Adult Tantrums

When we say “tantrum” we immediately refer to the image of a child out of control, crying and shouting for something while stamping his feet on the floor. However, day after day we see that although some adults do not lie on the floor to stomp their feet, they also have their own tantrums from time to time. And by faith they can be worse than those of children.

The tantrum can range from irrational obstinacy, which does not give in to any argument, to frank self-aggression or violent behavior towards others.. It is a precarious form of emotional blackmail that in children corresponds to an egocentrism to measure the authority of their parents. In adults, it implies a deficit in the ability to communicate and inadequate management of frustration.

The logic of the tantrum

Let us clarify, first of all, that Tantrums are perfectly normal behavior in children. More than 80% of children, between 1 and 4 years old, have tantrums. Palacios, J. Marchesi, A. Coll, C. (1991) tell us that it is part of the emotional development of every child.

After that age, they don’t disappear completely either. What’s more, they occur from time to time, both in children and adults.

A tantrum is defined as an unbridled reaction of anger and lack of control in the face of a frustrating situation. It particularly occurs when someone does not get what they want. In children it usually includes crying, screaming, biting and hitting oneself or others. It has different intensities and frequencies: that’s the key.EThe degree of lack of control and the number of times this resource is resorted to determine whether we are dealing with a normal tantrum or a deeper problem..

What is the purpose of tantrums?

The purpose of the tantrum is to manipulate. Ultimately, we seek to despair of those who can give us gratification, until due to physical fatigue or the inability to tolerate the scene, they give in to our purposes. In other words, it is a lack of control that seeks to uncontroll others..

In adults, tantrums take on more subtle manifestations..Generally the screams persist, but the kicking turns into pawing, the crying can be replaced by tirades of victimization; and biting and hitting can also occur, or transform into less obvious behaviors. Thus, it is common for them to adopt harmful attitudes such as stop eating, eat too much, drink liquor or anything that involves harm as a response to the refusal to give us what we want.

Trust in reason and affection

Studies like the one carried out by Dr. Rod. Martin, from the University of Ontario, points out the following: these behaviors They denote low emotional intelligence and reduced social competence.

Likewise, something important should be noted: a child or adult with a tantrum is actually suffering. It may seem to you that their reasons are ridiculous, but the truth is that this person is experiencing great frustration.Even if you have chosen an inappropriate path to obtain what you want, that does not negate the fact that you feel your need is pressing and you have run out of resources to satisfy it..

If a tantrum is responded to with increasing desperation, we build a highly negative vicious circle, which does not help anyone. Lack of control, from both sides, takes over the situation and those involved become trapped in emotions that harm them.. What follows are distances and new rounds in which no one wins.

Nor is it appropriate to ignore what is happening, as psychologists advised a few decades ago. Leaving children alone only increases their frustration and does not solve anything. With adults, withdrawal amounts to an evasion of conflict.

How to deal with an adult’s tantrums?

So it is advisable, in the first instance, not to react. Staying in the situation without saying anything, waiting for the other person to regain control so you can speak. The adult in a tantrum does not know how to express what he feels, so it is important to help him say it. Find out what are the reasons that lead you to think that you should obtain what you want so much, without the slightest delay.

The next thing is to side with that person and evaluate with them the possible paths to get what they want. Or, if applicable, calmly explain the reasons why, in our opinion, you should give up trying to achieve it.

In any case, the challenge that a tantrum poses to us is not to lose control. Do not fall into the game of aggression. And prove to the other that they are not a needy being, but rather a person capable of recognizing what they truly want and fighting to achieve it..

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