Coexistence problems in a couple: 7 keys to solving them

Fact Checked

Under review

Have arguments become commonplace in your relationship? In this article we share some key recommendations so that the problems derived from cohabitation do not mean the end of the relationship.

Coexistence is a great challenge. In fact, it is considered one of the greatest litmus tests that couples face. The truth is that, once the move is made, it doesn’t take long for the typical conflicts to appear: distribution of household tasks, shopping, organization, schedules, cleaning.

The thing is that when two people decide to live together, two personalities, two ways of seeing life and two different scales of priorities are combined. Each person carries with them their habits, customs, and expectations.

The golden keys to living together as a couple

The American psychologist John Gottman spent much of his professional career studying the dynamics of romantic relationships. Let’s look at some recommendations to resolve conflicts arising from living together as a couple.

Affection, respect and admiration are antidotes to contempt.

1. Improve love maps

Gottman calls the “map of love” part of our mind that stores all the relevant information about our partner’s life. In this sense, it is important to be aware of your tastes, desires, interests, fears. Remember the special dates and also know the significant events in your life. Record what drives you crazy and what gives you peace. Know their concerns and their projects.

Ultimately, it is about know the other in depth. Knowledge will function as a support when marital storms come.

A complete and detailed love map helps to overcome conflicts and adversities.

2. Cultivate affection and admiration

They represent two golden elements of rewarding relationships. Affection and admiration are antidotes to contempt: They allow you to continue considering that your partner is worthy of respect, even if you are very angry with them.

Read Also: The thought of Confucius, a legacy for humanity

If we have more positive than negative memories of the relationship, we are more likely to misunderstand conflict as a sign of an impending breakup.

3. Get closer to the other

Getting closer to others in the small things of every day can make a big difference: a call in the middle of the day, a surprise caress or a special breakfast. Any warm and genuine contact will strengthen the emotional bond and keep the flame alive. They are extra points to the love bank account.

4. Let your partner influence you

Accepting the other person’s influence means taking their opinions and decisions into account. It is about putting aside the power struggle that does nothing but hinder harmony in the couple. If both members have the ability to listen openly to the other and value their points of view, it is more likely that they will be able to reach agreements and resolve daily conflicts by appealing to cooperation.

Coexistence tends to become really painful if limits are eliminated in power games, if satisfying one’s own desires leaves the other in second place. Daily decision-making is sometimes perceived as a fight between rivals: who chooses the vacation spot, who determines the parenting style of the common child, or who chooses what to have for dinner.

In all couples there are conflicts when the desires of one conflict with those of the other; The problem arises when the majority of these types of negotiations are settled satisfactorily for one party, since the other party is cancelled.

5. Solve solvable problems

Gottman explains that all marriages face two types of conflicts: insoluble and soluble. He mentions that the first ones make up almost 70% of relationship problems and are those that are repeated over and over again. Couples who remain together over time manage to live with the inevitable conflicts without them suffocating them.

Read Also: Not knowing how to end a relationship: "don't leave me"

Soluble conflicts have a solution because they are situational, they do not depend on a deep underlying problem. For this reason, they usually live with less pain and intensity. Thus, to share the home space with a couple, it is advisable to focus on solving the problems involved.rcumstantial.

The key steps to solve coexistence problems are the following:

Soften the approach to the discussion: appeal to a respectful tone when bringing up issues of dispute. It is important to describe what is happening without evaluating or judging, express yourself clearly, speak in the first person and know how to listen. Keep in mind that discussions end with the same tone they started with.Learn to offer and receive attempts at relief: knowing how to brake when necessary. It’s about mitigating tension to prevent discussions from getting out of hand. To get out of the cycle of negativity, it is essential to both learn to act to avoid and repair damage, and learn to listen to the other’s attempts to make amends.Calm yourself and your partner: recognize when they need a break. Sometimes debates become overwhelming and leave us feeling tired, nervous and fatigued. You can take a few minutes to relax and return to the conversation when you are ready.Reach a compromise: reach agreements through negotiation. For a commitment to be effective, it is not necessary to agree with everything the other person says or does, but it is necessary to be honestly open to considering their point of view. A closed mind is a serious obstacle when solving problems.Be tolerant of the other’s defects: accept that you cannot change them to your liking. The other person has strengths, but they also make mistakes AND have flaws. If you don’t tolerate any of them, they won’t be able to reach any agreement.

“The basis for dealing effectively with any kind of problem is the same: communicating your basic acceptance of your partner’s personality.”

-Gottman-

Knowing how to put on the brakes and reach a compromise helps to live together better.

Read Also: Tiresias, a myth about clairvoyance

6. Get out of the stagnation phase

Always fighting over the same issues and ending up hurt or frustrated can reflect stagnation in the couple. This usually happens when there are certain dreams (transcendental or trivial) that are not being fulfilled or respected.

In this case, It is not about solving the problem, but about moving from stagnation to dialogue. Reflect on the topic in question, investigate how and why it affects them and try to generate a constructive conversation.

7. Sense of transcendence

A solid couple identity favors a warm coexistence. It is not about being in total harmony or being equal, but about creating common objectives, Sharing rituals and agreeing on values are very valuable elements to build a happy relationship.