8 keys to prevent jealousy and stop worrying

Six months ago Erica and Germán came to my office. She was very affected by her husband’s infidelity. They loved each other, but Germán had gone looking outside for something that was missing within the couple.

The message and meaning of jealousy

Infidelity cases sometimes show repairable cracks and, others, make it clear that there is no longer a partner. In this case, she was very sensitive and, despite the fact that a year had passed and he no longer gave reasons, scenes of jealousy were commonplace.

We worked to see what the message was behind what had happened and we discovered that Erica, little by little, had been isolating herself in her work. They shared the things of the house but as two partners. The tenderness and sweetness of her had vanished.

Germán, behind an apparent acceptance, she was going through a feeling of abandonment that, without realizing it, had resurfaced her harsh childhood abandonment story.

affective deficiencies

Circumstances made him find a woman who caressed his old wounds and the misstep occurred. Germán himself left the relationship before Erica knew it, but when she finally found out about it, they were about to break up.

As the therapy progressed, Erica could see how she had neglected the couple.letting the relationship cool down, and this full awareness allowed him to calm his anger and begin the true reconciliation.

On the other hand, I worked with Germán on listening to his own feelings and their expression within the couple, to channel frustration without endangering the whole family.

In this case, it was possible to decipher the message of the situation and the relationship was strengthened. And it is that, many times, if we take jealousy as an ambassador that brings information to improve the relationship, we can transform it into something constructive.

Why do we feel jealous?

Jealousy occurs when we imagine that someone can give our partner what they do not get from us and, as a result, we will lose their love..

The truth is that there will always be someone who can cover our less developed aspects better than us, but this does not mean that love is lost for it.

In any case, we can observe that when jealousy “bites” us, it is surely something in which “we feel less” and maybe it would be good to take them as an incentive to develop those parts of the relationship that remain to be discovered or that we had neglected.

When someone else has something we don’t have –or so we think– and gets close to our partner, it starts to itch. When this is mild, it can be a stimulus to strengthen the relationship in some of its aspects: as life partners, in the sexual area or increasing intimacy in soul encounters.

However, when the itch is unbearable, we feel bad and the relationship begins to suffer.

We start to watch our partner because we believe that what is essential is what it does, without realizing that the food for jealousy is our shortcomings and insecurities.

“If he loved me, he would only have eyes for me” says the jealous to himself. And, underneath, other thoughts are often hidden: “If you look at another person, it means I’m not worth it.” And deep, deep inside: “If I were him, I would choose another.”

Value yourself as a person

We are all limited.

We are always exposed to love getting lost. It is not possible to store it in a safe; but when we feel especially insecure, the fear of abandonment won’t leave us alone. So, we see danger everywhere: any look outside can become a threat.

We do not see that in jealousy it is not only about the other but about our own feeling that we are “abandonable”.

That feeling is what makes us possessive and be vigilant of every movement. But no one likes to be possessed like an object. So, without wanting to, we are favoring his escape.

Sometimes we feel the wonderful experience of merging with the other, as in sexual intercourse, but we cannot pretend that this state is permanent. After this moment, each one is back in her own skin and it is necessary to feel good and safe in it, beyond the couple.

Love, which is the child of freedom, is born with the risk of its loss. But it also gives us the wonderful possibility of choice: we need to feel that we are fully “choiceable” and that we also decide to choose the other every day. It is precisely this risk and this certainty that makes it a beautiful and exciting game.

How to prevent jealousy

There are some psychological strategies that allow us to control and manage jealousyto the point where we know how to interpret them correctly.

1. Find the how and when

Observe in what circumstances your partner “makes you” jealous. Sometimes it is a person; other times, of situations or activities. Determine what elements are there that can attract your partner.

2. Analyze yourself

Let the intensity of jealousy subside and, In solitude, ask yourself: “What does that person have that I don’t have?”. If it’s an activity: “What do you get there that I can’t give you?” or “what does that activity give you that it doesn’t give you?” For example: “I feel jealous of the passion he puts into football.”

3. Look for solutions

See if the previous answers stimulate you new ways to grow or take care of aspects that you had neglected and thus revitalize the relationship. For example: “When I observe his passion for soccer, I can ask myself: what has happened to the passion that we once experienced? What will be the best way to find it again? What common activities could we develop that we like? to both?”.

It is not about competing with his passion for football. It is not necessary to reach any goal, just work to enjoy more together.

4. Do you support their world?

Ask yourself: “Can I admit that my partner finds situations of pleasure outside of me?”. For example, the fun of that monthly dinner with your friends or a vacation on your own to practice your favorite sport.

5. Determine what is ‘acceptable’

The boundaries between “what is acceptable” and “what is unacceptable” in what your partner does will always be a matter of eternal discussion. Naturally, it is not the same to accept that she chats nicely with a co-worker than to go out with her at night.

It is necessary to put a hand on the heart to question whether you want to put prohibitions on behaviors that have nothing objectionable. The question would be: “What is happening to me?”, “What about my security?”

6. Do you accept your limits?

you also have to work to accept that you cannot be everything for the other, in the same way that the other cannot be everything for you. The relationship is nourished by own spaces and shared spaces. In each couple the proportion varies, but what is common to all is the need for their own spaces.

7. Refocus situations

Look back at situations from afar and focus them on “what happens to me”, and not so much on what the other does. Surely, if you are absolutely sincere, you will discover that underneath jealousy is the doubt: “Am I enough?”, “Am I worthy of love?”

In case you really don’t feel enough, find a quiet place, grab a pen and paper, and make an honest list of all the reasons why you do.

8. Check your beliefs

Review the reasons that tell you that you are inferior and realize that they are old ideas about yourself, that have accompanied you all your life and prevent you from being worthy of love.

It is those beliefs that foster jealousy. No one needs to be perfect, everyone is worthy of love just the way they are.