8 questions about parental alienation syndrome

Facing a separation is always a difficult situation, even more so when you have children. But taking out the partner’s anger by turning the children against him or cutting the bond, intentionally or unintentionally, can trigger psychological problems in the little ones, which are at risk of extending into adulthood. Not to mention that this practice, known as parental alienation syndrome, if proven, can result in a fine and even loss of custody. For you to clarify all your doubts on the subject, we interviewed Isa Spanghero Stoeber, therapist for couples and families.

1. What is parental alienation syndrome?

It is when the father or mother (usually the woman, because most of the time she receives custody) seeks to distance the children from the other parent after or during the divorce. The person tries to provoke in the children strong feelings of resentment, anxiety or fear towards the other.

2. What reasons trigger this behavior?

There are several: jealousy of the ex-partner, anger at abandonment, desire for revenge, feeling of ownership over the child, the idea that he can handle the children’s education alone…

3. What are the most common attitudes of parental alienation syndrome?

To tarnish the honor of the other parent, to demoralize him, to attribute many defects to him, to avoid or make it difficult to meet the children, to argue in front of them.

4. Can it also be considered violence against one’s own children?

Yes, because, divided between the two people they love, they are prevented from making a proper judgment. Sometimes they distance themselves from both, taking refuge in their own world and isolating themselves from society. Many children even turn against the parent they live with, believing that he should promote an approximation (and not a distancing) with whom he needs.

5. How does the child end up being harmed?

Feeling used, abandoned, angry or afraid undermines anyone’s self-esteem. Victims of parental alienation may also lose trust in adults, are more likely to be bullied at school and are even more defenseless in the face of sexual abusers.

6. Is it possible to identify a victim of parental alienation?

Children in this situation tend to become aggressive or fearful. At school, they may be inattentive or undisciplined. Some isolate themselves from social life.

7. How to prevent the father or mother from using the children to act against the ex-partner?

Showing the consequences of their actions. Children often seem to handle the situation well, but in adolescence they explode and become rebellious or insecure young people. If common sense does not prevail, Justice must be called. If no one takes action, the duration of alienation depends on the extent of anger, revenge and wounded self-esteem. Usually, when one stops the practice, the damage is already done. This occurs above all in cases where only the absent father rebuilds his life with someone else – and the children become the favorite instrument of attack on the new couple.

8. Is it possible to shield the little ones against this situation?

Hardly, because they see the world from the point of view of the closest caregiver and do not have the strength or maturity to oppose it. But the parent victim of parental alienation can seek therapeutic help in order to protect their children, in addition to denouncing this cruel practice in court.