7 tips to learn to say “no” and not suffer because of it

In theory it’s simple, but denying a request and openly saying that you don’t want to go to a club or a simple happy hour is an inconvenience for many people, who sweat cold and have a creativity the size of the world to invent excuses and avoid saying the same thing. not directly. All this resistance, believe me, comes from our own difficulty in hearing the “no” of others.

That’s what the psychologist expert in cognitive behavioral therapy Ellen Moraes Senra explains: “Human beings are, in essence, selfish, trained not to accept a ‘no’ without justification. Precisely for this reason, when we want to deny something, we tend to make up excuses that exempt us from the criticism that would come after the real answer.”

And give it “circle”. So that this small social panic does not affect your daily life, we asked Ellen, organizational and clinical psychologist Livia Marques and clinical psychologist Rose Almeida for tips on how to say “no” and not suffer from it. Get ready!

– Practice in front of the mirror

No excuses, no stalling. Rehearse responses to common situations – like the happy hour we mentioned there at the beginning – firmly and delicately. For example: “I’m not going today, because I’m not in the happy hour mood. I’m going straight home anyway” or “The environment of crowded bars makes me uncomfortable, so I don’t go.” When the real situation arrives, you will have confidence at your fingertips.

– End denials gently

Often, the problem with saying “no” is the fear that the interlocutor will be harsh in the sequence. But notice: no one can be rude after receiving a polite response. So you can say something along the lines of “I’ve got a lot of work to catch up on, so I won’t be able to do this favor for you, unfortunately. It really is a shame.” You can prepare to hear even an apology.

– Invite the other person to put themselves in your shoes

Empathy is the keyword here. You’re full of things to do, barely getting on with your life, and someone comes asking for a favor. Explain the situation objectively – you don’t have to go into detail about your problems, of course! – and ask directly that the person understands your position. If she dares to say “oh, I would say ‘yes’”, reinforce that everyone reacts in a way and you choose the opposite of her.

– Ask for time to think

If you’re taken by surprise and haven’t had time to rehearse in front of the mirror, resist the temptation to make up excuses; ask the person some time to think about the situation. That simple. Then you will have the opportunity to train and return with a text ready for the negative.

– Praise, deny and thank

This is a rule of thumb for social relationships. To deny something and leave the situation as the most magnanimous of colleagues/friends/relatives, follow this script: first praise – “It’s a really good idea”, “It’s a cool program” –, deny – “but I can’t accept it, because it’s going to bother me with other things”, “but I won’t go along, because I don’t feel like it” – and finish by thanking you – “but thank you so much for thinking of me/for the invitation anyway”.

– Seek specialist help in therapy

If you can’t do any of this on your own, don’t feel bad: that’s also what wonderful psychologists are waiting to help you with. Look for one focused on behavioral therapy, expose your difficulty and that’s it.

– Put yourself first

Remember: knowing how to say “no” is often a matter of self-preservation. Don’t blame yourself, especially when the “no” is to avoid harming you.

I said “no” and regretted it. And now?

Quiet. Going back is part of life. “It is also a question socially seen as negative, but it is important to take a stand, say that you have rethought the answer and want to have a good conversation about the subject”, advises Livia. Ellen adds: “Just be frank and assume that it was a wrong ‘no’, that you realized that you could make such a concession if the person still wanted it.”