Not knowing how to end a relationship: “don’t leave me”

One of the most feared experiences for many people is ending a relationship. As a general rule, it is usually a difficult moment for both the person who decides to put an end to it and for the person who is left behind. It seems like we’re not very good at saying goodbye.

On the other hand, There is a popular belief that leaving a relationship is easy; However, it is not as simple as it seems. At the same time, being left is not a dish of good taste either. Thus, when not knowing how to leave is combined with not wanting to be left, we enter a loop that can end up taking its toll, since not knowing how to end a relationship can be detrimental to our psychological health.

Being immersed in a relationship that no longer pleases us, we can feel stress, anxiety, sadness, discouragement, etc. Furthermore, we do not always come across a bed of roses. Sometimes, When, finally, we are ready to put an end to it, the couple comes into play: “don’t leave me.” and the situation may get complicated again.

As we see, for some, ending a relationship has no more to do, when it’s over, it’s over. For others, it is quite an ordeal. Why do we insist that they not leave us? Are we forcing a relationship that has already come to an end? To what extent is it beneficial to make it difficult for the other person to end the relationship? Let’s dig deeper.

I don’t know how to leave my partner

Many people say that they have great difficulty leaving their partners. They are no longer happy, they no longer feel connection. However, they are unable to end a relationship.

On many occasions, behind this inability lies the fear of doing harm.. When leaving someone means great suffering for the “left” – or at least, it is believed -, many are incapable of taking the step. Knowing that they are “responsible” for such deep suffering in another person paralyzes them. But are they really responsible?

In the same way that other people end a relationship without giving it too much thought, others They feel that the suffering of others is their responsibility. “If I leave this relationship, it will suffer, and if it suffers it is because I ended this, therefore I am guilty”many people think.

At this point it is worth considering whether there really is guilt or responsibility for causing harm. It is true that the breakup can trigger suffering. But aren’t we hurting ourselves more by living a lie? Each of us must learn to live with emotions labeled as harmful. like those we can feel at work, with the death of a family member or with the breakup of a relationship.

“Do not leave Me”

Another of the main difficulties we face when a relationship ends is not accepting “being left.” How many couples keep going because one of them refuses to break up? This is, How many are with their partner out of sadness or pity? “I don’t want to hurt him, we will continue a little longer to see if the flame is rekindled.”many think.

Knowing how to be left is essential for the breakup to be as painless as possible. Giving a relationship a few chances is not a bad idea, but When your partner repeatedly expresses to you that he no longer wants to continue, why force the situation? Why be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

The psychologist Ana Doménech (1994) states that the breakup of a relationship is “a stressor that affects the person’s sense of well-being, especially if they refuse to accept their separation from their partner”. But what’s behind not wanting to be left?

When one member of the couple makes it difficult to break up the relationship, it can be a symptom of a strong sign of unhealthy attachment.. In this way, if we place our happiness in the hands of our partner, when he or she leaves us, we will feel terrified. However, fortunately, our happiness depends more on ourselves than on our partner, although sometimes we are not aware of it.

Alzugaray and García (2015) state that “Rarely both partners agree with the end of the relationship; Usually one of them continues to love while the other doesn’t, so We must consider the emotional processes that follow a breakup as a true grieving process.“.

Acceptance and learning to let go

Not knowing how to end a relationship can imply a strong attachment to the other person. It can also be a sign of not knowing how to be with ourselves, the result of a deep fear of being alone. Now, how do we face the moment when they tell us that they no longer want to continue with us?

Trying to fight for the relationship can work on some occasions, however, When the other person does not want to extend the relationship any further, it is time to accept the situation and learn to let go.. It is time to facilitate that point and end to begin to rebuild ourselves.

Acceptance consists of an active process to integrate everything that happens and, as a result, make decisions. There are events that we can control and others that will escape our control. When our partner expresses the intention to end the relationship and we can no longer do anything, we enter those in which we no longer have control. Therefore, the best option is to accept the situation.

No matter how desperate we are, begging not to be left is an option we should avoid. Forcing a relationship will only imply discomfort, so, apart from accepting, we must learn to let go. Nobody belongs to us. As much as we think that our partner is “ours”, he is really a free person who has voluntarily chosen to be with us.. So, just as you come freely, you should be able to leave just as freely.

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