9 ways to stop being the lover: being “the other” should not be your option

Society usually sees it as something natural for men to have affairs, but condemns lovers without an ounce of benevolence. It’s always a double standard.

But many times the lover does not even know that she is one, or she allows herself to be one to a certain extent while waiting for the man to finally decide for her. There are many cases in which the relationship begins with typical phrases from the man in question indicating that he is dissatisfied and bored with his partner, and that he wants to end it.

«The lover», convinced that at some point he will fulfill his promise to be with her as soon as he manages to get away from his supposedly conflictive wife, waits and waits, without that “happily ever after” happening.

Does this situation sound familiar to you? You may be going through that uncomfortable moment when you question whether to believe him or flee without a trace.

If you feel frustrated about this, you are tired of believing his stories, or you simply have just discovered that you were always “the other one” and that he never intended to make you “the official one”, then follow our advice to learn to live with yourself and don’t let this situation break you down.

1. Remember: you are not a bad person

Surely you have heard thousands of times that lovers are shameless or destroy homes, to whom they blame everything bad in a relationship.

And deep inside you will have said to yourself: I am a bad person! But, beyond the shame you may feel, you must understand that you are not a bad person just for making a mistake.

You must recover your self-esteem and recognize that you are a human being with feelings and values, that you became the other woman because you made a mistake by falling in love with someone who is not worth it and who has lied to you.

No one has enough morals to judge and mistreat you, and you shouldn’t either, so get rid of the labels so you can move forward.

2. In life not everything goes to extremes

Although it may seem like it sometimes, not everything in life is black and white.

It’s understandable that when you find out that you’ve been lied to, you think the best idea is to go and tell his girlfriend or his family everything, try to destroy him and make him feel the way you feel.

Maybe it seems right, just. But life is not extremes, but nuances. Even if it seems like the best thing to do, acting that way is only going to bring you more problems and drama, which will make it harder for you to get over things.

3. He will always want to get his way

You must be very intelligent and cunning, since when he feels exposed or sees his formal relationship in danger, he will choose to blame you for everything and claim that “you believed what you wanted to believe.”

Thus he will try to feel relief, evade his responsibility and overcome the situation, even feeling like “the victim.”

Don’t lose your cool because of that attitude. But don’t let him convince you that everything was the work of your imagination either. Always keep in mind that what happened is the responsibility of both of you and, as such, both must accept its consequences.

4. Don’t look for your partner

Maybe at the moment you consider that your partner deserves to know the truth, and it seems like a good idea to call her, talk, and together unite your hatred against him for cheating on you.

But that only happens in movies, where the lover and the wife come together to put an end to the cheater. In real life, you have to think that she most likely won’t want to talk to you. They are not friends of hers, and the truth is for her you are a reminder of her deception.

Even if you’re not the culprit, even if you didn’t know you were doing it, you hurt her by being the lover. It’s normal, and fair, that she doesn’t want to bond with you or be good friends after that situation.

There is also a more complex alternative: that he has laid the groundwork in his favor before you could call her, and has convinced her that you are harassing him, that you are obsessed with him, or that you constantly manipulate him.

Honestly, it’s not worth going through all that drama.

5. Don’t apologize to the wife or girlfriend

After finding out, the girlfriend has two options: leave him or forgive him.

If she forgave him it is because she does not want to lose him and, even if it hurt her, she is willing to give him a second chance to stay together. If she left him, she might not want the reminder of the cheating.

Either way, he will see you as nothing more than an intruder in his relationship.

6. Don’t tell your friends about your situation.

In these situations it is better not to involve friends, much less if you know both of them. Each person who finds out about the situation will tend to be biased towards one side or the other, and you will notice how many acquaintances may begin to distance themselves from your life.

Avoid spreading the mess you got into… or got into. There will be no shortage of the moralist who points you out as guilty or who advises you as if he had never made a mistake in his life.

There will also be no shortage of people who know the girlfriend or wife and will run to tell them who the infamous person is who is causing them a thousand sufferings.

So if you need advice, pay a counselor or psychologist, you will be much better off. And if it’s not in your budget, find a friend who is only yours, who doesn’t know those affected and who doesn’t judge your actions. The important thing is that it is there to support you.

7. Let go

I know it can be difficult. You were in love and not only did they cheat on you, but they made you the bad guy.

But let’s try to turn the situation around: understand that you haven’t fooled anyone! He is the one who is cheating on his partner with you.

Even if he had decided to end it and start a relationship with you after making you wait for so long, how could you trust him seeing how he lied to his partner?

He is simply a man who is not worth it and in the future he would most likely also cheat on you with another woman.

He will never be a completely trustworthy man to believe or dedicate all your time and love to.

Also read our guide on the 7 ways to end a relationship amicably

8. What starts badly, ends badly

If your life with him began based on lies and deception, you will not have an honest or lasting future with him. You deserve more than that!

9. Life goes on

There will come a time when you will find another partner, one who values ​​you, does not deceive you and makes you understand the lesson you had to learn from the person who lied to you before.

Even if it hurts now, always remember that everything is a matter of time. You will see that in the future, he will be nothing more than a bad experience that you have already overcome.

And if it’s any consolation: you will move on, but maybe in a few years, when it no longer hurts, he will still be in that same toxic relationship he disrespected with you.

Life constantly teaches lessons and, if you don’t learn them, it repeats them to you! It is better that you enjoy your freedom, in order to fall in love with someone who values ​​you enough.

Falling into love triangles (with or without guilt) is easy, but getting out of them requires determination and willpower.

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