Absent father: what it is and what it means in the Family Constellation view

unknown father, absent father“There is no father” are phrases that we hear with some frequency.

The absence or lack of a father is more easily accepted, after all, it is the mother who brings the child into the world, so it is more difficult for his identity to be unknown or even for his existence to be ignored.

However, the absence of the father can have consequences and bring heavier effects during life. Learn more about the importance of the father in our history.

How to deal with the absence of paternity and what to do to not be one absent father for the children?

This is a question that can be answered from different points of view, but here I will use the view of systemic family constellations. Meet.

Absent father: the vision of the Family Constellation

In the view of family constellations, there are three systemic laws that need to be respected for life to follow in a positive flow:

the law of belonging the law of order the law of balance.

These laws translate that in a family system everyone has the right to belong and no one can be excluded; those who arrive first have priority over those who arrive later; and in relations between equals there must be a balance of exchange between giving and receiving.

Absent father: how to understand

The next step is to understand that the presence of the father is fundamental for the human being. It is through him and the mother that the child receives life, regardless of whether the man and woman formed a couple before acquiring this function.

In order for us to respect the law of order, we must be aware that parents come first and therefore we must honor them from this great place in the system. For the constellations there is no absent father. There is only The Father as the one who gave you life.

Children growing up without parents

It is a fact that children grow up without their parents, whether due to death, lack of knowledge or even distance.

Depending on the dynamics of the family system, these children, when they become adults, may suffer some consequences of absence, such as:

feeling of emptiness without explanation, feeling of not having a direction in life, difficulty in relationships, constant professional failures in some extremes, can be chemical dependents.

One of the main factors that can determine how “parentless” adults go through life is the family dynamics in which they are involved.

If the father is absent, for whatever reason, it already reflects a violation of systemic laws. And each context of absence can indicate which law may be being disrespected. Continue reading to find out more.

Absence of father due to death

When parents die when children are young, there may be an absence in adulthood for these children. When it occurs, it is usually due to forgetfulness or hurt by those who remain, most likely the mother.

Some women, when losing their husbands with small children, often, in order to protect the children or even get rid of the pain, eliminate photos and any memories of the father.

If the death was in some unconventional, abrupt or violent manner, this may be omitted as a means of protection.

With this, the law of belonging is violated, since the dead continue to be part of the family system.

Thus, forgetting generates consequences for one or more members of the system.

How to deal with the death of a parent

One way of dealing with this is for the child, whose parents have died, to say, “Dearest Daddy or dearest Mother, you continue to live in me, and I am going to live in such a way that you can enjoy it.”

Thus, it is possible to eliminate feelings of guilt, anger, emptiness, as well as some love and professional failures.

The most important thing to avoid this type of dynamic is to leave the father’s place in the system even after his death.

He needs to be remembered through pictures and good memories. If children grow up in an environment where the father is always remembered with love and joy, they don’t feel his absence so much.

The unknown father according to the Family Constellation

The dynamics here may be similar to the previous one. Because the father is unknown, the risk of him being simply erased is even greater than an early death.

The difficulty is greater, as he may not have any physical evidence of who this father is. Added to this if the woman refers to him in a pejorative way.

Thus, children may form a negative image of their father and may unconsciously feel inadequate and guilty of his absence.

How to deal with the unknown father

The solution, however, is similar to the previous one. You have to make room for the father in your heart and recognize that he exists within you. No matter who he is, he has done a great job of giving you life and now you can make your best of it.

the distant father

This dynamic is perhaps the most common. In the past, men were practically the only breadwinners in the home, working excessively and spending long hours away from home.

Currently, there is still an excess of work, but what prevails is the increase in the number of divorces and, generally, the father is the one who is the most distant.

There are also parents who are present but not participating, and even those who are sick or dependent.

A number of factors can lead to this distancing. In all of them, what determines how much the adult will be affected, again, is whether he is willing to respect the systemic laws. Generally, the most violated law is that of order or hierarchy.

How to deal with the distant father

The adult has a negative opinion of the father, usually full of criticism and demands. With that, he feels himself in the role of the great, the highest in the hierarchy.

The demand for more presence is often the child’s lack and demand for more affection and attention.

For a child, it is natural to miss and yearn for the closest parent. She will certainly be angry and frustrated that she doesn’t have you by her side. But the adult needs to learn to deal with it from another perspective.

Recognizing that the father gave everything he could is the first step. Welcoming the child himself in a work of self-knowledge is also important.

Phrases for an absent father: reflections

In some cases where the absence of the father is felt, for whatever reason, a family constellation may be necessary. Learn more about this technique.

The family constellation can help by making unconscious issues surface and perhaps shedding light on the reasons that led the father to have this place in his history.

But if you already do some therapeutic follow-up, or even have done a family constellation, you can try to do a self-reflection on your attitude towards your father.

Exercise for dealing with an absent parent

In this case, you need to center yourself and have an intimate desire to move forward, regardless of the past, without criticism and judgement.

For this, you can write on a piece of paper everything you feel about your biological father. Let all the pain and hurt that may be afflicting you come.

When you finish, you can imagine the father in front of you. Even if you don’t know him, just imagine he’s standing in front of you. Tell him your hurts and feelings, but not in an accusatory tone, just to get your hurts out there.

You can say phrases like:

“I missed you”, “I got very angry”, “I wish you were with me”, and then complete: “But I know you did what you could”, “It was what was possible for you”, “I have life through of you and so I can make it my best”.

In the case of parents who have died, a good phrase is “You are still alive in me and I continue to live my life with joy in your honor”.

These are some examples, but it’s important to feel in your heart what really makes sense to you, and as I mentioned, if the pain is very deep, seek the help of a professional to help you.

Family constellation and moving forward

A great fear is repeating history with descendants. If the adult gives himself the right to judge or criticize his father, he himself will suffer the consequences in his life and then he runs the risk of repeating history.

Repetition is an unconscious dynamic that works as a repair for the transgression of some systemic law.

If unconsciously the father is forgotten or ignored, then the law of belonging comes into play. But if the adult feels that the parent is a failure and deserves no consideration, the law of order will put him in his place.

With that, the adult can repeat the same patterns with their children or even in other areas of life, even if they strive to do differently.

What to do to not repeat patterns?

The best thing you can do to free yourself from these systemic entanglements is to remain in your rightful place in the family system.

Honor the father regardless of who he was or is. Fill yourself with the life given to you through him to move forward.

Often, the father is also trapped in some unconscious tangle and could not act differently. It is in these moments, for example, that patterns of betrayal are created. Understand this dynamic better.

You will be different and you will do different as long as you keep the place that belongs to him regardless of anything. After all, both father and mother are always present within you.

Recognizing this is stepping out of the void, connecting with your roots and taking ownership of life and who you are!