Meet stories of couples who overcame divorce and became friends

Surprise is almost always inevitable when we talk about a couple that has separated, but maintains a good relationship. “Do you really spend Christmas together?”, a suspicious listener might ask. Despite disbelief, this situation is quite likely when the divorce takes place without heavy quarrels and the hurt is not deep.

“If the separation is traumatic, with a contentious divorce, for example, it becomes more difficult and complex to get the relationship back. There are many unresolved issues. However, if respect is preserved, it is possible to envision this new configuration of the relationship and see the other not as a partner, but as someone who marked your history and whom you admire”, says the psychologist Denise Figueiredomanaging partner of Instituto do Casal, in São Paulo.

Especially when children are involved, many ex-couples need to keep in touch. Therefore, seeking a more peaceful coexistence brings several benefits – remember that, even after the separation, the father of your children remains part of the family.

Maybe friendship isn’t born overnight, and that’s okay. You will see in the pages that follow that peace is real and possible, even if the time to get there is different for each party. People have individual processes to digest the separation, which is painful and difficult – either because of the love that ended, or because of the frustration of not being able to keep something that was your dream, or because of the concern for the children.

“Divorce messes with our past pains, like the attachment to built history. So, no need to be in a hurry. Over time, there is a readaptation of the relationship and another type of connection may arise, but it will be necessary to establish limits, because from then on, each one will have their own path”, explains the psychologist Puntelprofessor and supervisor of the graduate course in Gestalt-Therapy at the Pontifical Catholic University of Rio de Janeiro.

This means that, even with a new family configuration, conversations and discussions will continue, because, in addition to issues with the children, other people may appear in the area, such as new partners. At this stage, ex-couples should be careful so that the arrangement does not go sour. “Although the package is ready, the arrival of a third will have an impact. In order for everyone to feel safe, it is interesting that there is a conversation between the three involved. In this case, everything needs to be very clear”, says Denise. To show that, with a little flair and a lot of conversation, everything fits together, three former couples who broke up in the best possible way tell how they managed to become friends.

Compadres

Juliana Ali and Marco Bezzi

the plastic artist Juliana Ali42 years old, and the youtuber from the Galãs Feios channel, Marco Bezzi, 45 years old, form that kind of ex-couple that we even doubt exists. They are best friends, confidants and give each other love advice. To reach this stage, they spent a year apart, but they never fought or had heavy disagreements. Juliana and Marco started dating in 2001 and the following year they moved in together. had the Theodore, now 11 years old. They separated eight years later.

Six months after the breakup, Juliana started dating the designer Fernando Saraiva, 37, and Marco was uncomfortable – that was the single most sensitive issue they had to deal with after the split. Juliana and Fernando had a daughter, carmen, 4 years old, which ended up becoming Marco’s great passion. This brought the family even closer together. To toast the relationship, he, who is dating the actress Danielli Guerreiro, 38 years old, was called to be the little one’s godfather. “Today, we’ve been apart longer than we’ve been together and we’ve never been closer. I’ve never liked him as much as I do now. He turned into a sensational father, an incredible friend”, says Juliana.

CLAUDIA: How was the decision to separate?

Juliana: We had been really bad for over a year and we both knew it. We finished after New Year’s Eve. We had decided not to spend the date together because we were so mad at each other. Imagine a couple who don’t want to spend New Year’s Eve together. Sign that everything is wrong. I had already said goodbye to our marriage by this time.

March: We didn’t do anything together anymore. I had my friends and I just wanted to be with them.

CLAUDIA: Was the coexistence good afterwards?

March: So-so. When I left the house, I thought we were going to come back. My son was 1 and a half years old; I thought it would be better to just give it some time, that our relationship would settle down. But I’m glad we didn’t come back, because it was better for everyone. I was angry when she got a boyfriend. I had that typical macho reaction that wants to have possession. All this nonsense. She was the one who held the wave. For me, in the beginning, we would have horrible fights. I went to live alone, then at my father’s house. Then there was a defeat. But I continued living with my son.

Juliana: He never left Teo. He never lacked emotionally, financially or when we weren’t doing so well.

CLAUDIA: When did that phase pass?

Juliana: He was angry and threw it in my face that I had already gotten another one. He said: “Who is that man in your house?”. But he never swore or was rude.

March: There was an event that was important to me. I was hanging out with my friends, drinking heavily. One day, I got into a fight and broke my face. I hurt my nose, my mouth, I ended up in the hospital. That day, I thought: “I am doing things very wrong”. It was a didactic beating, it shook me. Also, I started to notice the way Fernando treated Teo. They got along great.

Juliana: What also helped was that Marco got a girlfriend. That brought us closer together, as we started exchanging advice and having a true friendship, talking about our relationships.

CLAUDIA: When did everyone get together and become a new family?

Juliana: Gradually, with more coexistence, we were creating bonds. About three years ago, Marco had a bout of depression that lasted a long time. I fought a lot alongside him and Fernando also embraced the cause. It brought us closer. And there was, of course, the birth of Carmen.

March: When Carmen was born it was awesome! Teo slept with me and we went to meet her together. As soon as I saw her, I fell in love. I’m crazy about her. I have to control myself in front of my son so he doesn’t notice.

Juliana: Carmen sleeps at Marco’s house. He takes the two for a walk. When Fenando and I want to go out for a moment of our own, Marco babysits. He even went to live close to us, in the neighboring neighborhood, so that we could be together and form this network. He can come to my house whenever he wants, pick up Teo whenever he wants. We try to do everything according to the will of each one.

pet’s parents

Ana Elisa and Marco Aurélio

Even the closest friends find it strange the harmony between the actress Ana Elisa Mattos34 years old, and Marco Aurélio Campos, 44 years old, actor and dubbing director. How can they get along so well after the breakup without even having kids to jump-start their friendship? “People need to see each one go to their own corner, it’s a social charge. But Marco is my safe harbor, and I am his”, says Ana.

They started dating in 2009 and a few months later they were already living together. What made them break the ties, after almost eight years, was realizing that each one’s expectations were different in relation to the moment in life. There was no fight, but a lot of heart-to-heart talk. When they decided to live in separate houses, they continued, with the same intensity, with telephone conversations and meetings. They also started to share the shared custody of the stray Pirata. In addition to friendship, they accumulated one more bond; this time, professional. They are partners in projects related to theater and other artistic productions.

CLAUDIA: Was the separation easy?

A-N-A: Quiet is never, even more so after seven and a half years together.

March: But we were good partners from beginning to end.

A-N-A: I think that when the relationship is healthy, it is possible to have a healthy post-breakup relationship too. I don’t know if this can happen when the separation is uncomfortable or with trauma. The decision was up to him. 2016 was a difficult year. Marco had many crises regarding his marriage. I always wanted to talk, but he still couldn’t elaborate and explain what was going on. We kept trying, trying… Until I had a problem with a vertebra in my spine and I felt a twinge in my ear. I went to a chiropractor and found that I was fine physically but not emotionally. I came home and said: “It’s okay that you can’t talk, but nobody touches my body”. We cried a lot and I left the house.

March: At the time, we tried to get married in separate houses, but it didn’t happen. One day we went to the bar with friends. On the way back, we talked on the subway and I told her that I loved her, but a voice told me that I needed to experience other things. She replied: “Go, I don’t need anyone with me who wants to live other things”.

CLAUDIA: How did you build the friendship you have today?

A-N-A: Couples break up and walk out of each other’s lives. We had somewhere in our heart that we didn’t want that. The cycle of marriage was over, but not our companionship. At times we were close; in others more distant to understand the new routine and life of each one. But we frequent each other’s places a lot. I have keys to his house and vice versa. Even because of the Pirate.

March: We never distanced ourselves, nor did we stop talking. The separation was on the 28th of December and we spent New Year’s Eve together with friends. We had already arranged and everything went well. In fact, it was less bad than we thought. There were a lot of kids, there was a water balloon fight. We laughed and everything got lighter, the energy changed.

A-N-A: We decided to spend New Year’s Eve as if it were a farewell. However, at the end of January, my mother passed away, and Marco was super present. She died not knowing we were apart. For me, it was a very sudden life change.

CLAUDIA: How do they react to other relationships? Roll jealousy?

A-N-A: We have many mutual friends and it has happened that we are in the same room, and he is with someone else. I made a point of including her, saying that everything was fine. But he’s already freaked out.

March: I didn’t freak out, I was scared! At the end of a play she was doing, I went to say hello. She came towards me, walked right past me and kissed the guy she was making out with. I didn’t know anything and left. I felt like everyone knew but me. I just thought she should warn not to take it by surprise.

A-N-A: You don’t have to call to talk to who you’re dating now, three years later. If it’s dating, we talk, but dating, no.

CLAUDIA: How did you decide on shared custody of the dog?

A-N-A: It was simple. Pirata was rescued by the two of us in 2015. She has been with us for four years. No one was going to give her up. She spends half of the month with me and the other half with him.

March: It had to be like this. The Pirate is as much mine as hers, she loves both, looks good in both houses. She is a very dog…