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We are talking about Leon Festinger’s famous theory of cognitive dissonance. In this case, we will focus on an area in which they have greater significance due to the damage it causes when it is poorly managed, that of emotional dependence.
Cognitive dissonance is a classic concept in psychology, coined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957. It refers to the fact that People tend to strive to maintain internal coherence between our beliefs, values and behaviors..
When this balance is threatened, the person feels very uncomfortable, and there is an interest in restoring it. Cognitive dissonance It is a very common psychological effect and we have all, to a greater or lesser extent, experienced it at some point. Today we will focus on the effect of cognitive dissonance on emotional dependence (state).
Many times we are not aware of that dissonance; upon detecting it in this plane, It is common for us to implement different strategies, also unconsciously, to confront it.: well we trivialize our behavior (“It doesn’t matter”, “you have to die from something”“) or self-deception (“I’m sure it will change“).
On other occasions, we can also change our own opinion, try to influence others to change theirs and even generate strategies so that other people stop being comparable (“Yes, it’s true, he died of cancer from smoking, but he had a family history and I didn’t.”).
Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence is a fairly common issue. When someone finds themselves immersed in a toxic relationship, deep down they know that the best thing would be to get out of there.. But on the other hand, something prevents him from doing so. The fear of loneliness and experiencing grief comes face to face with the discomfort that she feels daily when being in a destructive relationship.
When the “I must” collides with the “I need”
Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence arises when the person feels that every day is a sentence next to another person. Either because the partner humiliates her, cancels her, is aggressive or argumentative, is unfaithful, etc. The result is that progressively the self-esteem of the dependent person is increasingly affected.
At the moment in which the emotional dependent has a moment of lucidity, opens his eyes and is able to contemplate this reality, he becomes aware of the pain he is suffering. In this trance, his ideas revolve around “I must leave this relationship because it hurts me.”
Unfortunately, Emotional dependence harbors something even more powerful within it: the fear of rejection or loneliness.. The fear of being alone with oneself. Therefore, that moment of lucidity we talked about quickly fades away.
Instead of acting according to that “I must leave this relationshipn” and generate coherence, The person takes refuge in theI need this person so I don’t stay alone” and therefore, the usual behavior is maintained.
The dependent individual persists in a toxic relationship and generates a very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance: this hurts me, I would have to escape, but the announcement of possible loneliness terrifies me.
Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence It becomes even more unpleasant when the environment, from their own point of view, clearly sees that the person would have to leave the relationship.. Therefore, with the best of his intentions and with the intention of helping, he sends messages and instructions on how to act: But don’t you see that he is being unfaithful to you? You shouldn’t stand it if he yelled at you, leave him before it’s too late.
This, evidently, generates a much greater internal conflict and the dependent individual may even go so far as to repudiate these people or cut off those relationships to prevent them from causing more dissonance. Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence increases the more people, especially if they are important to us, disagree with our way of behaving.
Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence: excuses and self-deception
In the context of toxic relationships, excuses and self-deception are common to reduce the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance. This way, People end up thinking as real what they have generated in their minds to maintain the idea of coherence.
Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence gives us clues so that we can detect this self-deception. The most outstanding is the emotional track. When you are in an unhealthy relationship and yet your behavior is dissonant with this fact, you feel uncomfortable.. Sometimes you can even suffer a depressive episode, with all that that entails: insomnia, lack of appetite, apathy…
If we feel strong discomfort, continuous discomfort or a feeling that we are not settled, perhaps we could rethink our internal dialogue and see what we are telling ourselves to continue at the same point as always.
Another key to realizing that we are deceiving ourselves is think about the possible breakup and experience it as if it were an abyss deep. In this sense, we surely have an intense fear of the uncertainty that can arise from a future with changes. This can translate into an extreme need to be by the partner’s side, not so much out of love, but rather because I think I can’t be alone: I don’t trust my ability, resources, potential…
Going to therapy is essential to uncover all these mental tricks with which we try to ensure a known, although unwanted, future. In this sense, psychological therapy can help us reduce dissonance using strategies that do not harm us. The idea is to take steps that lead us to confront reality.
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All cited sources were reviewed in depth by our team to ensure their quality, reliability, validity and validity. The bibliography in this article was considered reliable and of academic or scientific accuracy.
Morales, F. (1994). Social psychology. Madrid: McGraw-Hill.
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