7 essential points to build a couple project

Living with a loved one means starting a common project in which agreements must be reached, from where to reside to whether you want to have children. Finding the balance between each other’s vital plans will allow love to continue to grow.

How to build a vital project with your partner

There is no doubt that love is as necessary as the air we breathe. The loving bonds that occur in our lives, from the very birth, allow us to love and feel loved. In all our love relationships those movements of the heart are taking place without which we could not survive, at least in a life worth living..

One day we feel that a special relationship has come to us in which something different happens, something that pushes us to try to build a lasting, stable relationship, perhaps for a lifetime. The seed of a couple appears. However, that seed, made of the vibrations we feel when the other “takes us to heaven”, needs to take root in the earth to germinate. Those roots are made from the needs of two individuals who build a life together day by day. The sum, throughout a life, of this day to day, concrete and earthly, is neither more nor less than the vital project.

Your project, mine and ours

The life project is not born with the couple. We all have, before being in a relationship, a life project. And I say that we have it – whether we have proposed it or not – because the project is the way we would like to live. We all have tastes, ambitions and dreams that shape our ideas about the place that each thing occupies in our concrete life. We usually have ideas about what work means, money and its management, where we want to live, the style and type of social life we ​​want to lead, how many children we would like to have (if we want to have them)… All this is creating our life project We do not know for sure what will happen to us, but each one works so that real life and the personal project resemble and coincide as much as possible..

When we get close to someone and the meeting of hearts occurs, the spark of love is born, but two life projects have also found (or disagreed with) each other. For these two people, who experience the pleasure of vibrating with the same frequency in love, to become a couple, they need to share a common life project; otherwise, there is no pair. Then three projects appear: yours, mine and ours.

The way in which the coexistence of these three projects is resolved depends on the couple’s quality of life or, directly, the possibility of their existence.

Sometimes the consideration of the project is underestimated because “love conquers everything”. However, going back to one of my favorite metaphors, we need to find out if one is a bird and the other is a fish, because a fish and a bird can fall in love, but where are they going to live?

The wishes of each

Generally, before making the decision to form a life together, enough time elapses for the tastes, ambitions and dreams of each one to come to light, that is, personal life projects in all their details. Sometimes, there are decisions that are presented very clearly, as if they were written: “Once married I want to move to the country.” But not everything is always so clear. Most of the time we become aware of the project model of the other throughout the coexistence. It is then when the desires of each one arise and how we want to work to achieve them..

It is important to pay attention to what moves within us when the other tells about their projects: we will see if they are similar, if they are curious and disturb us or if they generate rejection. Little by little, we are discovering how much the personal plans coincide. From these coincidences, the common project arises.

I would not like it to be deduced from this that the ideal couple is one that has identical projects, which totally overlap.

It doesn’t have to be that way, quite the contrary. Naturally, it is necessary that a part of the projects overlap, coincide, forming what will be the common project; but It is very enriching that each one retains a personal partplaces to eat outside the couple, that provide variation and fresh air.

accept differences

Thus, they do not have to share hobbies: she can distract herself by painting and he can do it by playing sports. Differences, when mutually accepted and supported, can teach us many things, even if sometimes they surprise us or perhaps scare us. Of course, if that “fresh air” is going out with friends every night until dawn, we will have to see how enriching it seems to those who stay at home.

There is no measure that defines how much personal projects have to coincide to form a common one. When the couple is made up of two very independent people, they probably need freedom of movement and their own projects occupy an important part and those in common, a smaller part.

Similarly, careful attention must be paid to the harmony of common plans. If one plans to have children and the other does not – or if only one wants to live abroad – the couple will find themselves in difficulties.

Harmonization or submission

Most people choose to live as a couple despite the great challenge that this represents. Sharing daily joys and sorrows, support, caress and encouragement are food for the soul. But for this climate to occur, the couple must also be a place of personal growth and expansion for both of them.

For this reason, the personal plans of each one need to be realized, at least partially. Perhaps there can be no simultaneous growth of personal projects but alternated; but what is harmful is the total resignation of one of the members, voluntarily or not, to their own project based on the other. If one sacrifices all desires, sooner or later that “will take its toll.” There can be no submission or domination.

Couples that are structured in this way carry within themselves the seeds of their own destruction.

This does not mean that one cannot have a position of respect towards the other’s plans and change their own projects to satisfy who we want. But It must be an authentic movement from the heart and not an imposition Let it be experienced as torture. When it is a movement of the heart, the postponement of personal plans is compensated by seeing the other happy. On the other hand, if it continues to be torturing for us, we will have to know that no one endures eternal suffering.

Share the meaning of life

None of this should prompt us to now become lawyers trying to make the other sign a contract on how life as a couple is going to develop. The truth is that we do not even know how our own life is to develop. It is precisely this not knowing that makes it fascinating.

We cannot become fans of our projects, that is, of material achievements only.. Thus, life can become very boring. It is useless to reach the goal smiling for the photo where we pose next to the house, the car, the two children and the dog if love has gone, even if we have a “signed and sealed” life project contract.

Although it sounds obvious, love is paramount. Notwithstanding the foregoing, we may revise our plans. Perhaps it is enough to remain open to check if we really meet, if we look in the same direction. Otherwise, as Fritz Perls said, if we don’t find each other, there’s nothing to do. Because, ultimately, it is about sharing the same meaning of life.

7 questions for a satisfying life together

1. In which city will we live?

Will we live in the center of the city or on the outskirts? Or better in the field? And abroad? Choosing where to live can be an exciting game, but sometimes it implies a change that can be experienced as a loss that negatively affects one of the two members.

2. Will we have children?

The first question that arises in relation to children is whether there is an agreement to have them or not.. Both members of the couple may want to have children, but how many? And later, you have to think about how to educate them, that is, specify the educational criteria that will be followed or choose the schools to which they will go.

3. How do we use the money?

There are many ways to organize the economy of a couple, although, in general, it derives from what we have learned in the family model.. Who puts up the money? Do both members of the couple work or only one? How does each feel about the fact that the other works or not? Does everything go into one common sack or are separate economies established? How are the expenses decided? What is the level of independence to spend the money? Some of these issues may seem trivial, but money – and the power that comes with it – has caused many disputes.

4. What place does the work occupy?

The role of work, what place it occupies in day-to-day life and in life itself, is an issue that should be discussed with the couple, since work and professional development take up a large part of the time and energy of each of them. we. The rest of the time is for the couple and everything else, butthe two members need to know if they accept that “remainder”.

5. What social life do we want?

There are lonely people and others who like to be in constant contact with people, either in person or at parties.. If there is a great difference in criteria, one can feel isolated or invaded, depending on the case. We have to talk about what we like and understand the perspective of who we want to find a path of agreement.

6. What role does each family have?

It is important to observe, in advance, the role that the families of origin occupy in each member of the couple, the type of treatment and the degree of dependence or interference that each member is willing to accept. Disagreement on this point often leads to a couple crisis.

7. Do we respect fidelity?

There are people who require different types of freedom, which can go so far as to propose some form of free love.. It is a delicate subject and the decision is very personal. In any case, in the event that the need for this type of freedom is expressed, the desire must be mutual and this type of “open door love” should be accepted by both beforehand.