type of relationship, the narcissist manipulates, lies, belittles and greatly damages his partner. And yet, this one remains at his side.

When this happens, we often wonder how the person doesn’t see the damage being inflicted; and the truth is that he does, but there are certain mechanisms that come into play in this process. Among them is cognitive dissonance in narcissistic abuse.

This unconscious mechanism is largely responsible for the relationship continuing. despite how toxic or harmful it is. However, it is not only presented in this context, but we all experience it at different times in life and especially when making decisions. If you want to know what it is and how it prevents victims from abandoning the link, we invite you to continue reading.

Cognitive dissonance is the mechanism responsible for the relationship with a narcissist continuing, despite the discomfort experienced.

What is cognitive dissonance?

This term was coined by the American social psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957. Cognitive dissonance refers to an internal tension that occurs when there is no coherence between what a person thinks, feels and does. For example, if you think that exercising is very necessary for health, but you never exercise; or if you smoke, but know that this can cause serious illness.

This lack of agreement between the different elements makes us feel uncomfortable, and therefore We put in place different mechanisms to reduce tension and regain internal coherence. In this regard, we have two ways: either we alter our behavior, or we modify our thoughts.

Following the examples above, the discomfort would be reduced if the person starts exercising or quits smoking. However, these decisions are costly and require great willpower. Therefore, you are likely to choose to justify or rationalize the situation in order to maintain it without feeling tense. Thus, you may convince yourself that sport is overrated or that you will soon quit smoking (even if you really don’t).

In general, We tend to choose the option that requires the least effort or suffering.. And we do this unconsciously, to the point that we actually deceive ourselves in order to continue with the behavior without feeling that dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance in narcissistic abuse

When a person is immersed in an abusive relationship with a narcissistic partner, this mechanism appears and takes center stage. We all know that a relationship has to be healthy and satisfying, that the partner should be a support and a safe place. Thus, When the person sees that their partner harms them, lies to them, manipulates them or humiliates them, they feel great psychological tension.

To reduce this discomfort, you could leave the relationship and thus recover internal coherence, since you would not be allowing a clearly harmful bond. However, this is not easy and There are various factors that prevent taking that path which is so logical for those who see the relationship from the outside. Among them are the following:

Self-questioning

It is common for those who live in an abusive relationship to tend to question themselves. The person may believe that her partner’s behavior is really “no big deal,” that he is exaggerating or that he is not right in her claims. And it is that this lack of confidence in your own judgment is fueled by manipulation and gaslighting that he receives from the other. Thus, he does not really attend to or give credibility to the discomfort he feels.

Low self-esteem

On the other hand, lack of self-love and low self-esteem can lead the person to feel that they deserve that treatment, or to believe that that is love. You may feel that if your partner is cruel, indifferent, or harmful, it is because of his or her own behaviors, because he or she is not up to par, or because he or she “brings out the worst” in his or her partner. In a way, he takes responsibility for the abuse he suffers.

High investment in the relationship

Another key element that prevents the victim from leaving the relationship is having made a large prior investment. And the fact is that, if the narcissist began the abuse a few weeks after meeting the other, the latter would probably quickly leave the relationship; however, The damage begins after a bombardment of love that captures and traps the person, that feeds that dissonance.

When suffering sets in, there has already been a strong investment, time, energy and love have been dedicated to the relationship; Expectations and future projects have been created, family and friends have probably been left aside, and it is even possible that there is economic dependence. For all this, ending the relationship is not easy.

Of course the person sees the damage that the partner is inflicting on them, feels the discomfort, has doubts and questions what they should do. The dissonance is present and intense, it prompts us to make a decision to regain internal coherence; but, since getting out of there is too expensive, usually We choose to justify, rationalize the situation and excuse the couple.

“He treats me like this because he is hurt”, “with time I can make him change”, “I’m not really that bad, we have good moments”, “all couples fight”, “I’m the one who makes him lose his temper”… All these types of justifications help reduce cognitive dissonance in narcissistic abuse, They relieve internal tension, but keep the victim trapped in the situation and place them in a risky position.

Narcissists often invest a lot at the beginning of the relationship to ensure the other person’s permanence. This is a strategy to trap and confuse the couple.

Identify cognitive dissonance in narcissistic abuse

This process of excusing and self-deception is generally unconscious. That is why it is so important attend to discomfort when it arises and realize what mechanisms we are using to cover it up and attenuate it. It is not easy to assume that we are deceiving ourselves, but beginning to capture and identify those justifications that we use is a fundamental first step.

Despite this, therapeutic support is probably necessary to be able to get out of the abuse and recover well-being. However, understanding how cognitive dissonance works in narcissistic abuse will help us understand what is happening to us and how we can improve our situation.

You might be interested…